Whatever

Mentally it has been a good few months, my anger levels have been good and I haven’t been in a deep dark hole like I usually am. But the last week has been particularly hard. 
Like I am being forced to jump into a well but I am clamoring on the side of the wall so I don’t go in. 

I have been watching Iron fist as well so it’s not helping an “orphan” like me. 

 C: ….afterwards my dad sent me to live with my grandfather in Japan but I always felt like…

D: Abandoned? No matter how much anyone else cares for you. It’s not the same.

Anyway, If I wallow I will fall in so I am going to list the good that has happened so far:
1. Since I have been okay mentally, my relationship with my husband has been good. (Not yesterday, yesterday i hit him on the side of the head with a popcorn box because he asked me if I was pmsing….ok back to the good stuff. ..)

2. My daughter got into a school for next year

3. Work has been..mundane. I have a boss who is always on my side no matter how many bitches…i mean… no matter how hard it gets, so that’s good.

4. My best mate had a baby girl! Yay!

5. My husband got a better job. Higher position and pay! Starts in 2 weeks

6. Our landscaping is coming together… very slowly but it’s happening.

Honestly everything else is good. Its just the stress of money. That’s it. I haven’t been eating well as well so that doesn’t help. I just need to keep my head in the game. Work towards my goal of being a stay at home or part time worker mum and I’ll be happy. (Lol usually people have career goals and I have a get out of work goal! Ha! How times have changed indeed. Is this what a 30 year old mum of two does???)

I’ll be okay. Just need to get through today.

Don’t fret that you can’t get yourself speak to your 2 year old son because all that comes out is cry and sighs. Get something else done and come back to him. This is just one day out of how many ever long you have with him. He won’t hate you. Just keep going.  Kisses are technically talking as well. 

Thanks

They are going to shut our water if we dont pay 300 in 24 hours.

My husband has not had his epilepsy medication in 3 months

My sons asthma is getting worse as the weather changes and the medication has run out

We owe the council 1500 dollars, if not paid we officially go into debt with the government 

We owe childcare 2100 dollars or my kids cant go to school anymore

All of this is due in the next day or week. 

We have exactly 50 dollars in our account

Wont get paid till the 10th.

Despite all this. I would rather this than the life i had with my parents in it.

I have never been more grateful 

Below Average

When you are poor:

You are stressed so you want to surround yourself with your mates who will make you feel better but you cant go out (no money) and you cant bring them over either because you dont have food in your house.

You dont have food in your house and you find methods to not feel that hunger in your gut or that smell in your mouth. Free biscuits and tea at work. Refill. But its not enough and your body is still starved to a certain degree so you are constantly tired and yawning. You manage to skip breakfast and blame it on lack of time, you manage to put off lunch till 2pm and you use the excuse that its busy at work… and you eat the boiled potato that you have now had for 2 weeks… by the time you go home at 6 you are starved. When you feed your kids, it take every ounce of you to stop yourself from just “tasting” their food and you hope they dont eat all of it. You dont fight them when they dont finish their plate and hastily eat over the sink, licking every morsel clean.

Repeat

You can have a house, a husbad, kids and a job and still be poor.

Welcome to Australia. It costs half our salaries to feed our families and 4 weeks worth of pay for babysitters. Its either babies or a house.

You choose.

This Mama is happy today

My daughter’s 4th birthday is coming up and we had a party for her today. My husbands cooking was probably the star of the show but By GOD I am damn proud of the cake I made. My daughter asked me 2 weeks ago to make a heart shaped pink cake with rainbows on it. I couldn’t quite get the rainbow topper, but I thought I’d put a surprise in there for her.

My daughters face when she cut the cake and the M&Ms fell out was just priceless. I know I made a memory for her that she will forever cherish and I can sleep well tonight knowing that those 6 hours I spent trying to bake and decorate this cake was completely worth it. Its not going to win baking competitions but it won my daughters heart and that is what I wanted. I even got 2 hugs and multiple kisses and Thank yous for it!

I am so damn proud of my kids. I know every parents says this and it sounds cliche but I really am. They have turned out to be better than what I wished for…and I have pretty high standards. I am so proud of my daughter especially because she is so strong. She’s a drama queen when it comes to kid things, I’ll give her that. She was a relentless picky eater until a few months ago and she always wants things NOW. “I Want it NOW Mama!” “Its taking for a long time Mama!” but shes got this side to her that I have only seen in grown woman, like the way she carries herself when she knows I am upset or if her dad is upset. Her hugs come straight from the heart and she puts her whole being into it, I cant even explain. Like a hug from your grandma, thats the only thing I can compare it to.  The way she deals with other kids in the playground when they are being mean to her or her brother. Its amazing. I am so proud.

My son wears his heart on his sleeve  I worry a lot about him because he gives his heart and when he doesn’t get it back he absolutely crushes and turns into more of an introvert than he already is . But he never lets go, He’ll try again with them, no matter how badly they hurt him. It takes some kind of strength to do that. I know he didn’t get that from me! He will do anything to make people laugh and He is just Gorgeous! My little 2 year old that came to me just to make me laugh everyday. I am so very proud!

I absolutely Love my Babies!

I normally dont like putting personal pictures up on this website. But I want to share this moment, because this was the best moment of the day for us.

 

I am not my mother.

Money Money Mooooney

There is this memory that came to me this morning from when I was about 2 or 3 years old – summer 1988 or 89?, Chennai, India. My dad woke me up from my sleep early one morning and asked me to get ready quickly so we can go downstairs to see his surprise for us. I vaguely remember my (much older) sister (maybe my mum) saying “Oh! It’s a car!” I remember running upto the window of our small apartment bedroom and looking outside and seeing a blue Fiat.

I remember my eyes widening and me asking my dad “Is that ours?” “Yes” “That one in the blue pa? Next to the wall?” “Yes, that one” 

Up until that moment I never realised how poor we were or how hard my parents worked or how easy life could be with money. That moment was when I realised how most of the family and friends around us had cars but we only just got one. 

But it also took me a few years, before I realised how this want for an easier life with money would change my parents and our family dynamics. So much so that my mum and dad are basically just roomates and my sister has done everything in her power to distance herself from all of us and I speak to exactly 0 people in my family.

Right now you could say, given that expenses far outweigh the income in Sydney, My husband and I are just as middle class as my parents were back then. We earn more than what my parents did, yes, but we are still just Middle class.

Lack of money puts a strain in relationships that even the little things get really irritating. 

My mate bought me a beautiful passport wallet for my birthday that would have easily cost her a hundred bucks. Two weeks later I had exactly 50 dollars to spend for her birthday which I had to use at the restaurant that her party was at. I had no money to buy her a gift. Now She is not the type of mate to point it out but you still don’t do that do you? You dont go to someone’s party with nothing. 

My daughter’s birthday is in 2 weeks. I have only 100 dollars to spend for the party and her gift. Anymore spent will mean we will need to delay one of our bills. 

It’s constant strain. But while that extra bit of ease IS tempting. Is it really worth spending extra time at work for that extra money when I could take my kids to the park? But to take my kids to the park means spending 10 bucks that they would want for ice cream that I can’t give them… then I do need that extra time at work…

It’s like a vicious cycle.

My Teenage Werewolf

I have been binge watching Teen wolf for the past few weeks. The acting is not so great (sans Stiles) but the plot, I love. 
I like the pace of it and the way they tell the story. It’s not as teenage angsty as I expected it to be. Yes, I am justifying why I watch this show. I don’t know why. Ok fine… I watch it for Dylan. There I said it!

Now what I actually came on here to say is that….There is this recurring theme that I have noticed throughout the series. They are always unable to control their inner werewolf and the only way they succeed is by calming their emotions. It is a change in attitude that they surround their inner self with in order to control the beast. 

I am also in the middle of reading Fish!. It is a great little book about keeping up the morale in order to create a better environment for people around you and in turn yourself. It talks about being present, in the moment and not allowing negativity affect the way you operate. 

I think the book and the TV show have a similar concept. While the book has taught me that attitude is everything, the TV show has shown me how to do this. The sun, the moon and the truth…alpha, beta, omega. Chants. Repeatedly reminding your brain that the moment is temporary only if you allow it. 

I am using this attitude to perhaps try and curb my anger issues. Practice makes perfect right? Now I just have to learn to pick myself up when I slip up.

I will leave you with one of my favourite quotes that resonates with me:

Stiles: [to Malia] I’m not going to run, because I don’t think you’re going to hurt me. And, I think maybe you’re so afraid of hurting me because of what you did to your family. I know what that’s like. I remember everything that I did. And, the worst part is I remember liking it. Because I felt powerful. I felt fearless. And, most of all, in control. But, when I came through it, I learned something else– Control is overrated.

Issues

​I’m jealous, I’m overzealous

When I’m down, I get real down

When I’m high, I don’t come down
I get angry, baby, believe me
I could love you just like that
And I could leave you just as fast

But you don’t judge me
‘Cause if you did, baby, I would judge you too

‘Cause I got issues
But you got ’em too
So give ’em all to me
And I’ll give mine to you
Bask in the glory
Of all our problems
‘Cause we got…

Maybe not

Hate

Do you ever think that you can’t trust your brain?

Your brain gathers random facts from the outside world and then comes to a conclusion about things… but other factors come into play as well like personality and influence. Assuming everyone’s personality is good (whatever your definition of good is)… with all this social media and such intensity of news these days – Influence is a great….well influence into your thinking. 

Your facebook news feed is altered according to the searches you make. For example, if I search for something pro-muslim (yea I’m going there) all my feed and news online is going to be about all the bad things that happened to every muslim in the world and how unfair the world is. If I’m (for lack of a better word) anti-muslim, I’m going to see everything ISIS ever did to “us”. 

The decisions you make are highly influenced by what you google and what the media says. So how do you trust your brain to make the right decision? 

While I am all for stereotyping people (I’m Indian, and I most definitely do Indian things. There are stereotypes for a reason)… do we really need to stereotype when it comes to war? 

I hate reading the news these days because it’s so cliché. If you’re crazy and muslim it’s terrorism, if you’re crazy and white – you had a bad childhood, gun spree – you know it’s a white guy with bullying issues, if its rape – its Indian, Children raped, Children killed, Mothers killing children. Just shit. I’ve just had enough. When did we get this bad? Or am I just noticing it now cuz I’m an adult?

Blabber

It is 2:19am Thursday the 26th of January. Very early in the morning on Australia day in other words.

Why I’m awake? cuz my son kicked me square in the face while we were in bed, so hard infact, that my earrings ripped out of my ear and fell across to the other side of the bed. Yep. I Screamed of course but no one woke up…of course . Who cares about mum really?  Also, I have bad indigestion and have been running from the kitchen (to have water) and the toilet all night. TMI? Maybe.   Meh

I am so going to regret not trying to sleep, in about 3 hours when my son wakes up and asks for “chokate bed mumma chokate bed” *aka Chocolate bread aka Nutella Toast.

I get the train to work now. The most exciting thing that has happened to me in awhile because I get my own time to read my books and go through blogs, something that I havent been able to do for almost 5 years now. Anyway, I came across this post this afternoon and I thought it brilliant. I have been going through looking for these people who have been through the same things that I have, since I started this blog, and here i found it right on my facebook feed

http://www.scarymommy.com/motherless-mother-mental-illness/

My mother doesnt have any Mental Illness (nothing diagnosed anyway) but everything in this article feels like, like the author saw inside my head and just wrote it down.

I wanted to message her on Facebook and tell her how much this article put me at ease to know that I am not the only one with these feelings, but I thought she might think I’m creepy? SO I am just going to rave about it in here, where Nobody (I know) would see.

I wish I could tell people in my life, how I feel. But I can never find the words. I just get angry that they dont understand…which is ridiculous because how can they without you explaining it to them?

---

This week was a good week. I have had lots of good weeks this month, which is rare. and I think I have figured out what my depression trigger is, so next month, when it does come along, I can, if i can, push it out of my mind or do something to keep it together for my kids. you know ?

Fingers crossed anyway

Woes of a working Mother

I have the flu. The kind that weakens you. I took 2 days off and I went back to work, I was still sick but I still went back and worked till 7pm. By the time I got home, I couldn’t keep my head up and almost collapsed on the train. If I was not a mother, I could have taken the whole week off and no one would have said a thing. But Alas, I have toddlers which automatically puts me in the “She’s not great at her job pool”. So you work hard. Harder than anyone else to at least be seen.

I’m back to work this morning and while getting my kids ready for school, they wanted lots of cuddles. Now getting a cuddle from my 2 yr old son is very rare and something I cherish. Any other day I would have asked him to hurry up and put his pants on cuz I was running late – no time for cuddles boy – but today I took the time to give him a cuddle and I even managed to get a “I love you mama” from him! (Super excited) and now I am 15 minutes late to work. Do I feel like this could have been avoided? Sure, I could have got up at 4:30am instead of the 5:00am I usually do. But 4:30 though…Am I looking forward to the long sigh and eye roll I will get from my boss when I apologise for running late? Nope not really. Do I regret cuddling him? Most definitely not. It was bloody worth it. Your eye roll does not compare to his “I love you”. 

I went back to work within 4 months of giving birth to my daughter and 3 months of giving birth to my son. None of which was easy. I would cry on the way to work and the guilt… oh the guilt! While all other mothers had time to get their kids to swimming classes by the time they turned 1. My kids, 4 and 2, are yet to learn that skill. My kids childcare workers know more about them, than I do. It’s not right. But then again, I can’t afford to stay at home. I have a mortage and bills to pay. So here I am. All I can do is rant…while life just keeps rolling. So I wish every morning when I wake up that my kids dont hate me for working and they turn out alright and hope one day they would understand why I did the things I did.