My Teenage Werewolf

I have been binge watching Teen wolf for the past few weeks. The acting is not so great (sans Stiles) but the plot, I love. 
I like the pace of it and the way they tell the story. It’s not as teenage angsty as I expected it to be. Yes, I am justifying why I watch this show. I don’t know why. Ok fine… I watch it for Dylan. There I said it!

Now what I actually came on here to say is that….There is this recurring theme that I have noticed throughout the series. They are always unable to control their inner werewolf and the only way they succeed is by calming their emotions. It is a change in attitude that they surround their inner self with in order to control the beast. 

I am also in the middle of reading Fish!. It is a great little book about keeping up the morale in order to create a better environment for people around you and in turn yourself. It talks about being present, in the moment and not allowing negativity affect the way you operate. 

I think the book and the TV show have a similar concept. While the book has taught me that attitude is everything, the TV show has shown me how to do this. The sun, the moon and the truth…alpha, beta, omega. Chants. Repeatedly reminding your brain that the moment is temporary only if you allow it. 

I am using this attitude to perhaps try and curb my anger issues. Practice makes perfect right? Now I just have to learn to pick myself up when I slip up.

I will leave you with one of my favourite quotes that resonates with me:

Stiles: [to Malia] I’m not going to run, because I don’t think you’re going to hurt me. And, I think maybe you’re so afraid of hurting me because of what you did to your family. I know what that’s like. I remember everything that I did. And, the worst part is I remember liking it. Because I felt powerful. I felt fearless. And, most of all, in control. But, when I came through it, I learned something else– Control is overrated.

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Easy way out

I was hoping with my MIL in the house my depression would stay at bay. It is hard enough for my husband to comprehend it, let alone a person I have barely spent any time with.

But it’s here and its not the kind you can hide. Its the kind that makes you want to curl up into bed all day. What triggered it? My breakfast for the family burnt and stuck to the pan. That’s it. 

That’s all it took. Fucking burnt breakfast. My thought process went from “not good enough to even make a simple breakfast” to “shit mother, shit wife, shit daughter, shit daughter in law, shit human being…why are you even here?”

In my moment of anxiety I didnt really realise why I was angry. But my husband asked me to relax before he left for work and thats when I realised I was stressed out and it wasn’t really me but my anxiety.

I just want this thing to go away because I know I’m better than this. I don’t want to push people away but it’s just. …… *deep breath* easier….

I get angry 

So angry in fact that if my kids don’t do something I threaten them with my anger and they immediately respond

So angry in fact that no one – family or colleagues talk to me in stressful situations

So angry in fact that I had an hour scream match with my boss followed by 2 hours of her telling me that I always have a black cloud around me while I was balling my eyes out. She told me that if I don’t get help I’ll probably lose my job.

Fair enough. I guess. Who wants to work with the grinch anyway?

The truth is, its not anger. People think its anger but its not. Its anxiety. Anxiety coming from the stress of wanting to please everyone around me which is a symptom of fear that stems from the fact that no one would love me because my own parents never cared.

I never said I wasn’t complicated 

Run away

I love my car because I can just drive anywhere I wanted and leave all my problems behind. 

I’m sitting in my car right now, outside my house because….. because inside the house I have to face my kids who have just witnessed their mother have an angry meltdown. So i sit here pretending I’m on my way somewhere where I can be alone and peaceful.

Can’t buy my love

This came for me today along with flowers and chocolates (currently in the bin)

These are the reasons why I don’t give a shit:

1. “We hope everything is okay” no it’s  not.  You sold me to a pedafile and haven’t apologised for it or at the very least acted guilty, you forced me into marriage and then you SIGHED when i got pregnant AND you tried to separate me from my husband. .. so no everything is NOT okay. 

2. “Often in our thoughts” of…. giving you money?  You running out of money?  Your older daughter not being nice to you huh?

3. “Love” hahahahahha  yea okay

4. And the biggest joke of all “Mum and Dad” Sure. 

I thought I’d be emotional if I hear from my parents again.  I thought they might still hold the power to reel me back in. It’s safe to say “HELL FUCKING NO”
EDIT: Also can I just add, this proves that they think I am not capable of making my own decisions and hence think I am currently estranged from them because of my husband.  NO GUYS I’m estranged from you because of you. 

Ok rant over 

This darkness of mine

I wake up and it’s another day of repeating the same thing I did the day before, the week before that and the one before that….

I get up and think, right.. gotta start breakfast and pack lunches. But at the back of my head, the place where I send things that I don’t want to deal with, I can hear a small, somewhat loud voice that says “No just go back to bed… they can survive a few hours without you”

I am waking up the kids and giving them hugs.  I’m singing songs and warming up the milk but my brain is saying “You think they are really going to like you?  They are going to catch on to how fake you are.They are going to hate you just like you hate your mother.  History always repeats itself”

And then I am alone with my kids,  my husband has left for the day.  And all of a sudden i feel more naked, like my kids can see right through my facade and know that I don’t really want to be here.  “I just want them to go away and i just want to be in bed…. no you can’t think that way.  They rely on you.  You have to push through this. Don’t let them see it”

I’m driving now to daycare and I’ve already lost my patience on my kids a few times while getting them ready but I’m smiling,  singing a song with them, getting them to count the cars and the buses “just distract them from you. Don’t let them see it” 

My daughter aks me a question.  I answer “oh put a happy spin on it. God i dont think that sounded convincing…. she’s gonna see right through it…. she’s quiet now.  She’s probably figured out that I’m in one of my moods… say something happy”

“You want the music on baby? ”

“Yes”

“Oh God she’s acting so I won’t be upset”

“Come on baby sing!”

“She can see right through this…. you know she can.  That’s the same face you used to make when you knew your mum wasn’t up to it….. history, always repeats”

By the time I get to work I’m exhausted. “Just keep going, you’re almost there. Once you sit at work you should be okay”

“Another day of going to work without brushing my hair.  God did I brush my teeth today?  I’ll just do it at work.  Thank God for the spare brush!  Why am I thanking God?  What did he ever do? Give you crappy parents and no one who loves you? ” 

Switching on my computer i wonder why no one ever loved me.  “Well if mum couldn’t love you…God no! No! Don’t get into this thinking!  This is how depression starts… right work. .. why does this computer take so long to start?! Finally! Emails…. ”

I am making breakfast and having little chit chats with colleagues “Just don’t say anything abnormal. Just say things that others would say” I know talking would help.  I wish I could talk to someone.  Don’t tell anyone how you are feeling.  It’s not normal to feel this way.  You cannot show people that you are breaking.  Just don’t break.  If you say it,  you’ll break.  Dont break!  

Going to pick up the kids “Alright here we go.  15 minutes of relaxing before the kids get in. I am so tired. .. but I got to keep going” 

Oh she’s asking a million questions again.  Just don’t get angry.just keep answering  them. I am just so tired.  Once the kids get home,  it should be fine.  

Right, bags in, kids in, gate closed. .. here we go. Mac and cheese…. done… milk…. ah! Husband  home. Good. Breathe. Just breathe… youre almost there.  Just don’t think about tomorrow.  If you’re lucky…. it might not come. 

Overwhelmed

I cannot put into words what I am feeling but I will try

I am Numb and act ignorant but I can still feel the depth of the whole situation right in the back of my mind. It lurks there waiting to pounce if I would give it a chance
I am angry that this is happening  but I’ve also given up hope as I very well know that things will never be better
I am happy that it is finally coming to an end but sad that it is all just stopping with no positive result
Most of all… I am embarrased that this is happening. The whole world knows that my family is a broken one but I still want to shout it out to the world… let them all know every single detail of what has happened, of what has been done to me so they know that people like this exist. That it is not just the physical scares that hurt… that the mental scare is much worse.

The hardest part is not on those mothers days or those fathers days. The hardest part is watching everyone else interact with thier parents and knowing I will never have that…. knowing I never HAD that.

The easiest part is the thought that no one cares. Because why would they? My own blood hates me.

Reflection

I started writing a post a week ago about what my husband did one night when the kids were more trouble than they should have been.

As I was writing the post I realised that there were somethings that I did that night that were pretty childish. My mind immediately started making excuses for being childish..

Well I wouldn’t be this way if it wasn’t for. …

But then I knew that was ridiculous because no matter what happened to me… I have a choice not to be a bitch or just plain immature.

Anyway before I could finish that post… things got in the way and I forgot about it.

Yesterday my husband and I had our counselling session and it was full on.  A part of me felt like she was picking on me but a tiny part of me knew she was right.  Again my brain started making excuses… well she’s a shitty counselor anyway

No she’s not.  She is right. 

I need to stop blaming people.  Yes it was their fault but no you didn’t have to react that way.  Yes it is a scary thought that people might take advantage of you if are nice to them but that is on them.  NOT YOU. 

Its going to be a long road ahead.  For a long time I kept telling myself that I need to stay alive and sane for my kids but that’s not true. ..

I need to stay alive and sane for me.  ME. Because I can’t let the past define who I am. 

Life as I know it

I feel my anger filling me up again because everything is just so unfair

How much do I sound like a teenager right now?

I want to write why I am angry but it’s not just one thing… it’s the little things… like the house being a constant mess, and it’s not just because of the kids, my husband seems to be okay with living in a sty as well. I am getting sick of picking up after everybody. At least if it was my house I would be able to do it later but now I have the added pressure of my mum or my dad nagging about everything dirty the entire time. And they don’t nag me, they expect my husband to clean up… which deep inside I know is fair because he is the one that leaves the coke cans and the laundry everywhere but for goodness sake DON’T TELL HIM THAT! If you do he’ll hate you more… and if he hates you more then he’ll hate me more…. he’ll be in a grumpy mood for the next 6 months… even the slightest thing will make him hate everything even more and then I would have to compromise more and more until I get exhausted and get angry and then the kids would cry and then the kids would hate me and run to their dad….. who was the one who started this all in the first place!!! So I conclude that this is entirely my parents fault for ruining my life.

So…. there it is… my reason for anger….. it’s the little things that make you realise how controlled your life is.

Just you know …. I just need to hang on for like 20 more years till my kids are old enough to move out and then I’ll leave him …

Just hang on for 20 more years… then you can ask your parents to forgive you.

Just 20 more years.

I don’t have much hope for our counselling session because it is just how my life works.

Christianity and why I don’t believe it exists

I come from a culture where we are taught that religion comes first. No matter what….God is first. The problem is, that same culture confuses cultural rules with religious rules. Like for example; we are not allowed to drink at weddings. When I was younger, I was led to believe that this was because it would not sit right with God…. but the truth is, God doesn’t  give a shit… people just don’t want to spend money so others can get drunk.

I started questioning these rules during my late teens. I researched and got a pretty good idea of what was right according to the Bible and what was just a cultural thing. Up until this year, I was a pretty religious… I even named my first Born “Faith”.

I finally questioned the fact that a God exists during my 20th “conversation” with my mum about my uncle almost raping me – twice and her not caring… I thought to myself… “why would I be put in a family where they just don’t give a shit? I know that God only gives you as much hardship as you can take but surely after almost 3 decades I would have had some kind of resolution/ closure with this? And if marriages are made in heaven…. what the fuck did I do to deserve an asshole? Like force married to an asshole!”

I cannot disregard that a God exists because there are some things in this world that I cannot explain… but I cannot say he exists either because well…. why are all these children being hurt these days? Why can’t God stop it from happening? I know humans do alot to themselves and they have the choice to go ahead with a bad decision or not but how would a kid being abused have a choice? The Bible says that I should respect my parents and honour them… do I still honour my parents even though they blatantly don’t care about me?

I am feeling ridiculous writing all of this. I know there are going to be comments with a yay or a nay in it but I just don’t get it. So I am just going to say…. if there is a God he is not all powerful. He is there to give us hope during hard times so we have the strength to move on and not kill ourselves. Scriptures are there to help us live lives as good people and that’s it. There is nothing supernatural about God. There is no heaven and our lives on Earth is hell.

This is what I believe. I wish someone out there would prove me otherwise.