Nothing

You know those movies that have this mother figure, that was never there for the kids. When she was there she was great but she was battling something else. So she runs away. One kid ends up hating the mother and the other kids ends up searching for the mother, only to be disappointed in the end.

I feel like I’m that mother.

I am trying so hard to be there for my kids. But it is becoming clear, more and more each day, that I am not right for them.

I think I have been using band aids all my life to try and fix what was broken. Honestly, I think my kids were a type of band aid for me to try and fix a broken marriage. I think they were that love that I had been craving all my life (Indian arranged marriage cliche anyone?) But kids only mimic what you do, and it’s kind of hard to keep up an appearance of love when you are not getting it yourself.

I keep thinking, if I run away, they are still too young, they will learn to live with it. It’s harder to watch them get hurt every time I have an episode, but then I think.. What if I want to come back someday… what happens then?

To be honest, I don’t know if what I am feeling is depression. I have never been officially diagnosed. I am too scared to be officially diagnosed, because if I do, then it’s just another excuse for family around me to tell me how insignificant I am.

I cannot, I CANNOT, see anything happy around me. Nothing. Not even my kids.I only see fake, made up happiness around me that was done to mask whatever bad deed that was done before. I don’t see love around me, I only see selfish people using the name of love to get what they want from others. I definitely don’t see peace, I don’t think any of us do. All I see is ignorance.

I have been here before, the last time, it took me months to ignore these thoughts and move on to whatever hope I had left. The last time this happened, I had a baby to mask the thoughts of death.

This time around, I have kids, who are hurt because of me and I am running out of time. I don’t have months to fix myself, Months means the kids would be hurting for all of those months. I cannot mask it either, because it is just going to come back stronger than it is now.

But I have no support to help me either. 

I don’t think I am going to make it this time. 

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