Blabber

It is 2:19am Thursday the 26th of January. Very early in the morning on Australia day in other words.

Why I’m awake? cuz my son kicked me square in the face while we were in bed, so hard infact, that my earrings ripped out of my ear and fell across to the other side of the bed. Yep. I Screamed of course but no one woke up…of course . Who cares about mum really?  Also, I have bad indigestion and have been running from the kitchen (to have water) and the toilet all night. TMI? Maybe.   Meh

I am so going to regret not trying to sleep, in about 3 hours when my son wakes up and asks for “chokate bed mumma chokate bed” *aka Chocolate bread aka Nutella Toast.

I get the train to work now. The most exciting thing that has happened to me in awhile because I get my own time to read my books and go through blogs, something that I havent been able to do for almost 5 years now. Anyway, I came across this post this afternoon and I thought it brilliant. I have been going through looking for these people who have been through the same things that I have, since I started this blog, and here i found it right on my facebook feed

http://www.scarymommy.com/motherless-mother-mental-illness/

My mother doesnt have any Mental Illness (nothing diagnosed anyway) but everything in this article feels like, like the author saw inside my head and just wrote it down.

I wanted to message her on Facebook and tell her how much this article put me at ease to know that I am not the only one with these feelings, but I thought she might think I’m creepy? SO I am just going to rave about it in here, where Nobody (I know) would see.

I wish I could tell people in my life, how I feel. But I can never find the words. I just get angry that they dont understand…which is ridiculous because how can they without you explaining it to them?


This week was a good week. I have had lots of good weeks this month, which is rare. and I think I have figured out what my depression trigger is, so next month, when it does come along, I can, if i can, push it out of my mind or do something to keep it together for my kids. you know ?

Fingers crossed anyway

Advertisements

Beginning of the end

I knew the minute I fell in love that once it ended I would never love again. I knew it would end too… no matter how much I tried to push that thought away, I knew it would.

My husband unfortunately, wrong place, wrong time got caught in my disaster of a life. I don’t even know if his life was better before he met me. I don’t know much about his life. We’ve been married 9 years.

Our anniversary was on the 7th. When he didn’t get what he wanted, he started being generally grumpy… swearing under his breath, the usual deal. I get that I ask too much, but it doesn’t help that you don’t ask me if I am okay at all. Maybe the reason I ask too much is because I don’t get asked anything at all. 
About 2 years ago, I told him that I cannot give him what he wanted. I cannot love. It is not within my ability to love. My kids, thats different that comes from a place I don’t fully understand or ever felt before but friendships and relationships… I’m not good at. I am a horrible friend and an even worse wife. I told him this. But he refused to leave. 

So here we are… and he tells me he will make sure we don’t get to 10. I know he wants to do it but he is also lazy. He needs someone to do the paperwork etc for him so he won’t do it. He’ll tell me later on that he didn’t do it because of the kids. 

I’m sad because this is happening but I will also be sad if it doesn’t happen. Either way, no one is winning this because none of us should have been here to begin with.

Sometimes it’s quite difficult to see the point of anything because your life has been a whole series of “no points”. What was the point of giving me such parents? What was the point of making me go through a molestation? What was the point of making me go through the pain and guilt and abuse of having someone with a drug problem in the family? What was the point of forced marriage?

God doesn’t exist. If He did… I would have seen the point already.

Terrible Twos

A Background on my greatest Accomplishments:

My Kids are 20 months apart. Now I know it seems ridiculous when I say this in months, I could just say 2 years and get it over and done with. But I say 20 Months because those extra 4 months (or lack thereof) to make up the 2 years, makes a WHOLE lot of difference in Baby world.

Continue reading Terrible Twos

Family

So my husband had a seizure this morning and this is a list of my thoughts when he was flailing like a fish out of water:

What the fuck?

Ambulance!

Mum…no…Kids!

Shit! The kids! 

****calling ambulance**** mum need mum… no no no 

How am I gonna do this alone? Whats the number for ambulance? Dammit just type! “NSW AMBULANCE PLEASE!” 

it’s okay the paramedics should know what to do.

—–

My husband woke up 3 hours later and told me off for calling the ambulance. I came back to the hospital an hour after that to find him unconscious on his bed and the doctor says “well it’s good you called the ambulance cuz he just had another seizure 10 minutes ago. I’ve knocked him out”

When I heard the doctor tell me that, I just wanted a hug from anybody. I would have taken anything just to feel safe. But I don’t have anyone. I kept looking through my phone to see if I can call someone but my best friend moved overseas, her mum has a father who is sick anyway and my in laws are overseas.

I have no family. So I called work and told them I won’t be coming. I called the baby sitter and said she might have to look after the kids a little longer. I called my husbands work and lied that he fell out of bed and I am sitting here now….completely alone hoping he doesn’t have another seizure and wondering if it is safe for the kids to be around him right now.

Its just the 2 of us though.

Films

I am at home sick today and decided to binge watch “How to get away with a murder”.

To some of you that have kind of bothered to read my blog from the beginning would know that my story is a unique one. Which is why, sometimes I find it hard to digest it all because I don’t know of anyone or even heard stories about people who have gone through the same things that I have.

So there I am watching HTGAWM and this plot line hits me out of nowhere, the Lawyer, sets her boyfriend up for her husbands murder and calls her Mom (who she supposedly haven’t had contact with in years) to stay with her at her time of extreme Vulnerability. At a time where she has no one.

At first it just seems like a normal, mother daughter whinging fight and then they show you the truth and it kind of took me by surprise. Not because the plot was so good I didn’t see that coming but because, the relationship between them was exactly the relationship between my Mom and I and I didn’t see that coming.

htgawmcicely

It is my general assumption, that for a plot to be in a movie or TV show, there has to be some of kind of truth to it. Or it has happened somewhere and they just exaggerate a little for the movie. So this relationship between the Mother and Daughter must be true somewhere, otherwise who would think of this shit?

Someone out there has a Mom, just like mine, who knew their daughter was abused but did nothing. Just ignored it, hoping it would go away. And somewhere, there is a daughter, just like me, who had the same reaction as I did. Hate for their own Mother but wanting to feel the Love they hope they’ll get someday but secretly know will never come. Someone, somewhere, has the same parents as I do, where food and shelter and education is more important than Love.

That made me feel better, I know I am not alone. There are people out there with the same fucked up parents as I have.

Of course they finished the story off to say that the Mother did kill the Daughter’s abuser in the end. But that’s Movies, Fairy tales. This is reality. So my Mother talks to my abuser everyday as if it is the most normal thing in the world. She would even throw me under the bus, if it means to protect him. Reality. Its a bitch.

I also watched Bad Moms the other night and there is this scene where all the Moms are talking about what they would love to do for one day and Kristen Bell’s character says “I sometimes wish i get into an accident on the way to pick up my kids, not like a major one with fire and stuff but like a little one and they take me to the hospital and the nurse’s look after me and i get to eat Jello all day and just get pampered” … or something along those lines. All the other characters look at her horrified and there I was thinking sitting in my seat “Don’t worry Kristen, I’ve felt that way too, too many times”

I’m Crazy AF ya’ll

e0ce30617b9ce4194fe15eae15629d14

And on that note

 

I bid you adieu

 

Chased

After almost 6 months of nothing my Mum has called me twice in the last 3 weeks. 

The first time,  it was 7 in the morning on a weekend and I was still in bed.  My first thought was that maybe she was in trouble so I picked up.  She asks me how I am and I stated the fact that it was 7 in the morning and I hung up. 

I walked around feeling guilty for picking up the phone call for the next week and a half. I honestly felt like I won a battle but lost the war just cuz I showed her that I cared by picking up the phone.  The whole point of moving away from my past was to show them that I didn’t care as much as the didn’t care about me.  The whole point was to show them that I won’t be there when they really needed me.  And here I was picking up the phone call cuz I thought something was wrong.  7am wasn’t that early anyway!  

I had to remind myself over and over again that the people I missed were only people I made up on my head.  They weren’t real.  Reality was them being okay with me being abused by a pedaphile. Reality was,  I hadn’t had a hug since I was 10 or 11. Reality was no I love you, it was always – I gave you food and education.

She called again yesterday when I was at work. As soon as I saw the number,  I had a panic attack.  That second of my heart stopping and my palms sweating.  The realisation that I still care hit me like a ton of bricks and my mother’s face. … 

I hope she never calls again because I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this fake bravado

This is it

Clear

It’s 14° C and sunny outside. I’ve caught Pikachu (that’s right I’m almost 30 and a Pokemon Goer). The Government just gave us back a 4 digit number $$ back that they owe us and I can finally get those shoes for my son and get my kids a haircut. Maybe even splurge a little and get some Bbq wipes and tea towels for the kitchen! And some pants and jackets for the kids!

Is the mother in me showing? Sorry.

My heads been less depressed in the last couple of days than it has been in the last 3 weeks, which is also good. I’m going to cherish this because its nice to have a clear mind. 

——

In other news… I’m going to be 30 in 5 months and 1 day. Dirty 30. Dirty THIRTY 

Thirty, married for 9 years, two kids 4 and under, maybe a house (if it gets built on time) and MAYBE I’ll get to leave this job, go part time and spend more time with the kids. These are my goals. I don’t know how I turned into such a parent but somehow I have and I am actually okay with it. I dont even want to go back to my single life. It was boring and complicated and confusing anyway. 

Perhaps just Dramatic

This constant struggle between the need to be perfect and the reality of not being prefect is tiring.  Yet,  I cannot stop myself. 

Every time I have a disagreement with someone I think, God this is why everyone hates me. This obsessive thought of listing all the reasons why everyone hates me begins and then this need to make everyone believe otherwise starts and then the result is always the same. …people get pushed out.  But of course my head thinks. .. “see I was right you’re just too weird to be normal, to be perfect,  just learn to live alone. It’s just easier that way”

Even if i somehow stop myself from being obsessively negative, the thoughts always creep in.  The longest I have gone without thinking about how people perceive me is a week. 1 week. 

What triggers this,  is not always a disagreement. It can be as simple as someone looking at me for a sec too long or even a conversation between two friends that I was not part of “oh God they must think I’m boring, that’s why they are not talking to me.”

Constant anxiety perhaps. Or maybe I’m just a drama queen. Or spoilt. Or maybe the last two reasons are just my brain telling me how not perfect I am 

The Final Goodbye

You will realise one day that you lost a child purely because you didn’t like the husband YOU chose for her.

The sad truth is though, I don’t think you care enough to realise this one day.

In any case, do not try to contact me or my children. Do not Speak to my husband and his family. From now on, we will OFFICIALLY be strangers. If anybody asks you only ever had one child and I was always an orphan. Shouldn’t be too hard, its been this way for years.

Goodbye.