This Faith of mine

My husband was up for a promotion. Infact they put him up for the job on a secondment and then told him he’ll get the job permanently in feb next year. Anyway as luck would have it, we got the bad news yesterday that it was not going to happen. We were so upset because we were riding our entire lives on that promotion and it was all gone. That day we told his mum and she says “that’s okay, whatever God has planned it will happen. Maybe he has something better for you”

I know she meant well but That PI$$ED ME OFF so bad! SOOO BAD. I’m SICK of waiting on this so-called almighty to come and save me. Because I have been waiting for this said God to give me a break for years now… and I don’t see anything happening. Whatever better plan he has for me has not happened yet because not only did I lose my parents this year, I also realised that they have been screwing me over for years. I have lost my entire family, my entire history is gone. I have had to sell everything that belonged to me just to survive! I have no money, infact my husband and I have gone hungry for weeks because we only had enough money to feed the kids and get them diapers after paying the rent, the bills and the mortgage. There was even a couple of weeks we couldnt afford to get the diapers so our babysitter had to buy it for us!

Anything good that HAS happened was because of my own willpower to make it happen. Im so done with this fake faith that everybody is so invested on! SO OVER IT!

Ugh.. ok that’s my rant.

 

Anxiety

My son’s second Birthday party is tomorrow. I have to make the cake, clean the house and make the “ice cream” (fro yo basically).

After work, I’ve cleaned 3 out of the 8 rooms that the guests could potentially be in the house. I wanted to make a cake in the shape of a bus but my bottom half has collapsed. My MIL also kept repeating how much it smelt like baking soda so now I have to make another one. I am so tired… my knees hurt,  my spinal cord and shoulders are blazing in pain (thank you to the 2 kids I gave birth to). I have managed to get my husband to leave the house with the kids to buy the ingredients for the fro yo and the sausage rolls and lollies etc.

Oh btw we still haven’t got my son a present so we gotta do that tomorrow before the party. My husband has promised to make the pasta tomorrow as well (lets see how that goes!) And I am so stressed…. all I want to do is curl up in bed and never wake up. 

But I can’t make a little cake defeat me no matter how much my brain wants me to…. This is my son’s only 2nd bday. We’ll never get this back and it’s got to be the best. I have to get that bus! I can’t just give him a chocolate cake with a bus on it….. can I?…

Ugh! I’m so tired! What good is this anyway I am going to regret everything I did or didn’t do or didnt get to do tomorrow anyway!

Easy way out

I was hoping with my MIL in the house my depression would stay at bay. It is hard enough for my husband to comprehend it, let alone a person I have barely spent any time with.

But it’s here and its not the kind you can hide. Its the kind that makes you want to curl up into bed all day. What triggered it? My breakfast for the family burnt and stuck to the pan. That’s it. 

That’s all it took. Fucking burnt breakfast. My thought process went from “not good enough to even make a simple breakfast” to “shit mother, shit wife, shit daughter, shit daughter in law, shit human being…why are you even here?”

In my moment of anxiety I didnt really realise why I was angry. But my husband asked me to relax before he left for work and thats when I realised I was stressed out and it wasn’t really me but my anxiety.

I just want this thing to go away because I know I’m better than this. I don’t want to push people away but it’s just. …… *deep breath* easier….

I get angry 

So angry in fact that if my kids don’t do something I threaten them with my anger and they immediately respond

So angry in fact that no one – family or colleagues talk to me in stressful situations

So angry in fact that I had an hour scream match with my boss followed by 2 hours of her telling me that I always have a black cloud around me while I was balling my eyes out. She told me that if I don’t get help I’ll probably lose my job.

Fair enough. I guess. Who wants to work with the grinch anyway?

The truth is, its not anger. People think its anger but its not. Its anxiety. Anxiety coming from the stress of wanting to please everyone around me which is a symptom of fear that stems from the fact that no one would love me because my own parents never cared.

I never said I wasn’t complicated 

Inevitable

My mum showed up at work today.

I knew it was going to happen… I knew what i had to do and I didnt blink for a second when I asked her to leave. 

I didnt blink when I saw her face change when she realised that she was never getting me back. 

I didnt blink when I opened the door for her to leave.

I didnt blink when I walked back to my desk.

And I knew it was going to happen…I knew i would question everything that happened (again) when I sat back at my desk.

Enough now.

No more…. never again. History will never repeat itself. Not now. Not ever.