Lonely

Happiness is not a feeling

It’s an ability

– Dan in Real Life

When your Best friend has moved away

But even if she was here, she wouldnt have been able to help

When your mother is just non-existent and so is dad

When your siblings keep a distance

And your partner too

You can’t help but think “what did I do?”

I have realised that I could fill a small room full of people who will love me and miss me if I am gone. Yet, none of those people really know me. 

There are ones that see me as an adviser, and others that see me as clown, there are ones that see me as stubborn and others, blunt. I am always just one part of a whole to all of these people. 

I guess this is why people need families. Because they know you as a whole and accept you none the less. But, No such luck for me.

I am extremely and utterly lonely and these thoughts of wanting to run away or just not be here  anymore have come back and is starting to sound good again. 

I keep thinking back to this one day where i’d just had enough of life. My parents had locked me in the house for a month already and I pushed all my friends away because I knew no one would understand a family going through drug issues. I walked around the house one day when my parents had gone shopping and picked up whatever pill I could find. My parents blood pressure pills, various codine and ibuprofens and paracetamols and anti bacterials and glaucoma meds. Anything I could find. Roughly about 15 to 20 of them. I waited till everyone went to sleep and I laid them out on the table. At first, I swallowed them 2 by 2 and it was almost therapeutic… but then as the pile got smaller I started panicking. I didn’t stop though and kept going. I finished it all. I fell asleep almost straight away and my last thought was a little prayer for me to wake up again. “Sorry I did this God” I thought. 

I woke up the next day, almost in the afternoon. I had an unbelievable stomach ache for the next week that I silently endured. But I was both relieved and miserable that I was awake. 

I had not tried to kill myself since. 

For the sake of my kids, I probably won’t ever again. So I keep thinking… this is it. This is me until I die. Lonely, no one to share a thing with. Just a working mum who could never be happy her entire life.

I am so wasted here.

Just one reason why

Soon after I left my parents, I was in this…mood. I didn’t really talk to anyone at work. Everytime I saw someone I know walk past, I would do my best to ignore them. I would literally think “Ugh” when I saw someone. It got to a point where it affected my job. This lady in particular at work was annoying the shit out of me with her fake attitude.
You know when you dislike someone, you start seeing only their annoying traits? I did that. So much so that I went to my boss’ office and told her that xx was being a little bleep (not in so many colourful words of course) and my boss – kid you not – says “thats cuz your being a little bleep (not that colourful)”. I was taken aback. How dare you put this on me! Don’t you know what I have been through!!!!! And she says, yes but not in detail. It sucks but everyone elses life sucks as well. Maybe less than yours, maybe just as bad, maybe even worse (to which i scoffed) but sucks none the same. Doesn’t mean you have to make everyone else feel the same pain. You walk with a black cloud around you, she said. It shows in your emails, in your phone mannerisms, your lack of care is showing. If you don’t care about this or at least try… she said you are eventually not going to care about anyone. 

3 hours I was in her office. 3 hours

Often when life gets us down we think and rethink about our problem so much that we forget about other things…. other people. 

A smile goes a long way

It’s hard to smile when your parents hate you and you are as poor as poor can get but a smile goes a long way. You’d never know… maybe the answer to your problems is in the person you’ve just smiled at, or had that small talk with at the bus stop or even just the smile. 

You simply just fake it till you make it. 

I know 13 reasons why has been a huge topic these days (as it should be!). I haven’t watched all of it but *SPOILERS AHEAD* I read up on it. 
If Jason and Alex had thought about the girl for a change instead of them just wanting to fit in/ depressed about rejection Hannah would not have been in the firing line. 

Every Character in there were so engrossed in their own problems that they didnt even think about others. Perhaps if Jason had thought about Hannah he would have been with her and therein lies his answer of needing someone to love as he never got it at home. See where I am going with this?

There is just one common reason in all the 13 and it could have been easily avoided.

One in a million

I have never really fit in anywhere. I have always had this sense that the only reason I was in “groups” in school was because people thought they would be at an advantage if they were friends with the teachers daughter (primary) and just felt sorry for me (high school). The mates I had in university were all my boyfriends mates. I never really had anyone of my own. The one girl that was my mate stopped talking to me and never told me why. I assumed it was because of me. I was just being me. No one really likes me.

This theory of mine was only proved more accurate when in my first job, I was bullied by every single co worker of mine (all 6 of them) to the point where I would get panic attacks everyday and would have to run to the clinic downstairs to get a brown paper bag to breathe into. 

Truth or not, since then, I could never brush off this feeling that people could never handle too much of me. 24/ 7. 365 days a year of me was just too much for them. 

Didn’t help that my parents never really cared about me either. Or my sister told me to “get over it”. 

I told my ex-fiancee once that if I didnt marry him, I will not marry anyone else unless I was forced into it. For a very long time I thought it was because of how much I loved him, but as I write this now, I realise it’s  because I knew that no one would ever put me up for that long. He was hard enough to pin down. I would never be able to do that again. 
Needless to say, I kept that promise because this guy saw a picture of me, read the notes my parents wrote about me and liked it. Now we’re married.

There is always this thing in the back of my head no matter how much I ignore it. Every little thing that people say and do only solidifies the fact that they just put up with me. I always sense it. Always. Even when I am having a conversation with someone,  I can tell even with the blink of their eyes that, that would be the last conversation I will have with them. And most of the time I am right. 

This morning my husband was looking for scissors to cut up some sausages. The knife and fork right in front of him he didn’t want to use. He wanted scissors. He had already ruined 2 scissors like this and he reached out for the only clean one in the house. So I said no. He says 

“I can’t wait!”

“Wait for what?”

“Wait for the day you’ll change”

He didn’t say for the better, he didnt say normal. But I know what he meant. 

I understand that this is just one of those things that husband and wives bicker about and exchange words. He probably didn’t mean it maybe. But it hurts. 

Whatever

Mentally it has been a good few months, my anger levels have been good and I haven’t been in a deep dark hole like I usually am. But the last week has been particularly hard. 
Like I am being forced to jump into a well but I am clamoring on the side of the wall so I don’t go in. 

I have been watching Iron fist as well so it’s not helping an “orphan” like me. 

 C: ….afterwards my dad sent me to live with my grandfather in Japan but I always felt like…

D: Abandoned? No matter how much anyone else cares for you. It’s not the same.

Anyway, If I wallow I will fall in so I am going to list the good that has happened so far:
1. Since I have been okay mentally, my relationship with my husband has been good. (Not yesterday, yesterday i hit him on the side of the head with a popcorn box because he asked me if I was pmsing….ok back to the good stuff. ..)

2. My daughter got into a school for next year

3. Work has been..mundane. I have a boss who is always on my side no matter how many bitches…i mean… no matter how hard it gets, so that’s good.

4. My best mate had a baby girl! Yay!

5. My husband got a better job. Higher position and pay! Starts in 2 weeks

6. Our landscaping is coming together… very slowly but it’s happening.

Honestly everything else is good. Its just the stress of money. That’s it. I haven’t been eating well as well so that doesn’t help. I just need to keep my head in the game. Work towards my goal of being a stay at home or part time worker mum and I’ll be happy. (Lol usually people have career goals and I have a get out of work goal! Ha! How times have changed indeed. Is this what a 30 year old mum of two does???)

I’ll be okay. Just need to get through today.

Don’t fret that you can’t get yourself speak to your 2 year old son because all that comes out is cry and sighs. Get something else done and come back to him. This is just one day out of how many ever long you have with him. He won’t hate you. Just keep going.  Kisses are technically talking as well. 

My Teenage Werewolf

I have been binge watching Teen wolf for the past few weeks. The acting is not so great (sans Stiles) but the plot, I love. 
I like the pace of it and the way they tell the story. It’s not as teenage angsty as I expected it to be. Yes, I am justifying why I watch this show. I don’t know why. Ok fine… I watch it for Dylan. There I said it!

Now what I actually came on here to say is that….There is this recurring theme that I have noticed throughout the series. They are always unable to control their inner werewolf and the only way they succeed is by calming their emotions. It is a change in attitude that they surround their inner self with in order to control the beast. 

I am also in the middle of reading Fish!. It is a great little book about keeping up the morale in order to create a better environment for people around you and in turn yourself. It talks about being present, in the moment and not allowing negativity affect the way you operate. 

I think the book and the TV show have a similar concept. While the book has taught me that attitude is everything, the TV show has shown me how to do this. The sun, the moon and the truth…alpha, beta, omega. Chants. Repeatedly reminding your brain that the moment is temporary only if you allow it. 

I am using this attitude to perhaps try and curb my anger issues. Practice makes perfect right? Now I just have to learn to pick myself up when I slip up.

I will leave you with one of my favourite quotes that resonates with me:

Stiles: [to Malia] I’m not going to run, because I don’t think you’re going to hurt me. And, I think maybe you’re so afraid of hurting me because of what you did to your family. I know what that’s like. I remember everything that I did. And, the worst part is I remember liking it. Because I felt powerful. I felt fearless. And, most of all, in control. But, when I came through it, I learned something else– Control is overrated.

Beginning of the end

I knew the minute I fell in love that once it ended I would never love again. I knew it would end too… no matter how much I tried to push that thought away, I knew it would.

My husband unfortunately, wrong place, wrong time got caught in my disaster of a life. I don’t even know if his life was better before he met me. I don’t know much about his life. We’ve been married 9 years.

Our anniversary was on the 7th. When he didn’t get what he wanted, he started being generally grumpy… swearing under his breath, the usual deal. I get that I ask too much, but it doesn’t help that you don’t ask me if I am okay at all. Maybe the reason I ask too much is because I don’t get asked anything at all. 
About 2 years ago, I told him that I cannot give him what he wanted. I cannot love. It is not within my ability to love. My kids, thats different that comes from a place I don’t fully understand or ever felt before but friendships and relationships… I’m not good at. I am a horrible friend and an even worse wife. I told him this. But he refused to leave. 

So here we are… and he tells me he will make sure we don’t get to 10. I know he wants to do it but he is also lazy. He needs someone to do the paperwork etc for him so he won’t do it. He’ll tell me later on that he didn’t do it because of the kids. 

I’m sad because this is happening but I will also be sad if it doesn’t happen. Either way, no one is winning this because none of us should have been here to begin with.

Sometimes it’s quite difficult to see the point of anything because your life has been a whole series of “no points”. What was the point of giving me such parents? What was the point of making me go through a molestation? What was the point of making me go through the pain and guilt and abuse of having someone with a drug problem in the family? What was the point of forced marriage?

God doesn’t exist. If He did… I would have seen the point already.

Lonely

 This is the first Christmas without my parents. There is nothing to miss really. Our tradition was always to go to church – just because and then come home and eat an Indian feast – just because.  We never really had a tree or opened presents…. never believed in Santa…. we got new clothes that my mum would dress us in when she thought it appropriate. 

Like I said. .. nothing to miss… Yet … there is this emptiness. .. this numbness inside of me that I can’t seem to shake.

I was never really close to my dad.  I never really let older men touch me because I never really trusted them. So hugs from my dad was never really welcome.  My mum’s hugs were rare but whenever she did hug me she would do this thing with her nails ( she had beautiful long nails back then) by running them through my hair… that feeling. I miss that.  I’ve missed it even when I was talking to her,  because after a while,  even when she hugged me,  i knew it wasn’t genuine.  She did it because I forced her to. When I look back on all my relationships, I can see it now.  I can see now when they all stopped loving me.  My first crush,  my first love, my first boyfriend. …The only reason the breakdown of my relationship with my parents hurts the most is because I realise now that they never really loved me.  There was no one time that I can think back on when they stopped because they never really started. 

The reason my relationship with my husband hurts is because I can see the same thing happening in him.  Whatever he thinks is love,  it’s not.  It’s just what people do to keep up appearances. If he’s fooled himself into thinking that’s love.. well… I’ll just have to go with it.

Happy Birthday Jesus.  Here’s to getting away from bad relationships and entering into another one. I hope you have fun watching my drama unfold.  Because that’s what I am to you right?  Entertainment?

Easy way out

I was hoping with my MIL in the house my depression would stay at bay. It is hard enough for my husband to comprehend it, let alone a person I have barely spent any time with.

But it’s here and its not the kind you can hide. Its the kind that makes you want to curl up into bed all day. What triggered it? My breakfast for the family burnt and stuck to the pan. That’s it. 

That’s all it took. Fucking burnt breakfast. My thought process went from “not good enough to even make a simple breakfast” to “shit mother, shit wife, shit daughter, shit daughter in law, shit human being…why are you even here?”

In my moment of anxiety I didnt really realise why I was angry. But my husband asked me to relax before he left for work and thats when I realised I was stressed out and it wasn’t really me but my anxiety.

I just want this thing to go away because I know I’m better than this. I don’t want to push people away but it’s just. …… *deep breath* easier….

Welcome to my head

Every emotion is so complicated. I don’t understand why I have to analyse everything. It’s always this fight in my head to not think but think all the time. Is this a symptom of whatevet depression/ anxiety I have? Or perhaps the need to be perfect brings out this over thinker? Or perhaps the need to be perfect is a symptom too? Or I am just willing myself to think all these things because I don’t  want to think about the sccident I’ve just had. It’s just an accident… it was my fault… no one was hurt… it’s okay. 

Why can’t it just be okay to be angry with myself? To just realise I made a mistake and move on? What is this need to analyse things to come up with an excuse to figure out why I did the thing I did? 

Oh my brain!!!

Recap on 2016

January to April : Torture by parents, mental games, fights, physical fights with the parents, kids scared and confused, builder raises the price of the house

May: move out of parents house, kids and husband move overseas. I sell all my jewllery to pay off the builder, stay home alone, kids not doing well overseas, dog gets anxiety

April: end of april: daughter and husband come back, son stays on, MIL backs out on offer to come and help, find a daycare to look after daughter

May: go overseas to pick up son, find daycare to look after son and daughter, dog anxiety worsens

June: dog dies, parents try to contact, depression gets worse, husband is promised promotion at work

July: work gets worse, anger gets worse, builder adds extras that cost more, husbands promotion is threatned

August: end of August: husband gets seizures

September: daughter breaks arm, im finding it really hard to keep it together