A Look Back

I’ve been thinking about my parents lately. It’s officially been a year since I walked away from my entire family and I guess I am just re-analysing everything. 

Did I make the right decision to walk away?

I am still standing on a big YES when it comes to my mum and dad. I even thought about what I would do if I heard news of one of them passing away. I guess I would be sad but not because they are gone but because they never understood me and what I wanted from them before they passed. I have even wondered if they would go to heaven or hell (if one believes in such things of course) and as much as I cannot judge (For all I know I could be going to hell for kicking my 65 yr old dad and punching him on his head) I hope they realise the full potential of the Bible before they pass, and not just pick and choose what fits them. On the opposite spectrum, I have even wished they would pass quickly so I don’t have to keep wondering if they would ever come back and say they are sorry. It’s all a bit bittersweet for me still. 

My sister, on the other hand, I am wondering if things have settled enough to go back and reconnect with her. A part of me is scared that she is still going to ask me to “get over it” as she so nicely put it the last time we spoke. Yet a part of me also realises that I never really gave her a chance. The biggest reason I stopped all connection with her is because she was a direct link to my parents, which means all my “updates” will go to my parents and I didnt want them to have the satisfaction of knowing I am alright. 

I wonder if I explain to her the reason why she might understand but I am still scared that she might not. And honestly I am not sure if I am willing to put myself through the pain of realising that I am truly alone in this world. 

I guess it’s just a conversation I need to have with my husband because he is just as much a part of this drama whether I want it or not. 

I’ve also taught about what I will tell my kids. My daughter is already asking the question of who my mum and dad are. She’s already forgotten my dad and thinks I never had a dad. I don’t think she’ll ever forget my mum but for now she thinks she doesn’t see her anymore because “Grandma doesn’t like us”. I’ve prepared conversations in my head of what I’ll tell my kids when they are older and leave it upto them whether they want to talk to them or not. It’s all I can do. 

All in all though,  this  peace that I feel right now of making my own decisions or even something as simple as cleaning my own bathroom whenever I wanted and not having this voice in my head constantly telling me what a horrible person I am for not cleaning my house is nice. Its made me rely on myself more and grow more confident. 

Disney

This is me relating to a Disney Song
#thankyoukids

**When I started uni after my parents locked me in the house for 5 weeks**

The window is open!
So’s that door!
I didn’t know they did that anymore!
Who knew we owned eight thousand salad plates?

For years I’ve roamed these empty halls
Why have a ballroom with no balls?
Finally they’re opening up the gates!

There’ll be actual real live people
It’ll be totally strange
But wow! Am I so ready for this change

‘Cause for the first time in forever
There’ll be music, there’ll be light!
For the first time in forever
I’ll be dancing through the night
Don’t know if I’m elated or gassy
But I’m somewhere in that zone!
‘Cause for the first time in forever
I won’t be alone

I can’t wait to meet everyone!
What if I meet. The one?

Tonight, imagine me gown and all
Fetchingly draped against the wall
The picture of sophisticated grace
Ooh!

**When I met my ex**

I suddenly see him standing there
A beautiful stranger, tall and fair
I wanna stuff some chocolate in my face!

But then we laugh and talk all evening
Which is totally bizarre
Nothing like the life I’ve lead so far!

For the first time in forever
There’ll be magic, there’ll be fun!
For the first time in forever
I could be noticed by someone
And I know it is totally crazy
To dream I’d find romance
But for the first time in forever
At least I’ve got a chance!

**When I was walking down the aisle to marry a stranger**

Don’t let them in
Don’t let them see
Be the good girl
You always have to be
Conceal
Don’t feel
Put on a show
Make one wrong move
And everyone will know

But it’s only for today

It’s only for today!

It’s agony to wait

It’s agony to wait!

Tell the guards to open up the gate!

The gate!
For the first time in forever

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see

I’m getting what I’m dreaming of!

Be the good girl you always have to be

A chance to change my lonely world

Conceal

A chance to find true love!

Conceal, don’t feel
Don’t let them know

I know it all ends tomorrow
So it has to be today!
‘Cause for the first time in forever
For the first time in forever
Nothing’s in my way!

#frozen #thankyoudisney

Three posts in a day… Yes yes I know!

A middle class working Mother’s wish.

I made a Mummy friend.

We don’t know many people with kids. Infact we only know one family and they live quite far away so it’s only the birthdays and special occasions we meet up and they are close friends but the distance makes catching up a bit hard to do. 

My daughter went to her “first” birthday for a kid at her childcare. It was rather exciting for me because I never thought I’d get to be one of those you know, drop off the kids, chat to the moms around the playground kind of mum. I am a through and through working mum. I wake up the kids, kiss them goodbye and head out the door at 6am and I come home 630 – 7pm spend 30 -60 minutes with them giving them a bath and putting them to bed. A Working mother. I have never seen my daughter interact with other kids. I only know how to say her friends and teachers names through her baby accent. So being invited and having a chance to interact with other moms and see how my daughter fairs with other kids was exciting. Turns out I was the only mom who worked all day, everyday. Of course, I think I knew that. I thought when the other moms started talking together and complaining about their lives I would feel jealous/ roll my eyes but it was nice. It was a general “I am here for my kid rather be home folding the laundry” kind of attitude (lol).

Anyway, I started small talk with this young mom and she was just as shy as I was and the conversation didn’t lead anywhere so I just sat, looking around. My daughter had completely disappeared into a pool of giggling kids and I ended up in this room with colouring activities and my daughters left over burger. I see these two mums come in and start chatting and I kind of joined in on the conversation and turns out one of the moms, who also happens to be my daughters “best friends” (do 4 year olds know what best friend is?) mom, lived right behind my house! What are the chances! And the one thing that has never happened to me before happened – she asked for my number. 

It wasn’t a, you know, ugh I Have to get your number now type of thing. It was a genuine, I want to get to know you better, lets be friends! type of thing. And when I got home after the party, I had a message from her! So exciting. I got my kids dressed convinced my husband to smile and off we went for a 2 second walk behind my house to meet them for dinner. As I was walking, I realised that I was doing something that I never thought I would do. Something normal. There were no dramas. I made this friend on my own. I wasnt forced to make this friend or do it because my parents know them somehow. This is me interacting with humans ON MY OWN… and without drama. Not because I want someone in my life to love me but because its normal. This is what normal people do, they go to parties and make friends and go to dinner parties, talk about their kids and their life and work over a couple of bottles of wine and good food while the kids run up and down the house playing. This was a moment in my life that was going to go down in history. 

I have since gone over twice, and now she is my walking buddy in the morning. No agenda, no drama. Just what normal people do. 

I never thought I’d get here you know. And even though there is still a voice in the back of my head that’s saying “it’s not going to last long” and “don’t screw it up”. I am going to try hard to keep this. I want my kids to grow up normal. No pedaphiles, no rapist, no jail and drug drama. All they are going to see is neighbours who are kind. Family who is middle class. That’s it. That’s all I want. 

A boring life.

What makes a Christian

*****I know there are extremeists in every religion but this post is going to focus on the opposite of extreme.******

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/St._Matthias'_Church,_Vepery
I used to go here when I was a baby. My very first church

Every religion has a thing. Buddhists are known to be peaceful. Hindus- mythical stories like the greeks. Muslims- never wavering beliefs and the strength to keep at it. Christians on the other hand, in the century I have been living in at least, have always been the quiet ones. They all seem to be in their own little happy world. Like a clique that you can get into but you always seem to be the one who is missing the point of every conversation. You don’t hear on the news that a Christian was killed so the pastors of the world had something to say about it. You know? Everyone cares if its a catholic or hindu priest or a buddhist monk or a muslim imam but no one cares if its a christian pastor. You have the odd idiot quoting the Bible to get into politics. But I am not talking about that, I am talking about what happens when you hear a missionary was killed or a nun was raped (just look into Indian News….it’s all there)

I have seen and know too much to not leave Christianity altogether. But then I have also seen too much to stay with it completely.

I go to church every week now with the family. We even went over for dinner to the pastors house once. 

I want to know what these people have that make them so happy and smiley and full of positivity. What do they do when they know that there is no one in this world that loves them? Perhaps I am missing something and I have in the last 30 years of being a “christian” and I just need to find out what it is.

They always seem to be smiling and sure that God will give them what they need and content with what they have now. How can you be like that? What do they know that we are missing? Some kind of secret karma place in their minds that we haven’t seem to have tapped into? A happy gas perhaps? Is it just plain ignorance maybe? What is it?

I NEED TO KNOW!!!!

Just one reason why

Soon after I left my parents, I was in this…mood. I didn’t really talk to anyone at work. Everytime I saw someone I know walk past, I would do my best to ignore them. I would literally think “Ugh” when I saw someone. It got to a point where it affected my job. This lady in particular at work was annoying the shit out of me with her fake attitude.
You know when you dislike someone, you start seeing only their annoying traits? I did that. So much so that I went to my boss’ office and told her that xx was being a little bleep (not in so many colourful words of course) and my boss – kid you not – says “thats cuz your being a little bleep (not that colourful)”. I was taken aback. How dare you put this on me! Don’t you know what I have been through!!!!! And she says, yes but not in detail. It sucks but everyone elses life sucks as well. Maybe less than yours, maybe just as bad, maybe even worse (to which i scoffed) but sucks none the same. Doesn’t mean you have to make everyone else feel the same pain. You walk with a black cloud around you, she said. It shows in your emails, in your phone mannerisms, your lack of care is showing. If you don’t care about this or at least try… she said you are eventually not going to care about anyone. 

3 hours I was in her office. 3 hours

Often when life gets us down we think and rethink about our problem so much that we forget about other things…. other people. 

A smile goes a long way

It’s hard to smile when your parents hate you and you are as poor as poor can get but a smile goes a long way. You’d never know… maybe the answer to your problems is in the person you’ve just smiled at, or had that small talk with at the bus stop or even just the smile. 

You simply just fake it till you make it. 

I know 13 reasons why has been a huge topic these days (as it should be!). I haven’t watched all of it but *SPOILERS AHEAD* I read up on it. 
If Jason and Alex had thought about the girl for a change instead of them just wanting to fit in/ depressed about rejection Hannah would not have been in the firing line. 

Every Character in there were so engrossed in their own problems that they didnt even think about others. Perhaps if Jason had thought about Hannah he would have been with her and therein lies his answer of needing someone to love as he never got it at home. See where I am going with this?

There is just one common reason in all the 13 and it could have been easily avoided.

One in a million

I have never really fit in anywhere. I have always had this sense that the only reason I was in “groups” in school was because people thought they would be at an advantage if they were friends with the teachers daughter (primary) and just felt sorry for me (high school). The mates I had in university were all my boyfriends mates. I never really had anyone of my own. The one girl that was my mate stopped talking to me and never told me why. I assumed it was because of me. I was just being me. No one really likes me.

This theory of mine was only proved more accurate when in my first job, I was bullied by every single co worker of mine (all 6 of them) to the point where I would get panic attacks everyday and would have to run to the clinic downstairs to get a brown paper bag to breathe into. 

Truth or not, since then, I could never brush off this feeling that people could never handle too much of me. 24/ 7. 365 days a year of me was just too much for them. 

Didn’t help that my parents never really cared about me either. Or my sister told me to “get over it”. 

I told my ex-fiancee once that if I didnt marry him, I will not marry anyone else unless I was forced into it. For a very long time I thought it was because of how much I loved him, but as I write this now, I realise it’s  because I knew that no one would ever put me up for that long. He was hard enough to pin down. I would never be able to do that again. 
Needless to say, I kept that promise because this guy saw a picture of me, read the notes my parents wrote about me and liked it. Now we’re married.

There is always this thing in the back of my head no matter how much I ignore it. Every little thing that people say and do only solidifies the fact that they just put up with me. I always sense it. Always. Even when I am having a conversation with someone,  I can tell even with the blink of their eyes that, that would be the last conversation I will have with them. And most of the time I am right. 

This morning my husband was looking for scissors to cut up some sausages. The knife and fork right in front of him he didn’t want to use. He wanted scissors. He had already ruined 2 scissors like this and he reached out for the only clean one in the house. So I said no. He says 

“I can’t wait!”

“Wait for what?”

“Wait for the day you’ll change”

He didn’t say for the better, he didnt say normal. But I know what he meant. 

I understand that this is just one of those things that husband and wives bicker about and exchange words. He probably didn’t mean it maybe. But it hurts. 

I’ve done it

It is quite obvious to me now that I have only ever wanted one thing in my life – leave it. I never realised that this is what I wanted, denial is an incredible thing. I am 30 years old now and you could even say I have been in denial/ not realising for more than 2 decades.

It explains the depression, the need to do something but not knowing what it is, the suicide attempt, the constant questioning of everything I ever did because I never really knew myself, the fact that I never really knew myself…. just everything. I went through all of this because I was stuck in place that just wasn’t right for me. Nothing I did could fix it because no one can change the environment they live in. The only thing they can do is leave it.

My favourite song growing up was the old Ugly duckling song from Timless tales.

I mean at the age of 9 I was obsessed with it and cried everytime I heard that song. I never got into any of the princesses. Just that duckling. A few years later Anastasia came out. I read up on her before i watched the movie – family betrayed and killed and she makes it out on her own. I used to think WOW what a badass! I was incredible annoyed when I watched the movie because it was just so princessy. My mate growing up was the little papaya tree in the garden that mum said would die soon… so I would go and talk to it everyday after school. How obvious can it get that I was trying to flee from my family? That I was attracted to the things that had no one and weren’t loved?

There are moments though, my mum laughing when I told her I wanted to just please her but I get so tired, her hugging me and telling me all she wanted was for me to get good grades. Sleeping on her lap some afternoons, her running her fingers through my hair. My dad teaching me to tie my shoe laces and feeding my sister and I breakfast… it was all little moments in my life where I thought to myself “see its not so bad. This is all you need”

It didnt take much for those hugs and those cuddles to stop. I can’t remember my sister and my dad in most of my memories. But then I found faith through my grandma. She would tell me stories from the Bible and teach me songs and once again I had family. Someone to rely on… so denial… once again. “Im fine, this is all I need”. Even in the Bible… Joseph is my favorite character. The one with the 11 brothers. Betrayed and sold as a slave, he becomes a pharoah and saves his family. Ha!

The signs were all there.

But it took 2 decades of this constant back and forth and FINALLY for me to see my parents watching TV while my 1 year old son bleeding on the floor for me to realise “I am not supposed to be here. I need to get out”

I had to get out.

I stand here at the bus stop now. It is 6.10am, Tuesday the 11th of April 2017. A year after I finally did it. It is freezing cold morning here in Sydney. I have just said goodbye to my kids and walked out of the house my husband and I built. And this is my view

For anyone who is reading. This is a house in a construction zone. Just another house. I mean there is rubbish everywhere and bricks still strewn about in the front lawn.

To me, this was my ticket out. Away from a horrible life that was suffocating me since before I can remember. This is hope, that leaving a life doesnt have to mean killing myself but just simply walking away. This is my blood. My sweat. My tears. 30 years in the making. Its not much but its all I have and it’s more of a start than I had hoped for. If I believed in God I would thank him for bringing me finally to this state of mind. Where I know why things happened the way they did.

For those of you who have been following my blog. This is it. I cannot explain anything that happened to me before my marriage but I know now I wasn’t forced to marry. I needed to marry him. I needed to see my in laws working together to know what a family is supposed to be like.  My kids were not accidents. I needed my daughter to be my pillar of stronghold at a time of utter betrayal. I needed my son to be my positivity at a time when all I could see was death and destruction.

I do not believe in God because I don’t understand why I had to have such parents to begin with. But I believe now If he is true, he might have actually paved a way for me to get out of it long before I even realised.

These Relationships 

28-02-2017

So my mum showed up at home yesterday. She came bearing gifts – bags – for my daughter. My Husband opened the door first, unfortunately the kids were with him.  I heard my him yell out my name “PROBLEM!” before I heard her voice “please,  please just listen to me” “No leave my house” he was saying while closing the door and I was running over to get the kids. I rushed them off with my husband inside the house.  It was a little bit chaotic and my son fell and started crying.  My husband carried him off and I saw my daughter was already at the end of the hallway. She didn’t look back. I heard my husband asking me not to yell just as I opened the door.

There she was. The same clothes she was wearing last time she came to see me “God doesnt she have anything else? Probably trying to play on the fact that she is heart broken. Look I’m so heart broken I haven’t even paid attention to my clothes” “Please leave or I’ll call the police” “Just take these” she says while trying to shove them through the small gap in the door. “Leave or I will call the police” Her hands began to shake and her face fell. For a second, just a second, I felt bad. I felt like the worst human being in the world. But then I saw it… her whole arm was shaking. You know like when you want to make sure people know you’re upset, you give your hands that extra little bit of a shake. I looked up to see her face and I saw the anger behind those eyes that are trying terribly hard to look sad. And my brain said “close the door” as my hands were pushing the door shut. I ran to my daughter to see if she was okay even though every part of my being just wanted to crawl into a corner. My son was playing already in the lounge room, he had no idea. My daughter looked like she had just seen a ghost. “I don’t want to leave this house mama” My husband assures her that we won’t be leaving as this is our house. “There are monsters” “No honey, Monsters can’t come inside this house, come on lets go have a bath” my husband tried to reassure her and distract her. She protested at first but when I agreed to come in with her she agreed reluctantly. That was the quietest and the quickest bath my kids have ever had. I took her to her room and started working on some writing exercises hoping to distract her, but I knew I had to acknowledge it. 

“How do you feel baby?” 

– silence – 

“happy, scared, angry or sad?” 

“Scared” 

“you dont need to be. Nothing bad can come into this house because mama wont let them in…why are you scared?”

“The fights”

“I know! Thats why we had to leave because grandma was not being nice to mama and dada and you and your brother too. Don’t you think we are happier now since we left?”

– silence-

“How do you feel now?”

“Sad”

“Why baby?”

-silence-

“I miss grandma too you know”

“Me too mama”

“But Grandma wasn’t nice to mama. Do you understand? ”

“Yes mama”

“Do you have any questions?”

“No”

“Ill always be here for you no matter what”

—-

Maybe I could have given my mum a chance. Maybe she came to apologise but I know deep down that these thoughts are coming from the child in me, still waiting for that fantasy to come true. The reality was the fake arm shake, the anger in those eyes, that all too familiar you moron look she gave me, the fact that my dad was not with her, the fact that she started saying please please quite loudly to my husband before he said anything. The fact is – she did not show up like this for my sons bday or my husbands. The fact is, my parents still think that gifts would bring me back to them. That charity money is what I need. Reality is, she went overseas, had the time of her life, bought all these gifts because she thought I’d come back to her without her having to do anything, maybe even got gifts from people that have no idea and just wanted me to have it. So it won’t go to waste. There was no love there. Just money and not wanting to waste it. And as bad as I feel now for closing the door on my mothers face for the second time, I know I made the right choice for my kids. They deserve a better role model.

————-

06-04-2017

I saw the whatsapp message first. 


The email was next and then the letter this morning.

I will leave this here and let you judge what type of person my dad is. 

———

The Cultural Difference

I am a Not quite Australian Born confused Desi.

Which basically means I was born in India but grew up in Australia so I fall into the “neither here nor there” category. There are a few of us, trust me. We don’t fit in anywhere in India because we were babies when we were there and we don’t fit in anywhere in Australia because well…. you’re “black”…OMG how do you speak english so well? 😒

I watch Bollywood movies and Hollywood Movies. I enjoy both…no not enjoy… i APPRECIATE both. I also APPRECIATE both cultures. It is however true that, in some instances, one culture in me stands out the most. For example, I don’t quite understand the Aussie dream. Not sure what it is either… go to the beach and eat a pie? Not sure? Have a beach house maybe?

 Anyway… the Indian in me screams “OH no… that’s  just lazy! How about education and a good job????” 

But it also goes the other way around… when I got married I wasn’t quite sure why I couldn’t speak to some respected family members the way I usually do. My husband’s grandfather is a very respected man in South India. He is a bad ass real estate agent (you only need to delve into the politics in India to know what this means). Everytime he walked in and out of a room people stood up and said hi to him the respectful way (put your hands together in the praying position or fall at his feet..no…really). Male… female.. babies who couldn’t walk…seriously it was insane. And then along came little ole’ me. I walk into the house to meet him for the first time and he is standing there in his traditional clothes (always wears it)

And I said “Hi”… everyone giggles like the way you giggle at a baby for doing something wrong but it’s cute. I look around at my mother in law and she asks me to fall at his feet. I said out loud “Seriously?” and she nods… so I do this awkward fall feet thing and everyone is in a silent laughter fit (even the kids!)

I was more confused than embarrassed because I had no idea why I had to do that. When I got up, he smiles at me and says “We won’t do that again. How about we just let you be you?” 

It took a few more months of me living with my mother in law for me to realise why people in India did the things they did and it made sense… most of it has a scientific reasoning behind it… some of it just a matter of respect. None the less I came out of that experience thinking I knew who I was and where I fit. 

9 years later….

I was rewatching Kal Ho Na Ho. For those of you who don’t know what this is… please do Google it. There are some really fantastic videos out there that I cannot access due to copyright issues.

It is a story about a boy who is about to die meets a girl and they fall in love but her best friend is also in love with her. When she comes to tell the boy that they should go out…he says no and instead sets her up with the best friend and they live happily ever after. Except for the boy….he dies.

I asked an aussie mate of mine what she would do if she was the one that was dying and had to make a choice. Would she set her love up with someone else or be selfish? And she said to me “I would make the person I like make the choice” 

This blew my mind. 

In all my years of watching and rewatching this movie I never EVER thought about this choice. What about the girl and what she wants? The Indian in me came out and just said well he did whats best for her. He gave up his love so she would be happy isn’t that sweet? But how could I think this when I have been in kind of the same situation?? I have been forced into a marriage because people thought that was what was best for me. They never made me make a choice and here I am thinking it is okay for another (fictional) girl!!!!! I am quite shocked at myself. 

I won’t deny that there is a difference in the way women are treated in India. You walk behind a girl not hand in hand, because you can keep an eye and make sure no one touches her inappropriately while you’re walking down the street. It’s just something you do. Not taught, it’s just natural now. This is not necessarily a dominance thing for the male population as some would make you believe. It’s just as hard for them because they have this duty to forever be the “manly” one. Until recently men were not allowed in the labour ward. Can you imagine that? Not being able to watch your baby being born? 
Maybe it’s just a matter of which characters percpective you watch the movie from and not really a cultural thing. (We can argue that one’s percpective is influenced by their culture).

Whatever it is percpective or cultural difference… the fact that I never thought about the girl just threw me off. 

I am 30 years old but I am still learning so much about myself. Growing up I thought I’d know it all by 30. Now I know the people who taught me when I was younger had no idea what they were doing either.