I am in the middle of writing the 2nd part to my story. Not sure what I want to accomplish from doing this as yet; I guess I just want it to be out there for the world to know. I think just to help my sanity though, I am going to have to do these daily updates so I can keep my emotions together.
The last couple of days have been just pure procrastination. Procrastinating thinking about what is happening at home. I guess this is the circle that I get stuck in each time.
Unfair things happen > I kick and scream > they say they’ll change > and then nothing
My heart is so heavy, like there is something stuck at the bottom of it just pulling it down. My stomach feels queasy. I am spiraling down to depression and I know I am going to explode at some point but I keep telling myself that my kids cannot go through that again so I just stay quiet.
My daughter told me the other day that she is scared of me. She cried when I left the house because she got scared that I wasn’t going to come back. I think I have ruined her life before it even started and this was my worst nightmare. To influence her, to make her think that I was the scary one before I could explain to her why I get angry. My biggest fear though, I don’t think she will ever understand what makes me do the things I do. Because we all have choices. I have a choice not to get angry, I have a choice to just go with the flow no matter how hard it gets, but I explode. A part of me is screaming “BUT THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! HOW ELSE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO GET PEOPLE TO GIVE YOU A BREAK” but another part of me also knows that anger is not the way.
Do you know what is worse than having no one that loves you? Getting someone to fight for you when they don’t care. So do you leave? or do you stay because it will hurt your kids?