Lonely

 This is the first Christmas without my parents. There is nothing to miss really. Our tradition was always to go to church – just because and then come home and eat an Indian feast – just because.  We never really had a tree or opened presents…. never believed in Santa…. we got new clothes that my mum would dress us in when she thought it appropriate. 

Like I said. .. nothing to miss… Yet … there is this emptiness. .. this numbness inside of me that I can’t seem to shake.

I was never really close to my dad.  I never really let older men touch me because I never really trusted them. So hugs from my dad was never really welcome.  My mum’s hugs were rare but whenever she did hug me she would do this thing with her nails ( she had beautiful long nails back then) by running them through my hair… that feeling. I miss that.  I’ve missed it even when I was talking to her,  because after a while,  even when she hugged me,  i knew it wasn’t genuine.  She did it because I forced her to. When I look back on all my relationships, I can see it now.  I can see now when they all stopped loving me.  My first crush,  my first love, my first boyfriend. …The only reason the breakdown of my relationship with my parents hurts the most is because I realise now that they never really loved me.  There was no one time that I can think back on when they stopped because they never really started. 

The reason my relationship with my husband hurts is because I can see the same thing happening in him.  Whatever he thinks is love,  it’s not.  It’s just what people do to keep up appearances. If he’s fooled himself into thinking that’s love.. well… I’ll just have to go with it.

Happy Birthday Jesus.  Here’s to getting away from bad relationships and entering into another one. I hope you have fun watching my drama unfold.  Because that’s what I am to you right?  Entertainment?

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