It is 2:19am Thursday the 26th of January. Very early in the morning on Australia day in other words.

Why I’m awake? cuz my son kicked me square in the face while we were in bed, so hard infact, that my earrings ripped out of my ear and fell across to the other side of the bed. Yep. I Screamed of course but no one woke up…of course . Who cares about mum really?  Also, I have bad indigestion and have been running from the kitchen (to have water) and the toilet all night. TMI? Maybe.   Meh

I am so going to regret not trying to sleep, in about 3 hours when my son wakes up and asks for “chokate bed mumma chokate bed” *aka Chocolate bread aka Nutella Toast.

I get the train to work now. The most exciting thing that has happened to me in awhile because I get my own time to read my books and go through blogs, something that I havent been able to do for almost 5 years now. Anyway, I came across this post this afternoon and I thought it brilliant. I have been going through looking for these people who have been through the same things that I have, since I started this blog, and here i found it right on my facebook feed

My mother doesnt have any Mental Illness (nothing diagnosed anyway) but everything in this article feels like, like the author saw inside my head and just wrote it down.

I wanted to message her on Facebook and tell her how much this article put me at ease to know that I am not the only one with these feelings, but I thought she might think I’m creepy? SO I am just going to rave about it in here, where Nobody (I know) would see.

I wish I could tell people in my life, how I feel. But I can never find the words. I just get angry that they dont understand…which is ridiculous because how can they without you explaining it to them?

This week was a good week. I have had lots of good weeks this month, which is rare. and I think I have figured out what my depression trigger is, so next month, when it does come along, I can, if i can, push it out of my mind or do something to keep it together for my kids. you know ?

Fingers crossed anyway


Woes of a working Mother

I have the flu. The kind that weakens you. I took 2 days off and I went back to work, I was still sick but I still went back and worked till 7pm. By the time I got home, I couldn’t keep my head up and almost collapsed on the train. If I was not a mother, I could have taken the whole week off and no one would have said a thing. But Alas, I have toddlers which automatically puts me in the “She’s not great at her job pool”. So you work hard. Harder than anyone else to at least be seen.

I’m back to work this morning and while getting my kids ready for school, they wanted lots of cuddles. Now getting a cuddle from my 2 yr old son is very rare and something I cherish. Any other day I would have asked him to hurry up and put his pants on cuz I was running late – no time for cuddles boy – but today I took the time to give him a cuddle and I even managed to get a “I love you mama” from him! (Super excited) and now I am 15 minutes late to work. Do I feel like this could have been avoided? Sure, I could have got up at 4:30am instead of the 5:00am I usually do. But 4:30 though…Am I looking forward to the long sigh and eye roll I will get from my boss when I apologise for running late? Nope not really. Do I regret cuddling him? Most definitely not. It was bloody worth it. Your eye roll does not compare to his “I love you”. 

I went back to work within 4 months of giving birth to my daughter and 3 months of giving birth to my son. None of which was easy. I would cry on the way to work and the guilt… oh the guilt! While all other mothers had time to get their kids to swimming classes by the time they turned 1. My kids, 4 and 2, are yet to learn that skill. My kids childcare workers know more about them, than I do. It’s not right. But then again, I can’t afford to stay at home. I have a mortage and bills to pay. So here I am. All I can do is rant…while life just keeps rolling. So I wish every morning when I wake up that my kids dont hate me for working and they turn out alright and hope one day they would understand why I did the things I did. 

Beginning of the end

I knew the minute I fell in love that once it ended I would never love again. I knew it would end too… no matter how much I tried to push that thought away, I knew it would.

My husband unfortunately, wrong place, wrong time got caught in my disaster of a life. I don’t even know if his life was better before he met me. I don’t know much about his life. We’ve been married 9 years.

Our anniversary was on the 7th. When he didn’t get what he wanted, he started being generally grumpy… swearing under his breath, the usual deal. I get that I ask too much, but it doesn’t help that you don’t ask me if I am okay at all. Maybe the reason I ask too much is because I don’t get asked anything at all. 
About 2 years ago, I told him that I cannot give him what he wanted. I cannot love. It is not within my ability to love. My kids, thats different that comes from a place I don’t fully understand or ever felt before but friendships and relationships… I’m not good at. I am a horrible friend and an even worse wife. I told him this. But he refused to leave. 

So here we are… and he tells me he will make sure we don’t get to 10. I know he wants to do it but he is also lazy. He needs someone to do the paperwork etc for him so he won’t do it. He’ll tell me later on that he didn’t do it because of the kids. 

I’m sad because this is happening but I will also be sad if it doesn’t happen. Either way, no one is winning this because none of us should have been here to begin with.

Sometimes it’s quite difficult to see the point of anything because your life has been a whole series of “no points”. What was the point of giving me such parents? What was the point of making me go through a molestation? What was the point of making me go through the pain and guilt and abuse of having someone with a drug problem in the family? What was the point of forced marriage?

God doesn’t exist. If He did… I would have seen the point already.