Terrible Twos

A Background on my greatest Accomplishments:

My Kids are 20 months apart. Now I know it seems ridiculous when I say this in months, I could just say 2 years and get it over and done with. But I say 20 Months because those extra 4 months (or lack thereof) to make up the 2 years, makes a WHOLE lot of difference in Baby world.

Continue reading Terrible Twos

What a girl wants

 

I never really thought about the moment I said yes to getting married. For anyone who asked my story, I told them that I didn’t have a choice. But that is not the truth. I could have very well said no. Gone through the whole drama with my parents, come home, finished my degree, most likely would have got a job my parents would have forced me into and stayed in it till I made some money and then first chance, I would have left home and been on my own. At least thats what I wish would have happened. Maybe reality or that path not taken, was much worse than the one I am on. I guess I’d never know. I would have most likely, fended them off until I finally succumbed to them. I think the reason I said yes is because I knew, if I didn’t now, then I would eventually. So Why Fight? I think I just gave in. It was either go in circles with the same abusive life or leave by any means possible and hope for a better future.

So this future…why am I not happy with it? It did save me from the circle after all. This future, did save me from everything that was holding me back. Well If I write what I think, then it will be proof that I realised very soon after my wedding that I had made a mistake. That I had backed myself into a corner. Nevertheless It has been awhile now and I should have moved on from that right? I guess I tried…but my trust issues…well….that is another thing altogether.

All people see when they see my life is a husband, a job, 2 kids and a house. And they tell me, “look at you, you’ve accomplished so much without even trying. I know your parents didn’t do it right, but now you’ve got it all, without even trying”. What they wouldn’t dare ask me is “what do you love about your husband?” because all people want to see is the happy ending. They want that for themselves so they see only that. They don’t want to see the bad relationship I have with my parents, or the carefully strategic plans we have made to act like husband and wife. Just concentrate on the kids and be good parents, no one will notice the rest. and they haven’t. we’ve faked it pretty good.

What do I want? I want someone… anyone to just tell me its okay to be just me. Not tell me to shut up when I talk because I’m too loud. I want someone to say Thank you because I wake up in the morning, get the breakfast ready and get the kids ready and take them to school and then do it all over again in the afternoon after work. I want someone to do the dishes and cook dinner and not because they have to, I’d already done everything else and they don’t want to feel guilty. I want someone who will put the kids to sleep with me and then ask me how my day was and actually care that the people at work annoy the crap out of me and not whinge that I do this at every job I go to. I want someone who will hug me when we are sitting under the stars at a camp not tell me, they’ll do it in a minute after a smoke or when they do finally come sit down, complain that they cant sit on the ground. I want to be loved. thats it. that is all I have ever wanted. With my parents, with my husband,. Just love me. For me. And try to stop changing me into someone else. I am loud, I am weird, I am a control freak, I wear bright colours, I listen to music for the lyrics and I freakin’ love Michael Jackson! I am a through and through 90s gal and I love to read books for hours on end. I love watching  scifi and CSI and anything to do with serial killers type of TV shows and I Love comics. I Love to bake and try new recipes and I just want…I just want someone to love me for me.

But that will never happen though. I’ll get over it, I will. Next week will be better than today. Waves. I just have to ride this one out.

Lonely

 This is the first Christmas without my parents. There is nothing to miss really. Our tradition was always to go to church – just because and then come home and eat an Indian feast – just because.  We never really had a tree or opened presents…. never believed in Santa…. we got new clothes that my mum would dress us in when she thought it appropriate. 

Like I said. .. nothing to miss… Yet … there is this emptiness. .. this numbness inside of me that I can’t seem to shake.

I was never really close to my dad.  I never really let older men touch me because I never really trusted them. So hugs from my dad was never really welcome.  My mum’s hugs were rare but whenever she did hug me she would do this thing with her nails ( she had beautiful long nails back then) by running them through my hair… that feeling. I miss that.  I’ve missed it even when I was talking to her,  because after a while,  even when she hugged me,  i knew it wasn’t genuine.  She did it because I forced her to. When I look back on all my relationships, I can see it now.  I can see now when they all stopped loving me.  My first crush,  my first love, my first boyfriend. …The only reason the breakdown of my relationship with my parents hurts the most is because I realise now that they never really loved me.  There was no one time that I can think back on when they stopped because they never really started. 

The reason my relationship with my husband hurts is because I can see the same thing happening in him.  Whatever he thinks is love,  it’s not.  It’s just what people do to keep up appearances. If he’s fooled himself into thinking that’s love.. well… I’ll just have to go with it.

Happy Birthday Jesus.  Here’s to getting away from bad relationships and entering into another one. I hope you have fun watching my drama unfold.  Because that’s what I am to you right?  Entertainment?