No Manuals

I need to know how to react to something, otherwise I won’t know what to do. Everything I know is learnt…. there is no originality here whatsoever.

The problem is…. my life is quite…. unique so an answer to some of the questions my brain asks me is hard to find. Some originality is needed most of the time.

I was the only one in my circle of friends to be bullied
I was the only one to go through a crisis of having a drug addict in the family
I was the only one to get forced married
I was the first one TO get married
I am the only one to go through the pain of being told that I could not have children
I am the first one to have kids
I am the only one that I know of that have parents who blatantly dislike me…. very much

I feel like I am the only one with so much drama in my life day in and day out that I just cannot talk to anyone. Because no one will understand how hard it is to move on from these situations…. and then when you finally do move one another one hits you like a ton of bricks…. one after another… theres always been something.

I know I can do this. I know I’ll make it. I know I won’t give into this depression but I don’t know if I’ll ever let myself be happy and that scares me.

Happiness

This blog/ diary thing I am doing started off as a place to tell people my story. It is a common story in some parts of the world, but most dont speak of it. So I thought, I’ll come here and let the world know.

But a few months down and this blog has turned into a lifestory of someone who is trying to replace depression with Happiness.

Today is a day of clarity. I dont get many of these days. Most days I am stuck in a rut, thinking about the past and driving myself insane. Most days I over analyse everything and get sad. Everyday, it is hard to remember that happiness even exists.

This weekend my husband booked a hotel room for me so I could experience how it would be like if i was without a family. No parents, No sibilings, No husband, No kids. Leading up to this weekend, I had plans of going out, reading books, eating out on my own and watching as many movies on Netflix as I could. I couldnt WAIT to SHOWER AND PEE on my own. It was going to the best. I did worry that I might not want to come back and I think my husband did too but I had to do this, If i didnt want to come back then there is no real point in prolonging this relationship anyway.

Continue reading Happiness

Arranged Marriage

Relationships usually have a history.

How two people met. How they started talking to each other. How they created a circle of friends around them. How they started seeing each other in a different light. How they fell in love. Making memories together. Getting through the odds while growing up. Making plans together of getting old. And then…. actually doing it.

It sounds wonderful doesnt it? The thought that two people could, against all odds while growing up and finding oneself, finds another to share it with too? Feels like a fairytale. Like something you only see in the movies? 

But its not is it? There are thousands of people in this world who have created or creating that very history together right now.

The thing about arranged Marriages is that you dont have the how we met story, you dont have the what did you say to each other first story, you dont have a first kiss story, you dont have a how we fell in love story, hell you dont even get to make your own circle of friends.

Continue reading Arranged Marriage

Reflection

I started writing a post a week ago about what my husband did one night when the kids were more trouble than they should have been.

As I was writing the post I realised that there were somethings that I did that night that were pretty childish. My mind immediately started making excuses for being childish..

Well I wouldn’t be this way if it wasn’t for. …

But then I knew that was ridiculous because no matter what happened to me… I have a choice not to be a bitch or just plain immature.

Anyway before I could finish that post… things got in the way and I forgot about it.

Yesterday my husband and I had our counselling session and it was full on.  A part of me felt like she was picking on me but a tiny part of me knew she was right.  Again my brain started making excuses… well she’s a shitty counselor anyway

No she’s not.  She is right. 

I need to stop blaming people.  Yes it was their fault but no you didn’t have to react that way.  Yes it is a scary thought that people might take advantage of you if are nice to them but that is on them.  NOT YOU. 

Its going to be a long road ahead.  For a long time I kept telling myself that I need to stay alive and sane for my kids but that’s not true. ..

I need to stay alive and sane for me.  ME. Because I can’t let the past define who I am. 

Life as I know it

I feel my anger filling me up again because everything is just so unfair

How much do I sound like a teenager right now?

I want to write why I am angry but it’s not just one thing… it’s the little things… like the house being a constant mess, and it’s not just because of the kids, my husband seems to be okay with living in a sty as well. I am getting sick of picking up after everybody. At least if it was my house I would be able to do it later but now I have the added pressure of my mum or my dad nagging about everything dirty the entire time. And they don’t nag me, they expect my husband to clean up… which deep inside I know is fair because he is the one that leaves the coke cans and the laundry everywhere but for goodness sake DON’T TELL HIM THAT! If you do he’ll hate you more… and if he hates you more then he’ll hate me more…. he’ll be in a grumpy mood for the next 6 months… even the slightest thing will make him hate everything even more and then I would have to compromise more and more until I get exhausted and get angry and then the kids would cry and then the kids would hate me and run to their dad….. who was the one who started this all in the first place!!! So I conclude that this is entirely my parents fault for ruining my life.

So…. there it is… my reason for anger….. it’s the little things that make you realise how controlled your life is.

Just you know …. I just need to hang on for like 20 more years till my kids are old enough to move out and then I’ll leave him …

Just hang on for 20 more years… then you can ask your parents to forgive you.

Just 20 more years.

I don’t have much hope for our counselling session because it is just how my life works.

Christianity and why I don’t believe it exists

I come from a culture where we are taught that religion comes first. No matter what….God is first. The problem is, that same culture confuses cultural rules with religious rules. Like for example; we are not allowed to drink at weddings. When I was younger, I was led to believe that this was because it would not sit right with God…. but the truth is, God doesn’t  give a shit… people just don’t want to spend money so others can get drunk.

I started questioning these rules during my late teens. I researched and got a pretty good idea of what was right according to the Bible and what was just a cultural thing. Up until this year, I was a pretty religious… I even named my first Born “Faith”.

I finally questioned the fact that a God exists during my 20th “conversation” with my mum about my uncle almost raping me – twice and her not caring… I thought to myself… “why would I be put in a family where they just don’t give a shit? I know that God only gives you as much hardship as you can take but surely after almost 3 decades I would have had some kind of resolution/ closure with this? And if marriages are made in heaven…. what the fuck did I do to deserve an asshole? Like force married to an asshole!”

I cannot disregard that a God exists because there are some things in this world that I cannot explain… but I cannot say he exists either because well…. why are all these children being hurt these days? Why can’t God stop it from happening? I know humans do alot to themselves and they have the choice to go ahead with a bad decision or not but how would a kid being abused have a choice? The Bible says that I should respect my parents and honour them… do I still honour my parents even though they blatantly don’t care about me?

I am feeling ridiculous writing all of this. I know there are going to be comments with a yay or a nay in it but I just don’t get it. So I am just going to say…. if there is a God he is not all powerful. He is there to give us hope during hard times so we have the strength to move on and not kill ourselves. Scriptures are there to help us live lives as good people and that’s it. There is nothing supernatural about God. There is no heaven and our lives on Earth is hell.

This is what I believe. I wish someone out there would prove me otherwise.

Therapy

My therapist agrees that my life is Chaos and she wants to see if my husband will work with me to help it get better and I asked her… what if he doesn’t and she said

“Then we’ll work in the two of being parents rather than partners.”

I hope this happens. I want to start my life again.

The whole truth and nothing but the truth

I have been trying to write the third part of my story for a long time now but the truth is I am not the type to sit down, think about it and then put it into words. Good or bad, emotions drive me so that’s exactly what I am going to do. Just let the emotions write the last part of my story.

The whole reason I started this blog is because I needed someone to hear my story and validate it, to say … “man oh man that’s tough!” Yea I know how it sounds like… like I was just looking for attention? But I was… I AM! And this is why…
Part 1 here
Part 2 here

A few months after my wedding, things in my parents house was getting unbearable. There was an argument that broke out between my parents and I and this was the first one we had had since my sister left the house. So it was BIG. In my moment of anger I asked my mum If she remembered the day I told her about my uncle. Mind you, we don’t talk about anything taboo in my family and in my question to her, I never specified which uncle or what day.

Mum says “Yea, I do. You were around 6. You were wearing your light pink dress, you were standing in the lounge and I was sitting in the dining room with your grandmother… you told me he touched you”

Continue reading The whole truth and nothing but the truth

Arranged Marriages

He saw a picture of me, saw my long black hair and my big pouty lips and my smile and probably said “Yes, that would make cute kids” or “Yes, I can see myself having sex with that” or “Yea she’s cute, she’ll do”

And then the wedding was done and gone, the marriage started and the baggage that came along with (what he thought to be a) cute face became more transparent…. and he couldn’t handle it.

He couldn’t handle the abused, bruised, stubborn, depressed girl and he regrets everything.

This is the truth.

 

The Whole truth and nothing but the truth (pt2)

I can’t talk about our first night. Because at no ones fault…   it was incredibly horrifying for me. My depression was the only thing to blame. To this day my husband has no idea about this. It will break him if he finds out. I cried myself to sleep that night. But I picked myself up again and I woke up the next day as if it was all okay.

A couple of days later I was at my in-law’s town. I would be meeting every single member of my husbands family here. Walking into my their house, felt like walking into one of those old ads that they show on TV. The mum with the apron in the kitchen making delicious food. Everyone smiling and laughing, the whole family together, joking around.

I wanted this life. I wanted the atmosphere,  I wanted the peace, I wanted to smile and I was in it and I loved it. My father in law would call me his daughter and my mother in law would tell me everyday how much she always wanted a daughter. She would take me out around her area and show me off. I never had to cook, i never had to clean. I was a princess.

Continue reading The Whole truth and nothing but the truth (pt2)