I can’t talk about our first night. Because at no ones fault… it was incredibly horrifying for me. My depression was the only thing to blame. To this day my husband has no idea about this. It will break him if he finds out. I cried myself to sleep that night. But I picked myself up again and I woke up the next day as if it was all okay.
A couple of days later I was at my in-law’s town. I would be meeting every single member of my husbands family here. Walking into my their house, felt like walking into one of those old ads that they show on TV. The mum with the apron in the kitchen making delicious food. Everyone smiling and laughing, the whole family together, joking around.
I wanted this life. I wanted the atmosphere, I wanted the peace, I wanted to smile and I was in it and I loved it. My father in law would call me his daughter and my mother in law would tell me everyday how much she always wanted a daughter. She would take me out around her area and show me off. I never had to cook, i never had to clean. I was a princess.
My depression came to an abrupt halt then. In retrospect, I think I just wanted someone to notice I was there, especially after what happened with my sister, and my in-laws gave me just that. I think they might have even saved me.
One day after lunch my father in law asked me if I had finished studying. I said no. He said well that’s not what your father said. I said I wouldn’t believe much of what my parents say. I was embarrassed that my family had so many faults and there I was, admitting it to this perfect family.
A few weeks later it was time for us to move into our own place in the city. I found out then that my parents had already left the country to come back to Australia. Words would not explain how betrayed I felt. Not even a goodbye. They didn’t care. I was someone elses problem now. I didn’t say a thing. I kept those feelings to myself. And my depression was triggered again.
It was hot in Chennai. No breeze, in fact the trees were so still one would think they might be fake. We lived in this small house that would get so hot that it would hold the heat even at night. There was no air con, just fans that recycled the hot air. My new husband pretty much went back to work straight away. We never had a honeymoon. And I was glad.
I would distract myself from the looming depression by watching movies and Friends on repeat while he was at work. I think I started to cook and tried to look after the house straight away. I am not sure. You have to forgive me, my memory of these days are not very clear. I know we would go out most nights. I know now that my husband did the best he could to keep me happy. But nothing worked. All i could think about was how alone I was.
My memories are not great but I know how I felt
Betrayed by my family. I was suddenly all alone in a country that I could not recognise anymore. Every family I knew there had gone back to their own lives and there I was with no future. I had not finished a degree, being a housewife pretty much was all I had and I thought that was all I was going to be.
I was also living with someone who was quick to anger. With my depression already in the works it only instilled my fear that I had no one that loved me in this world. I would spend hours thinking about all the people I had loved and realised that no one ever loved me back. Everyone left. Every criticism that my husband gave me, however small, only confirmed the fact that I was not loved. I stopped feeling anything towards anybody…. and anger took over.
I am no fool to make myself vulnerable again.
When I was bullied at school being the angry kid kept the bullies away. So, same concept, it pushed my husband away.
I had to move back to Australia because I was getting too sick. My husbands visa wasn’t finalised yet so he would join me later. I do not remember anything from this period. Nothing. It is all a blank.
When he came to Australia, we had to live with my parents. It was horrible.
My parents would keep asking my husband everyday if he had found a job yet. It had literally been only a week since he moved to Australia. How were you supposed to find work so soon? If you questioned it, they would compare him to everyone else who had moved in and had already found a job. Or they would say that they all came to Australia with a job. This did not help my husband who was already an angry man.
Me being distant towards him didnt help the situation either. I think he felt completely alone then and he wanted to find out why I was being distant. He got curious and he snooped and he found an old journal I used to keep online when my sister was going through her addiction.
Relief was my first reaction when he told me that he read my journal. He finally knew that I was forced into the marriage.
Embarrassment was the next, because I wasn’t this perfect person he thought I was…. more importantly…. his family thought I was. I needed desperately to prove to them that, that was not the case. That I WAS perfect…But I couldn’t…. so I got angry.
Why did you read it without asking me?
Why did you go snooping anyway?
Do you not trust me? omg he’s like my parents… he doesn’t trust me
NO! Don’t ask me questions. I don’t want to answer you.
I hated him even more. But it wasn’t his fault.