I have been trying to write the third part of my story for a long time now but the truth is I am not the type to sit down, think about it and then put it into words. Good or bad, emotions drive me so that’s exactly what I am going to do. Just let the emotions write the last part of my story.
The whole reason I started this blog is because I needed someone to hear my story and validate it, to say … “man oh man that’s tough!” Yea I know how it sounds like… like I was just looking for attention? But I was… I AM! And this is why…
Part 1 here
Part 2 here
A few months after my wedding, things in my parents house was getting unbearable. There was an argument that broke out between my parents and I and this was the first one we had had since my sister left the house. So it was BIG. In my moment of anger I asked my mum If she remembered the day I told her about my uncle. Mind you, we don’t talk about anything taboo in my family and in my question to her, I never specified which uncle or what day.
Mum says “Yea, I do. You were around 6. You were wearing your light pink dress, you were standing in the lounge and I was sitting in the dining room with your grandmother… you told me he touched you”
See this moment in my life was the single worst moment of my life. Not even being nearly raped by my own uncle came close. THIS was worse. There she was, my own mother, remembering things that even I didn’t about that day, so clearly and explaining it like it was no big deal. No emotion. Just a recap.
And I asked her “so what did you do about it?” And she says
“it was my sisters husband. I could never ruin her life”
My mother. The ever so loyal…. I stared at her in disbelief and I thought about all the things I did for my parents my entire life…standing there, staring at her… my head spinning….I listed it in my head one by one..
1. Waking up alone at night completely scared because my parents were too busy looking for my sister who was clubbing. But waking up the next morning and acting like I never realised.
2. They brought me to Australia when I was 13 and made me live with the same man that tried to rape me when I was 6
3. She acted like he did nothing to me when he was being questioned by police for what he did to someone else
4. They blamed me for my sisters drug addiction
5. They brought him back into our house to do PRAYERS for my sister and did NOTHING when he walked into my room when I was alone
6. They FORCED ME TO MARRY SOMEONE. Thats when it hit me…. I’m married… I was forced to marry someone by these people…OMG… my life… my entire life… I gave them my entire life!
At that moment I realised that they never loved me. My mum… My dad… they never loved me. Because, she just said so, she just told me that her sisters life was more important than mine. What else could it mean? Is there any other way I could interpret it?
My relationship with my parents was never, and never will be the same again. Not Without Apology.
My marriage to my husband, apart from the fact of it being forced, dainted by my baggage just did not have a chance to begin with…. and people knew it. Some even told me so. They would say “She won’t last long with him”… the funny thing was… as much as a part of me agreed with them, there was a bigger part of me that wanted to prove these people wrong. I am not sure why, I still to this day cannot fully understand why I reacted that way. For all the hurt and shame I have been through since then, I could have just as easily agreed with them, divorced him and walked away…. but i didn’t. I stayed. I worked hard to see the good in him, to make myself love him or at the very least respect him. But I had a fight in my hands and I didn’t know it.
My husband, and this is completely my opinion only, pretty much started doubting me the minute he found out that I had an ex who I was in love with for a very long time. When he found out that I was abused by my uncle, that doubt was cemented. The doubt that I was not the right choice for him was now set in stone.
This was pretty much the beginning of the end… he stopped holding my hand in public, he would poke fun at me in front of his mates… but as a “joke” so all you could do was laugh with him. He would throw his laundry on the floor and not care, when I clean it up he would do the same thing again. The first time I cooked for him, he came from work and ate the whole thing… not once did he ask if I had eaten. I went to sleep hungry that day. We would watch movies he likes and do the things he liked. I know all of this sounds petty, like I am picking on him. But you have to understand, I was forced into this marriage, I was doubting everything that had ever happened in my life. My mum lying to me my entire life meant my entire life had been a lie. To me, when he does these things, all I see is someone who doesn’t care about me. Why would you insult your new wife in front of your mates? Why did he stop holding my hand? Eventually I stopped trying as well. I stopped trying to love. I convinced myself that Love was not for me. Because why would it be? My own mother doesn’t care. So why would anyone else? What authority do I have to demand Love from a stranger when my own mother, the woman who birthed me, never cared?
What type of family was I born into? I trusted God in everything I did. Even on the day of my wedding, it didn’t feel right standing there in front of the church…but I trusted God because things always happen for a reason. Big things…. life changing things don’t just happen… there is always a reason…. I TRUSTED HIM… but look where I am now… A family who don’t care and a husband who is full of regret. I am going nowhere and I can’t get out. I want to but I can’t.
So why did I have kids with this man? They told me I could not have kids… 3 hospitals, countless doctors and no one could figure out why…. eventually, thinking it was a good thing, I wasn’t meant for love anyway right? I gave up and I decided to be career focussed, I’ll save up enough and then I’ll leave because without money I’ll just have to go back to my parents house but a month into my new job, I fell pregnant.
I was happy because at least now I would have someone who loves me. No strings attached. This is honestly what I thought. Probably a bad decision but I was desperate.. I needed a validation that I was good for something in this life. I wasn’t meant to be a daughter, I wasn’t meant to be a wife… maybe I could be a mother. I was selfish.
I want to make this life work, but I am surrounded by people who don’t care and I have complicated things by adding kids in the mix and so now I am stuck.
I don’t care for my parents, I don’t think I care for my husband, I have completely given up on the fact that a God even exists and I am starting to not care for my kids and I am just turning into a completely shit excuse for a human being and I am not sure where to start to fix this.
So there it is. My story. 3 decades later… and here it is…Out in public for the world to see.
Judge what you will but this is the truth.