This blog/ diary thing I am doing started off as a place to tell people my story. It is a common story in some parts of the world, but most dont speak of it. So I thought, I’ll come here and let the world know.
But a few months down and this blog has turned into a lifestory of someone who is trying to replace depression with Happiness.
Today is a day of clarity. I dont get many of these days. Most days I am stuck in a rut, thinking about the past and driving myself insane. Most days I over analyse everything and get sad. Everyday, it is hard to remember that happiness even exists.
This weekend my husband booked a hotel room for me so I could experience how it would be like if i was without a family. No parents, No sibilings, No husband, No kids. Leading up to this weekend, I had plans of going out, reading books, eating out on my own and watching as many movies on Netflix as I could. I couldnt WAIT to SHOWER AND PEE on my own. It was going to the best. I did worry that I might not want to come back and I think my husband did too but I had to do this, If i didnt want to come back then there is no real point in prolonging this relationship anyway.
I checked in Friday night straight after work and I walked up to my room and there was this amazing bathroom, This amazing BIG bed all to myself, non- stop supply of movies – MY MOVIES. None of this Dora bullshit and all I could think of was the hugs I would get as soon as I got home. But I didnt have that in this hotel room. No kisses no hugs, no one to greet me when I got home.
I got room service and there I was with this big plate of amazing lamb, I didnt even have to cook it or clean the plate afterwards, but I kept thinking… Wow my son would have loved this. My husband would have enjoyed this, if only it were a little spicAy.
There is a post from my facebook page I would like to share with you. I wrote this when my daughter turned one, two years ago. I am sharing this here, because over the years, I have forgotten it myself:
At exactly 9 am on this day last year, I was induced to start the birth of the most precious thing in my life. Not even a 9 month ordeal of going through the aches and the pains (oh the pain!) of pregnancy prepared me for that day. I remember the hours my husband and I spent just waiting for all of it to start…. Finally at exactly 10:45 PM on Feb 28th 2013 this tiny little thing, barely the size of my arm, was born. That exact moment cannot be described in words. To call it bliss/ euphoria would be an understatement. I realised that all the good times and the bad times meant nothing compared to this little thing (now crying) in my arms. My life had been a complete waste up till this point. I could barely hear or feel a thing when i looked at her, I was completely numb to my own body and the outside world. Being alive all of these wasted years suddenly made sense. It has now been a year and the most important lesson that XXX has taught me is that the innocence i lost while growing up could still be regained, and she reminds me everyday that no matter what happens around me, there is still some happiness in this world…. Even if it is just a rubber ducky… Its still pretty funny.
I love you honey bunch, you are going to kill me out of exhaustion one day but I’ll still love you for it.
My kids gave meaning to my life. I realised that the reason I had them might have been because of pressure or even some kind of selfish thought but i doesnt matter. It doesnt matter why I had them because when they got here… they changed the game.
They made me work hard for everything. I know this sounds bad, but its not. Being lazy helps nothing. You gotta work for everything, you even gotta work for happiness. Happiness doesnt come to you on a horse in a shining armour, kiss you and carry you off to a castle. Happiness comes after you come home after an exhausting day at the office and you drive a long commute home and you open the door of the house that you do not own and havent cleaned in days and you get a friendly smile and a warm hug. Happiness comes after you have carried a 4 kg child for 9 months go through immense unimaginable, bone breaking pain for 12 hours- literally pour out blood, sweat and tears and then happiness comes in a little crying confused bundle.
My kids taught me that the little things matter. A ring is one thing, but a smile is complete different ball game. I know all of this sounds cliche but cliches are cliches for a reason. Because they are true. Because a lot of people agree to this.
I am not saying that this one weekend has made my depression go away. This one weekend has reminded me of the reason I need to be alive. So next time (it might even be in a few hours) my brain decides to bring me down, I will force myself to think of this. Think of the time I called my daughter from the hotel room and she asked me when I am going to come back.
I will get better, I know whats wrong with me now.