It was my birthday yesterday.
2……… freaking 9
I don’t want to dwell on that too much.
Do you ever feel disconnected from the whole world?
Like it wont matter if you stay or you go. Like it wont matter if you cared or you didnt. Like you just can’t be bothered to even try because you already know you won’t be happy with the outcome?
I always keep coming back to one thing – I need a break from my family. Yea I know that makes me sound like a bad mother. It is this taboo thing to say that you need a break from your kids. I am just going to make that statement a little bit worse by saying – If i take a break, if I ever do get the chance to take a break, I am not sure I will be willing to come back. I know that sounds bad. I cannot tell you why I feel this way.
Maybe it is just as easy and simple as I just didnt have enough days off after having my kids. Maybe I went back to work too quickly. Maybe I just work too hard and not enough relaxing with my kids. Or Maybe it’s not that simple and I… and its hard for me to say this because it feels like admitting to something very real… or maybe this is me realising I made a mistake by choosing this life and I’m running away. Maybe this is me trying to start my life again.
I don’t know what I’m doing and i am a lost little … woman? Mother? Bitch? Devil?
I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in weeks
I started writing a post a week ago about what my husband did one night when the kids were more trouble than they should have been.
As I was writing the post I realised that there were somethings that I did that night that were pretty childish. My mind immediately started making excuses for being childish..
Well I wouldn’t be this way if it wasn’t for. …
But then I knew that was ridiculous because no matter what happened to me… I have a choice not to be a bitch or just plain immature.
Anyway before I could finish that post… things got in the way and I forgot about it.
Yesterday my husband and I had our counselling session and it was full on. A part of me felt like she was picking on me but a tiny part of me knew she was right. Again my brain started making excuses… well she’s a shitty counselor anyway
No she’s not. She is right.
I need to stop blaming people. Yes it was their fault but no you didn’t have to react that way. Yes it is a scary thought that people might take advantage of you if are nice to them but that is on them. NOT YOU.
Its going to be a long road ahead. For a long time I kept telling myself that I need to stay alive and sane for my kids but that’s not true. ..
I need to stay alive and sane for me. ME. Because I can’t let the past define who I am.
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I feel my anger filling me up again because everything is just so unfair
How much do I sound like a teenager right now?
I want to write why I am angry but it’s not just one thing… it’s the little things… like the house being a constant mess, and it’s not just because of the kids, my husband seems to be okay with living in a sty as well. I am getting sick of picking up after everybody. At least if it was my house I would be able to do it later but now I have the added pressure of my mum or my dad nagging about everything dirty the entire time. And they don’t nag me, they expect my husband to clean up… which deep inside I know is fair because he is the one that leaves the coke cans and the laundry everywhere but for goodness sake DON’T TELL HIM THAT! If you do he’ll hate you more… and if he hates you more then he’ll hate me more…. he’ll be in a grumpy mood for the next 6 months… even the slightest thing will make him hate everything even more and then I would have to compromise more and more until I get exhausted and get angry and then the kids would cry and then the kids would hate me and run to their dad….. who was the one who started this all in the first place!!! So I conclude that this is entirely my parents fault for ruining my life.
So…. there it is… my reason for anger….. it’s the little things that make you realise how controlled your life is.
Just you know …. I just need to hang on for like 20 more years till my kids are old enough to move out and then I’ll leave him …
Just hang on for 20 more years… then you can ask your parents to forgive you.
Just 20 more years.
I don’t have much hope for our counselling session because it is just how my life works.
I come from a culture where we are taught that religion comes first. No matter what….God is first. The problem is, that same culture confuses cultural rules with religious rules. Like for example; we are not allowed to drink at weddings. When I was younger, I was led to believe that this was because it would not sit right with God…. but the truth is, God doesn’t give a shit… people just don’t want to spend money so others can get drunk.
I started questioning these rules during my late teens. I researched and got a pretty good idea of what was right according to the Bible and what was just a cultural thing. Up until this year, I was a pretty religious… I even named my first Born “Faith”.
I finally questioned the fact that a God exists during my 20th “conversation” with my mum about my uncle almost raping me – twice and her not caring… I thought to myself… “why would I be put in a family where they just don’t give a shit? I know that God only gives you as much hardship as you can take but surely after almost 3 decades I would have had some kind of resolution/ closure with this? And if marriages are made in heaven…. what the fuck did I do to deserve an asshole? Like force married to an asshole!”
I cannot disregard that a God exists because there are some things in this world that I cannot explain… but I cannot say he exists either because well…. why are all these children being hurt these days? Why can’t God stop it from happening? I know humans do alot to themselves and they have the choice to go ahead with a bad decision or not but how would a kid being abused have a choice? The Bible says that I should respect my parents and honour them… do I still honour my parents even though they blatantly don’t care about me?
I am feeling ridiculous writing all of this. I know there are going to be comments with a yay or a nay in it but I just don’t get it. So I am just going to say…. if there is a God he is not all powerful. He is there to give us hope during hard times so we have the strength to move on and not kill ourselves. Scriptures are there to help us live lives as good people and that’s it. There is nothing supernatural about God. There is no heaven and our lives on Earth is hell.
This is what I believe. I wish someone out there would prove me otherwise.
My therapist agrees that my life is Chaos and she wants to see if my husband will work with me to help it get better and I asked her… what if he doesn’t and she said
“Then we’ll work in the two of being parents rather than partners.”
I hope this happens. I want to start my life again.