Relationships usually have a history.
How two people met. How they started talking to each other. How they created a circle of friends around them. How they started seeing each other in a different light. How they fell in love. Making memories together. Getting through the odds while growing up. Making plans together of getting old. And then…. actually doing it.
It sounds wonderful doesnt it? The thought that two people could, against all odds while growing up and finding oneself, finds another to share it with too? Feels like a fairytale. Like something you only see in the movies?
But its not is it? There are thousands of people in this world who have created or creating that very history together right now.
The thing about arranged Marriages is that you dont have the how we met story, you dont have the what did you say to each other first story, you dont have a first kiss story, you dont have a how we fell in love story, hell you dont even get to make your own circle of friends.
In an arranged marriage… you are supposed to know who you are already before meeting the person you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with. No matter how old you are when you are getting married… you are supposed to know how the world works. You are supposed to know how to make another person happy before they can even make you happy. You are pushed into a family that you have to accept. A partner you have to accept. A partner you HAVE to fall in love with. You have to be happy.
I think my husband and I started off the wrong way. The last 8 years have just been a blur of logical expectations from both our parts without really wanting to or realising that we had to get to know each other first. While some of it might be a mistake on our part, most of it is the society we were in that created expectations and made us believe that we had to live by it.
As a woman I was expected to cook, clean and keep the house in order maybe even make babies. These expectations are not spoken of but they are made known. As a man my husband was expected to provide for his family and keep the wife happy.
I cannot play the sexism card when it comes to arranged marriages, because neither of the sexes win in this one. We are both forced to do things that we never really were allowed to think about for too long.
While I did not have much of a say in finding a life partner for myself, my husband was given a little bit of a leeway to select his. But even he was kept on a leash that he could not walk too far.
This is not something that we are made to do when we turn of age. No. This is something instilled in us in very subtle ways while growing up. Thats the sad part. So by the time we wake up and realise whats happened… its been 8 years you have 2 kids and a house on the way and all your logical dreams are falling into pieces because they dont have any roots.
There is no history in an arranged Marriage, there is only what they asked you to do. There is no private moment in an arrange marriage, there are only what they made you do. There is no first kiss, there are no memories.
All you get is a wedding, sex, kids and a house. No love. Because there was no time for love. They never gave us time for love. Love is not an expectation.
My husband and I are starting over and its hard. It honestly feels like I lost both my legs and I am learning to walk again. Only this time I have to carry another person with me. It is hard. I don’t even know if my head is right but I have to make sure his is okay too.
Love is something that is so far away. I dont know at this point if i am going to feel that way about him. I am just trying to make sense of right now.
He is an amazing man my husband. He did the best he could to make this relationship work. He carried this as far as he could but now its my turn…. and its bloody terrifing. Because I dont know who I am. How am i supposed to look after a family?