Lonely

Happiness is not a feeling

It’s an ability

– Dan in Real Life

When your Best friend has moved away

But even if she was here, she wouldnt have been able to help

When your mother is just non-existent and so is dad

When your siblings keep a distance

And your partner too

You can’t help but think “what did I do?”

I have realised that I could fill a small room full of people who will love me and miss me if I am gone. Yet, none of those people really know me. 

There are ones that see me as an adviser, and others that see me as clown, there are ones that see me as stubborn and others, blunt. I am always just one part of a whole to all of these people. 

I guess this is why people need families. Because they know you as a whole and accept you none the less. But, No such luck for me.

I am extremely and utterly lonely and these thoughts of wanting to run away or just not be here  anymore have come back and is starting to sound good again. 

I keep thinking back to this one day where i’d just had enough of life. My parents had locked me in the house for a month already and I pushed all my friends away because I knew no one would understand a family going through drug issues. I walked around the house one day when my parents had gone shopping and picked up whatever pill I could find. My parents blood pressure pills, various codine and ibuprofens and paracetamols and anti bacterials and glaucoma meds. Anything I could find. Roughly about 15 to 20 of them. I waited till everyone went to sleep and I laid them out on the table. At first, I swallowed them 2 by 2 and it was almost therapeutic… but then as the pile got smaller I started panicking. I didn’t stop though and kept going. I finished it all. I fell asleep almost straight away and my last thought was a little prayer for me to wake up again. “Sorry I did this God” I thought. 

I woke up the next day, almost in the afternoon. I had an unbelievable stomach ache for the next week that I silently endured. But I was both relieved and miserable that I was awake. 

I had not tried to kill myself since. 

For the sake of my kids, I probably won’t ever again. So I keep thinking… this is it. This is me until I die. Lonely, no one to share a thing with. Just a working mum who could never be happy her entire life.

I am so wasted here.

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Dedicated to my Algebra Teacher

I was 13 when I moved to Australia. Before then, I had lived in the same house, on the same street with the same neighbours and went to the same school in India since I was about 2 or 3 years old. Leaving my friends whom I had known since 2 was difficult to say the least. Some of them I had known since before we could even walk or talk.  There were about 5 of us who all grew up together and we were all the “teachers kids”. We would spend the hours before and after school together. Each ones mum would take turns feeding us breakfast or dinner because every single one of our mothers worked overtime. 

My very first best friend, lets call her AJ, she has always been with me. Through sickness and in health. We’ve had our falling outs and we have grown apart but yet the few times we did say hello over the years since I moved to Australia it has been as though we’ve never left each others side. While I might not feel the same way or connection with her at times, shes always been proud of me. I know that. 

Her mum, Mrs. A, was the first person to feed me other than my mum or dad. Her mum always had a smile on her face. She was also my maths teacher in year 8. She was the first one to introduce me to the world of Algebra. I.HATED.IT. 

I used to sleep in her class, whinge, make witty comments. Honestly I have no idea how I passed her class. I have a funny feeling she might have tweeked my grades a little bit. 

On April 30th 2017, Mrs. A passed away. I hadn’t seen her in decades. I was not there when she got sick, I was not there when she was struggling with her sickness, I was not there when AJ was struggling with her moms sickness, I was not there in the last few days when she looked like she was getting better and I was not there when she fell asleep and never woke up. 

I called AJ yesterday and she told me that her mum would keep asking about my kids and ask to see them and ask what silly things they have been upto during the last few days. 

I have no idea why. And it’s weird to know that someone out there, even though it’s been decades, thought of me enough to care what my kids are doing. 

Maybe it’s  a teacher thing.

To all you teachers out there. Keep doing what you’re doing. It honestly saves lives. 

Disney

This is me relating to a Disney Song
#thankyoukids

**When I started uni after my parents locked me in the house for 5 weeks**

The window is open!
So’s that door!
I didn’t know they did that anymore!
Who knew we owned eight thousand salad plates?

For years I’ve roamed these empty halls
Why have a ballroom with no balls?
Finally they’re opening up the gates!

There’ll be actual real live people
It’ll be totally strange
But wow! Am I so ready for this change

‘Cause for the first time in forever
There’ll be music, there’ll be light!
For the first time in forever
I’ll be dancing through the night
Don’t know if I’m elated or gassy
But I’m somewhere in that zone!
‘Cause for the first time in forever
I won’t be alone

I can’t wait to meet everyone!
What if I meet. The one?

Tonight, imagine me gown and all
Fetchingly draped against the wall
The picture of sophisticated grace
Ooh!

**When I met my ex**

I suddenly see him standing there
A beautiful stranger, tall and fair
I wanna stuff some chocolate in my face!

But then we laugh and talk all evening
Which is totally bizarre
Nothing like the life I’ve lead so far!

For the first time in forever
There’ll be magic, there’ll be fun!
For the first time in forever
I could be noticed by someone
And I know it is totally crazy
To dream I’d find romance
But for the first time in forever
At least I’ve got a chance!

**When I was walking down the aisle to marry a stranger**

Don’t let them in
Don’t let them see
Be the good girl
You always have to be
Conceal
Don’t feel
Put on a show
Make one wrong move
And everyone will know

But it’s only for today

It’s only for today!

It’s agony to wait

It’s agony to wait!

Tell the guards to open up the gate!

The gate!
For the first time in forever

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see

I’m getting what I’m dreaming of!

Be the good girl you always have to be

A chance to change my lonely world

Conceal

A chance to find true love!

Conceal, don’t feel
Don’t let them know

I know it all ends tomorrow
So it has to be today!
‘Cause for the first time in forever
For the first time in forever
Nothing’s in my way!

#frozen #thankyoudisney

Three posts in a day… Yes yes I know!

A middle class working Mother’s wish.

I made a Mummy friend.

We don’t know many people with kids. Infact we only know one family and they live quite far away so it’s only the birthdays and special occasions we meet up and they are close friends but the distance makes catching up a bit hard to do. 

My daughter went to her “first” birthday for a kid at her childcare. It was rather exciting for me because I never thought I’d get to be one of those you know, drop off the kids, chat to the moms around the playground kind of mum. I am a through and through working mum. I wake up the kids, kiss them goodbye and head out the door at 6am and I come home 630 – 7pm spend 30 -60 minutes with them giving them a bath and putting them to bed. A Working mother. I have never seen my daughter interact with other kids. I only know how to say her friends and teachers names through her baby accent. So being invited and having a chance to interact with other moms and see how my daughter fairs with other kids was exciting. Turns out I was the only mom who worked all day, everyday. Of course, I think I knew that. I thought when the other moms started talking together and complaining about their lives I would feel jealous/ roll my eyes but it was nice. It was a general “I am here for my kid rather be home folding the laundry” kind of attitude (lol).

Anyway, I started small talk with this young mom and she was just as shy as I was and the conversation didn’t lead anywhere so I just sat, looking around. My daughter had completely disappeared into a pool of giggling kids and I ended up in this room with colouring activities and my daughters left over burger. I see these two mums come in and start chatting and I kind of joined in on the conversation and turns out one of the moms, who also happens to be my daughters “best friends” (do 4 year olds know what best friend is?) mom, lived right behind my house! What are the chances! And the one thing that has never happened to me before happened – she asked for my number. 

It wasn’t a, you know, ugh I Have to get your number now type of thing. It was a genuine, I want to get to know you better, lets be friends! type of thing. And when I got home after the party, I had a message from her! So exciting. I got my kids dressed convinced my husband to smile and off we went for a 2 second walk behind my house to meet them for dinner. As I was walking, I realised that I was doing something that I never thought I would do. Something normal. There were no dramas. I made this friend on my own. I wasnt forced to make this friend or do it because my parents know them somehow. This is me interacting with humans ON MY OWN… and without drama. Not because I want someone in my life to love me but because its normal. This is what normal people do, they go to parties and make friends and go to dinner parties, talk about their kids and their life and work over a couple of bottles of wine and good food while the kids run up and down the house playing. This was a moment in my life that was going to go down in history. 

I have since gone over twice, and now she is my walking buddy in the morning. No agenda, no drama. Just what normal people do. 

I never thought I’d get here you know. And even though there is still a voice in the back of my head that’s saying “it’s not going to last long” and “don’t screw it up”. I am going to try hard to keep this. I want my kids to grow up normal. No pedaphiles, no rapist, no jail and drug drama. All they are going to see is neighbours who are kind. Family who is middle class. That’s it. That’s all I want. 

A boring life.

What makes a Christian

*****I know there are extremeists in every religion but this post is going to focus on the opposite of extreme.******

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/St._Matthias'_Church,_Vepery
I used to go here when I was a baby. My very first church

Every religion has a thing. Buddhists are known to be peaceful. Hindus- mythical stories like the greeks. Muslims- never wavering beliefs and the strength to keep at it. Christians on the other hand, in the century I have been living in at least, have always been the quiet ones. They all seem to be in their own little happy world. Like a clique that you can get into but you always seem to be the one who is missing the point of every conversation. You don’t hear on the news that a Christian was killed so the pastors of the world had something to say about it. You know? Everyone cares if its a catholic or hindu priest or a buddhist monk or a muslim imam but no one cares if its a christian pastor. You have the odd idiot quoting the Bible to get into politics. But I am not talking about that, I am talking about what happens when you hear a missionary was killed or a nun was raped (just look into Indian News….it’s all there)

I have seen and know too much to not leave Christianity altogether. But then I have also seen too much to stay with it completely.

I go to church every week now with the family. We even went over for dinner to the pastors house once. 

I want to know what these people have that make them so happy and smiley and full of positivity. What do they do when they know that there is no one in this world that loves them? Perhaps I am missing something and I have in the last 30 years of being a “christian” and I just need to find out what it is.

They always seem to be smiling and sure that God will give them what they need and content with what they have now. How can you be like that? What do they know that we are missing? Some kind of secret karma place in their minds that we haven’t seem to have tapped into? A happy gas perhaps? Is it just plain ignorance maybe? What is it?

I NEED TO KNOW!!!!

These Relationships 

28-02-2017

So my mum showed up at home yesterday. She came bearing gifts – bags – for my daughter. My Husband opened the door first, unfortunately the kids were with him.  I heard my him yell out my name “PROBLEM!” before I heard her voice “please,  please just listen to me” “No leave my house” he was saying while closing the door and I was running over to get the kids. I rushed them off with my husband inside the house.  It was a little bit chaotic and my son fell and started crying.  My husband carried him off and I saw my daughter was already at the end of the hallway. She didn’t look back. I heard my husband asking me not to yell just as I opened the door.

There she was. The same clothes she was wearing last time she came to see me “God doesnt she have anything else? Probably trying to play on the fact that she is heart broken. Look I’m so heart broken I haven’t even paid attention to my clothes” “Please leave or I’ll call the police” “Just take these” she says while trying to shove them through the small gap in the door. “Leave or I will call the police” Her hands began to shake and her face fell. For a second, just a second, I felt bad. I felt like the worst human being in the world. But then I saw it… her whole arm was shaking. You know like when you want to make sure people know you’re upset, you give your hands that extra little bit of a shake. I looked up to see her face and I saw the anger behind those eyes that are trying terribly hard to look sad. And my brain said “close the door” as my hands were pushing the door shut. I ran to my daughter to see if she was okay even though every part of my being just wanted to crawl into a corner. My son was playing already in the lounge room, he had no idea. My daughter looked like she had just seen a ghost. “I don’t want to leave this house mama” My husband assures her that we won’t be leaving as this is our house. “There are monsters” “No honey, Monsters can’t come inside this house, come on lets go have a bath” my husband tried to reassure her and distract her. She protested at first but when I agreed to come in with her she agreed reluctantly. That was the quietest and the quickest bath my kids have ever had. I took her to her room and started working on some writing exercises hoping to distract her, but I knew I had to acknowledge it. 

“How do you feel baby?” 

– silence – 

“happy, scared, angry or sad?” 

“Scared” 

“you dont need to be. Nothing bad can come into this house because mama wont let them in…why are you scared?”

“The fights”

“I know! Thats why we had to leave because grandma was not being nice to mama and dada and you and your brother too. Don’t you think we are happier now since we left?”

– silence-

“How do you feel now?”

“Sad”

“Why baby?”

-silence-

“I miss grandma too you know”

“Me too mama”

“But Grandma wasn’t nice to mama. Do you understand? ”

“Yes mama”

“Do you have any questions?”

“No”

“Ill always be here for you no matter what”

—-

Maybe I could have given my mum a chance. Maybe she came to apologise but I know deep down that these thoughts are coming from the child in me, still waiting for that fantasy to come true. The reality was the fake arm shake, the anger in those eyes, that all too familiar you moron look she gave me, the fact that my dad was not with her, the fact that she started saying please please quite loudly to my husband before he said anything. The fact is – she did not show up like this for my sons bday or my husbands. The fact is, my parents still think that gifts would bring me back to them. That charity money is what I need. Reality is, she went overseas, had the time of her life, bought all these gifts because she thought I’d come back to her without her having to do anything, maybe even got gifts from people that have no idea and just wanted me to have it. So it won’t go to waste. There was no love there. Just money and not wanting to waste it. And as bad as I feel now for closing the door on my mothers face for the second time, I know I made the right choice for my kids. They deserve a better role model.

————-

06-04-2017

I saw the whatsapp message first. 


The email was next and then the letter this morning.

I will leave this here and let you judge what type of person my dad is. 

———

The Cultural Difference

I am a Not quite Australian Born confused Desi.

Which basically means I was born in India but grew up in Australia so I fall into the “neither here nor there” category. There are a few of us, trust me. We don’t fit in anywhere in India because we were babies when we were there and we don’t fit in anywhere in Australia because well…. you’re “black”…OMG how do you speak english so well? 😒

I watch Bollywood movies and Hollywood Movies. I enjoy both…no not enjoy… i APPRECIATE both. I also APPRECIATE both cultures. It is however true that, in some instances, one culture in me stands out the most. For example, I don’t quite understand the Aussie dream. Not sure what it is either… go to the beach and eat a pie? Not sure? Have a beach house maybe?

 Anyway… the Indian in me screams “OH no… that’s  just lazy! How about education and a good job????” 

But it also goes the other way around… when I got married I wasn’t quite sure why I couldn’t speak to some respected family members the way I usually do. My husband’s grandfather is a very respected man in South India. He is a bad ass real estate agent (you only need to delve into the politics in India to know what this means). Everytime he walked in and out of a room people stood up and said hi to him the respectful way (put your hands together in the praying position or fall at his feet..no…really). Male… female.. babies who couldn’t walk…seriously it was insane. And then along came little ole’ me. I walk into the house to meet him for the first time and he is standing there in his traditional clothes (always wears it)

And I said “Hi”… everyone giggles like the way you giggle at a baby for doing something wrong but it’s cute. I look around at my mother in law and she asks me to fall at his feet. I said out loud “Seriously?” and she nods… so I do this awkward fall feet thing and everyone is in a silent laughter fit (even the kids!)

I was more confused than embarrassed because I had no idea why I had to do that. When I got up, he smiles at me and says “We won’t do that again. How about we just let you be you?” 

It took a few more months of me living with my mother in law for me to realise why people in India did the things they did and it made sense… most of it has a scientific reasoning behind it… some of it just a matter of respect. None the less I came out of that experience thinking I knew who I was and where I fit. 

9 years later….

I was rewatching Kal Ho Na Ho. For those of you who don’t know what this is… please do Google it. There are some really fantastic videos out there that I cannot access due to copyright issues.

It is a story about a boy who is about to die meets a girl and they fall in love but her best friend is also in love with her. When she comes to tell the boy that they should go out…he says no and instead sets her up with the best friend and they live happily ever after. Except for the boy….he dies.

I asked an aussie mate of mine what she would do if she was the one that was dying and had to make a choice. Would she set her love up with someone else or be selfish? And she said to me “I would make the person I like make the choice” 

This blew my mind. 

In all my years of watching and rewatching this movie I never EVER thought about this choice. What about the girl and what she wants? The Indian in me came out and just said well he did whats best for her. He gave up his love so she would be happy isn’t that sweet? But how could I think this when I have been in kind of the same situation?? I have been forced into a marriage because people thought that was what was best for me. They never made me make a choice and here I am thinking it is okay for another (fictional) girl!!!!! I am quite shocked at myself. 

I won’t deny that there is a difference in the way women are treated in India. You walk behind a girl not hand in hand, because you can keep an eye and make sure no one touches her inappropriately while you’re walking down the street. It’s just something you do. Not taught, it’s just natural now. This is not necessarily a dominance thing for the male population as some would make you believe. It’s just as hard for them because they have this duty to forever be the “manly” one. Until recently men were not allowed in the labour ward. Can you imagine that? Not being able to watch your baby being born? 
Maybe it’s just a matter of which characters percpective you watch the movie from and not really a cultural thing. (We can argue that one’s percpective is influenced by their culture).

Whatever it is percpective or cultural difference… the fact that I never thought about the girl just threw me off. 

I am 30 years old but I am still learning so much about myself. Growing up I thought I’d know it all by 30. Now I know the people who taught me when I was younger had no idea what they were doing either. 

Thanks

They are going to shut our water if we dont pay 300 in 24 hours.

My husband has not had his epilepsy medication in 3 months

My sons asthma is getting worse as the weather changes and the medication has run out

We owe the council 1500 dollars, if not paid we officially go into debt with the government 

We owe childcare 2100 dollars or my kids cant go to school anymore

All of this is due in the next day or week. 

We have exactly 50 dollars in our account

Wont get paid till the 10th.

Despite all this. I would rather this than the life i had with my parents in it.

I have never been more grateful 

Below Average

When you are poor:

You are stressed so you want to surround yourself with your mates who will make you feel better but you cant go out (no money) and you cant bring them over either because you dont have food in your house.

You dont have food in your house and you find methods to not feel that hunger in your gut or that smell in your mouth. Free biscuits and tea at work. Refill. But its not enough and your body is still starved to a certain degree so you are constantly tired and yawning. You manage to skip breakfast and blame it on lack of time, you manage to put off lunch till 2pm and you use the excuse that its busy at work… and you eat the boiled potato that you have now had for 2 weeks… by the time you go home at 6 you are starved. When you feed your kids, it take every ounce of you to stop yourself from just “tasting” their food and you hope they dont eat all of it. You dont fight them when they dont finish their plate and hastily eat over the sink, licking every morsel clean.

Repeat

You can have a house, a husbad, kids and a job and still be poor.

Welcome to Australia. It costs half our salaries to feed our families and 4 weeks worth of pay for babysitters. Its either babies or a house.

You choose.

This Mama is happy today

My daughter’s 4th birthday is coming up and we had a party for her today. My husbands cooking was probably the star of the show but By GOD I am damn proud of the cake I made. My daughter asked me 2 weeks ago to make a heart shaped pink cake with rainbows on it. I couldn’t quite get the rainbow topper, but I thought I’d put a surprise in there for her.

My daughters face when she cut the cake and the M&Ms fell out was just priceless. I know I made a memory for her that she will forever cherish and I can sleep well tonight knowing that those 6 hours I spent trying to bake and decorate this cake was completely worth it. Its not going to win baking competitions but it won my daughters heart and that is what I wanted. I even got 2 hugs and multiple kisses and Thank yous for it!

I am so damn proud of my kids. I know every parents says this and it sounds cliche but I really am. They have turned out to be better than what I wished for…and I have pretty high standards. I am so proud of my daughter especially because she is so strong. She’s a drama queen when it comes to kid things, I’ll give her that. She was a relentless picky eater until a few months ago and she always wants things NOW. “I Want it NOW Mama!” “Its taking for a long time Mama!” but shes got this side to her that I have only seen in grown woman, like the way she carries herself when she knows I am upset or if her dad is upset. Her hugs come straight from the heart and she puts her whole being into it, I cant even explain. Like a hug from your grandma, thats the only thing I can compare it to.  The way she deals with other kids in the playground when they are being mean to her or her brother. Its amazing. I am so proud.

My son wears his heart on his sleeve  I worry a lot about him because he gives his heart and when he doesn’t get it back he absolutely crushes and turns into more of an introvert than he already is . But he never lets go, He’ll try again with them, no matter how badly they hurt him. It takes some kind of strength to do that. I know he didn’t get that from me! He will do anything to make people laugh and He is just Gorgeous! My little 2 year old that came to me just to make me laugh everyday. I am so very proud!

I absolutely Love my Babies!

I normally dont like putting personal pictures up on this website. But I want to share this moment, because this was the best moment of the day for us.

 

bday2

I am not my mother.