Clear

It’s 14° C and sunny outside. I’ve caught Pikachu (that’s right I’m almost 30 and a Pokemon Goer). The Government just gave us back a 4 digit number $$ back that they owe us and I can finally get those shoes for my son and get my kids a haircut. Maybe even splurge a little and get some Bbq wipes and tea towels for the kitchen! And some pants and jackets for the kids!

Is the mother in me showing? Sorry.

My heads been less depressed in the last couple of days than it has been in the last 3 weeks, which is also good. I’m going to cherish this because its nice to have a clear mind. 

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In other news… I’m going to be 30 in 5 months and 1 day. Dirty 30. Dirty THIRTY 

Thirty, married for 9 years, two kids 4 and under, maybe a house (if it gets built on time) and MAYBE I’ll get to leave this job, go part time and spend more time with the kids. These are my goals. I don’t know how I turned into such a parent but somehow I have and I am actually okay with it. I dont even want to go back to my single life. It was boring and complicated and confusing anyway. 

Perhaps just Dramatic

This constant struggle between the need to be perfect and the reality of not being prefect is tiring.  Yet,  I cannot stop myself. 

Every time I have a disagreement with someone I think, God this is why everyone hates me. This obsessive thought of listing all the reasons why everyone hates me begins and then this need to make everyone believe otherwise starts and then the result is always the same. …people get pushed out.  But of course my head thinks. .. “see I was right you’re just too weird to be normal, to be perfect,  just learn to live alone. It’s just easier that way”

Even if i somehow stop myself from being obsessively negative, the thoughts always creep in.  The longest I have gone without thinking about how people perceive me is a week. 1 week. 

What triggers this,  is not always a disagreement. It can be as simple as someone looking at me for a sec too long or even a conversation between two friends that I was not part of “oh God they must think I’m boring, that’s why they are not talking to me.”

Constant anxiety perhaps. Or maybe I’m just a drama queen. Or spoilt. Or maybe the last two reasons are just my brain telling me how not perfect I am 

This darkness of mine

I wake up and it’s another day of repeating the same thing I did the day before, the week before that and the one before that….

I get up and think, right.. gotta start breakfast and pack lunches. But at the back of my head, the place where I send things that I don’t want to deal with, I can hear a small, somewhat loud voice that says “No just go back to bed… they can survive a few hours without you”

I am waking up the kids and giving them hugs.  I’m singing songs and warming up the milk but my brain is saying “You think they are really going to like you?  They are going to catch on to how fake you are.They are going to hate you just like you hate your mother.  History always repeats itself”

And then I am alone with my kids,  my husband has left for the day.  And all of a sudden i feel more naked, like my kids can see right through my facade and know that I don’t really want to be here.  “I just want them to go away and i just want to be in bed…. no you can’t think that way.  They rely on you.  You have to push through this. Don’t let them see it”

I’m driving now to daycare and I’ve already lost my patience on my kids a few times while getting them ready but I’m smiling,  singing a song with them, getting them to count the cars and the buses “just distract them from you. Don’t let them see it” 

My daughter aks me a question.  I answer “oh put a happy spin on it. God i dont think that sounded convincing…. she’s gonna see right through it…. she’s quiet now.  She’s probably figured out that I’m in one of my moods… say something happy”

“You want the music on baby? ”

“Yes”

“Oh God she’s acting so I won’t be upset”

“Come on baby sing!”

“She can see right through this…. you know she can.  That’s the same face you used to make when you knew your mum wasn’t up to it….. history, always repeats”

By the time I get to work I’m exhausted. “Just keep going, you’re almost there. Once you sit at work you should be okay”

“Another day of going to work without brushing my hair.  God did I brush my teeth today?  I’ll just do it at work.  Thank God for the spare brush!  Why am I thanking God?  What did he ever do? Give you crappy parents and no one who loves you? ” 

Switching on my computer i wonder why no one ever loved me.  “Well if mum couldn’t love you…God no! No! Don’t get into this thinking!  This is how depression starts… right work. .. why does this computer take so long to start?! Finally! Emails…. ”

I am making breakfast and having little chit chats with colleagues “Just don’t say anything abnormal. Just say things that others would say” I know talking would help.  I wish I could talk to someone.  Don’t tell anyone how you are feeling.  It’s not normal to feel this way.  You cannot show people that you are breaking.  Just don’t break.  If you say it,  you’ll break.  Dont break!  

Going to pick up the kids “Alright here we go.  15 minutes of relaxing before the kids get in. I am so tired. .. but I got to keep going” 

Oh she’s asking a million questions again.  Just don’t get angry.just keep answering  them. I am just so tired.  Once the kids get home,  it should be fine.  

Right, bags in, kids in, gate closed. .. here we go. Mac and cheese…. done… milk…. ah! Husband  home. Good. Breathe. Just breathe… youre almost there.  Just don’t think about tomorrow.  If you’re lucky…. it might not come.