Happiness is not a feeling
It’s an ability
– Dan in Real Life
When your Best friend has moved away
But even if she was here, she wouldnt have been able to help
When your mother is just non-existent and so is dad
When your siblings keep a distance
And your partner too
You can’t help but think “what did I do?”
I have realised that I could fill a small room full of people who will love me and miss me if I am gone. Yet, none of those people really know me.
There are ones that see me as an adviser, and others that see me as clown, there are ones that see me as stubborn and others, blunt. I am always just one part of a whole to all of these people.
I guess this is why people need families. Because they know you as a whole and accept you none the less. But, No such luck for me.
I am extremely and utterly lonely and these thoughts of wanting to run away or just not be here anymore have come back and is starting to sound good again.
I keep thinking back to this one day where i’d just had enough of life. My parents had locked me in the house for a month already and I pushed all my friends away because I knew no one would understand a family going through drug issues. I walked around the house one day when my parents had gone shopping and picked up whatever pill I could find. My parents blood pressure pills, various codine and ibuprofens and paracetamols and anti bacterials and glaucoma meds. Anything I could find. Roughly about 15 to 20 of them. I waited till everyone went to sleep and I laid them out on the table. At first, I swallowed them 2 by 2 and it was almost therapeutic… but then as the pile got smaller I started panicking. I didn’t stop though and kept going. I finished it all. I fell asleep almost straight away and my last thought was a little prayer for me to wake up again. “Sorry I did this God” I thought.
I woke up the next day, almost in the afternoon. I had an unbelievable stomach ache for the next week that I silently endured. But I was both relieved and miserable that I was awake.
I had not tried to kill myself since.
For the sake of my kids, I probably won’t ever again. So I keep thinking… this is it. This is me until I die. Lonely, no one to share a thing with. Just a working mum who could never be happy her entire life.
I am so wasted here.