Mind Games

In my opinion and personal experience, mind games are the worst kind of abuse to be inflicted on someone. It doesn’t show scars so no one can see the pain and words can be said in a way that can be twisted so the abuser can get away with the abuse.

There was an argument that happened yesterday between my parents and my husband and I. My parents want one of two things
1. For us to leave
2. More money

I am not sure which one it is but they did say (without me saying anything) “I haven’t asked you for more money” and when asked if they wanted us to leave they said “i cannot answer that question”

I’ll leave it to you to interpret that however you want.

Deniability if they get caught abusing me is what they wanted and that is what they will get.

The worst part about all of this, and the part that I cannot get over, is the fact that these are my parents.

My parents.

It’s quite heart breaking because I don’t know how to live without my parents.

I am almost 30 and I still long for my mothers hugs. The last time I got one, I was less than 10 years old. More than 20 years later and I am still hoping for that hug.

But in reality, all I will get is mind games.

One day when I die, I am planning to share this blog with my family. But I know that even then they would never admit that they did something wrong along the way, they will only blame it on me and say I’ve had a mental illness.

Deniability. That’s all my abusers ever want.

Advertisements

Happiness

This blog/ diary thing I am doing started off as a place to tell people my story. It is a common story in some parts of the world, but most dont speak of it. So I thought, I’ll come here and let the world know.

But a few months down and this blog has turned into a lifestory of someone who is trying to replace depression with Happiness.

Today is a day of clarity. I dont get many of these days. Most days I am stuck in a rut, thinking about the past and driving myself insane. Most days I over analyse everything and get sad. Everyday, it is hard to remember that happiness even exists.

This weekend my husband booked a hotel room for me so I could experience how it would be like if i was without a family. No parents, No sibilings, No husband, No kids. Leading up to this weekend, I had plans of going out, reading books, eating out on my own and watching as many movies on Netflix as I could. I couldnt WAIT to SHOWER AND PEE on my own. It was going to the best. I did worry that I might not want to come back and I think my husband did too but I had to do this, If i didnt want to come back then there is no real point in prolonging this relationship anyway.

Continue reading Happiness

Arranged Marriage

Relationships usually have a history.

How two people met. How they started talking to each other. How they created a circle of friends around them. How they started seeing each other in a different light. How they fell in love. Making memories together. Getting through the odds while growing up. Making plans together of getting old. And then…. actually doing it.

It sounds wonderful doesnt it? The thought that two people could, against all odds while growing up and finding oneself, finds another to share it with too? Feels like a fairytale. Like something you only see in the movies? 

But its not is it? There are thousands of people in this world who have created or creating that very history together right now.

The thing about arranged Marriages is that you dont have the how we met story, you dont have the what did you say to each other first story, you dont have a first kiss story, you dont have a how we fell in love story, hell you dont even get to make your own circle of friends.

Continue reading Arranged Marriage

Fear

Limits your options
Creates confusion
Creates hate
Turns you into the thing you fear

I fear love
But love is what I need most
I love so much I judge those who don’t love as much as me
It’s not love if it is not how i pictured it to be

Wheres my prince in that shining armour?
All i get is a bearded man in cargo pants?
This cannot be right
This is not love

Lookout its the Grinch

I hope I read through this blog of mine one day and just think “Wow! I am so glad things have changed”

I don’t see it happening as yet but one can hope.

Obviously as you might have guessed, my depression has hit full swing this week. I am going on a double date tonight with a work collegue of mine and I am so anxious about it. It’s the first time our partners would be meeting each other and I am just nervous. Like I am about to puke nervous.

Oh! Anxiety! Why you do this to me?

You know what the shit part is?  I can get help but I am scared that if I do my husband would complain about the money we are spending or bring it up later on in life about how he put up with it. The shit part is,  my husband and I are so …. like we care about what each other will think. .. what do you call that?  Shouldn’t it be when you are married to each other you shouldn’t really care because you know they’d love you anyway?  Like they should be the one urging you to get help because it’s what is best for you? 

Or does that just happen in the movies?