This darkness of mine

I wake up and it’s another day of repeating the same thing I did the day before, the week before that and the one before that….

I get up and think, right.. gotta start breakfast and pack lunches. But at the back of my head, the place where I send things that I don’t want to deal with, I can hear a small, somewhat loud voice that says “No just go back to bed… they can survive a few hours without you”

I am waking up the kids and giving them hugs.  I’m singing songs and warming up the milk but my brain is saying “You think they are really going to like you?  They are going to catch on to how fake you are.They are going to hate you just like you hate your mother.  History always repeats itself”

And then I am alone with my kids,  my husband has left for the day.  And all of a sudden i feel more naked, like my kids can see right through my facade and know that I don’t really want to be here.  “I just want them to go away and i just want to be in bed…. no you can’t think that way.  They rely on you.  You have to push through this. Don’t let them see it”

I’m driving now to daycare and I’ve already lost my patience on my kids a few times while getting them ready but I’m smiling,  singing a song with them, getting them to count the cars and the buses “just distract them from you. Don’t let them see it” 

My daughter aks me a question.  I answer “oh put a happy spin on it. God i dont think that sounded convincing…. she’s gonna see right through it…. she’s quiet now.  She’s probably figured out that I’m in one of my moods… say something happy”

“You want the music on baby? ”

“Yes”

“Oh God she’s acting so I won’t be upset”

“Come on baby sing!”

“She can see right through this…. you know she can.  That’s the same face you used to make when you knew your mum wasn’t up to it….. history, always repeats”

By the time I get to work I’m exhausted. “Just keep going, you’re almost there. Once you sit at work you should be okay”

“Another day of going to work without brushing my hair.  God did I brush my teeth today?  I’ll just do it at work.  Thank God for the spare brush!  Why am I thanking God?  What did he ever do? Give you crappy parents and no one who loves you? ” 

Switching on my computer i wonder why no one ever loved me.  “Well if mum couldn’t love you…God no! No! Don’t get into this thinking!  This is how depression starts… right work. .. why does this computer take so long to start?! Finally! Emails…. ”

I am making breakfast and having little chit chats with colleagues “Just don’t say anything abnormal. Just say things that others would say” I know talking would help.  I wish I could talk to someone.  Don’t tell anyone how you are feeling.  It’s not normal to feel this way.  You cannot show people that you are breaking.  Just don’t break.  If you say it,  you’ll break.  Dont break!  

Going to pick up the kids “Alright here we go.  15 minutes of relaxing before the kids get in. I am so tired. .. but I got to keep going” 

Oh she’s asking a million questions again.  Just don’t get angry.just keep answering  them. I am just so tired.  Once the kids get home,  it should be fine.  

Right, bags in, kids in, gate closed. .. here we go. Mac and cheese…. done… milk…. ah! Husband  home. Good. Breathe. Just breathe… youre almost there.  Just don’t think about tomorrow.  If you’re lucky…. it might not come. 

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