This constant struggle between the need to be perfect and the reality of not being prefect is tiring. Yet, I cannot stop myself.
Every time I have a disagreement with someone I think, God this is why everyone hates me. This obsessive thought of listing all the reasons why everyone hates me begins and then this need to make everyone believe otherwise starts and then the result is always the same. …people get pushed out. But of course my head thinks. .. “see I was right you’re just too weird to be normal, to be perfect, just learn to live alone. It’s just easier that way”
Even if i somehow stop myself from being obsessively negative, the thoughts always creep in. The longest I have gone without thinking about how people perceive me is a week. 1 week.
What triggers this, is not always a disagreement. It can be as simple as someone looking at me for a sec too long or even a conversation between two friends that I was not part of “oh God they must think I’m boring, that’s why they are not talking to me.”
Constant anxiety perhaps. Or maybe I’m just a drama queen. Or spoilt. Or maybe the last two reasons are just my brain telling me how not perfect I am