The whole truth and nothing but the truth

I have been trying to write the third part of my story for a long time now but the truth is I am not the type to sit down, think about it and then put it into words. Good or bad, emotions drive me so that’s exactly what I am going to do. Just let the emotions write the last part of my story.

The whole reason I started this blog is because I needed someone to hear my story and validate it, to say … “man oh man that’s tough!” Yea I know how it sounds like… like I was just looking for attention? But I was… I AM! And this is why…
Part 1 here
Part 2 here

A few months after my wedding, things in my parents house was getting unbearable. There was an argument that broke out between my parents and I and this was the first one we had had since my sister left the house. So it was BIG. In my moment of anger I asked my mum If she remembered the day I told her about my uncle. Mind you, we don’t talk about anything taboo in my family and in my question to her, I never specified which uncle or what day.

Mum says “Yea, I do. You were around 6. You were wearing your light pink dress, you were standing in the lounge and I was sitting in the dining room with your grandmother… you told me he touched you”

Continue reading The whole truth and nothing but the truth

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Arranged Marriages

He saw a picture of me, saw my long black hair and my big pouty lips and my smile and probably said “Yes, that would make cute kids” or “Yes, I can see myself having sex with that” or “Yea she’s cute, she’ll do”

And then the wedding was done and gone, the marriage started and the baggage that came along with (what he thought to be a) cute face became more transparent…. and he couldn’t handle it.

He couldn’t handle the abused, bruised, stubborn, depressed girl and he regrets everything.

This is the truth.

 

Ignorance is Bliss

When you try your best but you don’t succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you leave something you can’t replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

 

Pro and Con: I’m pretty good at pushing things to the back of my head

Either that or I am Bipolar

Happiness

I was looking through my photos and I realised that there was never a phase in my life where I was truly happy.

Every part of my life was underlined by the fact that I was running away from something or did the things I did because I was trying to forget something else.

As I was going through them, however, I realised that there were happy moments. MOMENTS…

Like the time almost a decade ago, my ex took a picture of me when I was on the way to a Easter show. There I am in my favourite stripey woolen top and my black tights, looking up at him, trying to make a cute face. But you can see the black marks around my eyes, because those were the days where my sister was taking drugs, got kicked out and my house was a nightmare to live in. That was a bad phase of my life, the phase where everything started, the phase where I was forced to grow up with no help from anyone. But that day, that moment, I was happy. I was away from the dark house and the dark mood and although forbidden, I was with someone who made me happy, for that moment.

That moment.

Maybe it’s all about moments of happiness. Maybe I shouldn’t expect phases in my life where I am completely happy. Maybe this is all I get?

Or rather this is what I will tell myself until the next phase of depression hits and I am curling in a corner trying to keep the thoughts of death away.

I have to be happy for my kids. I have to stay happy…

 

Nothing

You know those movies that have this mother figure, that was never there for the kids. When she was there she was great but she was battling something else. So she runs away. One kid ends up hating the mother and the other kids ends up searching for the mother, only to be disappointed in the end.

I feel like I’m that mother.

I am trying so hard to be there for my kids. But it is becoming clear, more and more each day, that I am not right for them.

I think I have been using band aids all my life to try and fix what was broken. Honestly, I think my kids were a type of band aid for me to try and fix a broken marriage. I think they were that love that I had been craving all my life (Indian arranged marriage cliche anyone?) But kids only mimic what you do, and it’s kind of hard to keep up an appearance of love when you are not getting it yourself.

I keep thinking, if I run away, they are still too young, they will learn to live with it. It’s harder to watch them get hurt every time I have an episode, but then I think.. What if I want to come back someday… what happens then?

To be honest, I don’t know if what I am feeling is depression. I have never been officially diagnosed. I am too scared to be officially diagnosed, because if I do, then it’s just another excuse for family around me to tell me how insignificant I am.

I cannot, I CANNOT, see anything happy around me. Nothing. Not even my kids.I only see fake, made up happiness around me that was done to mask whatever bad deed that was done before. I don’t see love around me, I only see selfish people using the name of love to get what they want from others. I definitely don’t see peace, I don’t think any of us do. All I see is ignorance.

I have been here before, the last time, it took me months to ignore these thoughts and move on to whatever hope I had left. The last time this happened, I had a baby to mask the thoughts of death.

This time around, I have kids, who are hurt because of me and I am running out of time. I don’t have months to fix myself, Months means the kids would be hurting for all of those months. I cannot mask it either, because it is just going to come back stronger than it is now.

But I have no support to help me either. 

I don’t think I am going to make it this time. 

The facebook life

I Loved this scene the moment I saw it.

Purely because it shows how easy it is to make people see what you want them to see as opposed to what’s really there. I learnt a lot from it and I use it. They only see the kids, The husband, The house, The birthdays and the celebrations. They don’t see the sleepless nights and the fights and the emotional roller coaster, They don’t know what’s behind those pictures, those smiles, those jokes.

Its easy to distract people

Daily Update

Long Days

Even longer nights

Constantly tired

Constantly surrounded by negative thoughts

Constantly being reminded of how insignificant you are

Constantly surrounded by people who just dont care

Constantly being reminded that there is no one in this world that loves you

Like genuinely loves you

You are all alone

And there is nothing you can do to change it.