Woes of a working Mother

I have the flu. The kind that weakens you. I took 2 days off and I went back to work, I was still sick but I still went back and worked till 7pm. By the time I got home, I couldn’t keep my head up and almost collapsed on the train. If I was not a mother, I could have taken the whole week off and no one would have said a thing. But Alas, I have toddlers which automatically puts me in the “She’s not great at her job pool”. So you work hard. Harder than anyone else to at least be seen.

I’m back to work this morning and while getting my kids ready for school, they wanted lots of cuddles. Now getting a cuddle from my 2 yr old son is very rare and something I cherish. Any other day I would have asked him to hurry up and put his pants on cuz I was running late – no time for cuddles boy – but today I took the time to give him a cuddle and I even managed to get a “I love you mama” from him! (Super excited) and now I am 15 minutes late to work. Do I feel like this could have been avoided? Sure, I could have got up at 4:30am instead of the 5:00am I usually do. But 4:30 though…Am I looking forward to the long sigh and eye roll I will get from my boss when I apologise for running late? Nope not really. Do I regret cuddling him? Most definitely not. It was bloody worth it. Your eye roll does not compare to his “I love you”. 

I went back to work within 4 months of giving birth to my daughter and 3 months of giving birth to my son. None of which was easy. I would cry on the way to work and the guilt… oh the guilt! While all other mothers had time to get their kids to swimming classes by the time they turned 1. My kids, 4 and 2, are yet to learn that skill. My kids childcare workers know more about them, than I do. It’s not right. But then again, I can’t afford to stay at home. I have a mortage and bills to pay. So here I am. All I can do is rant…while life just keeps rolling. So I wish every morning when I wake up that my kids dont hate me for working and they turn out alright and hope one day they would understand why I did the things I did. 

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Inevitable

My mum showed up at work today.

I knew it was going to happen… I knew what i had to do and I didnt blink for a second when I asked her to leave. 

I didnt blink when I saw her face change when she realised that she was never getting me back. 

I didnt blink when I opened the door for her to leave.

I didnt blink when I walked back to my desk.

And I knew it was going to happen…I knew i would question everything that happened (again) when I sat back at my desk.

Enough now.

No more…. never again. History will never repeat itself. Not now. Not ever.

Parenting life

So I realised I don’t really share my funny parenting moments here like I do on facebook. So here’s one:

Last night I washed my hair (rarely get to do this nowadays). Walk out of the bathroom to dry it and my 3 year old daughter decides she’ll help me style it. A whole lot of hairspray and COCONUT OIL later…

I’m greasy AF this morning…only on the top though… we good for the rest

šŸ˜£

Clear

It’s 14Ā° C and sunny outside. I’ve caught Pikachu (that’s right I’m almost 30 and a Pokemon Goer). The Government just gave us back a 4 digit number $$ back that they owe us and I can finally get those shoes for my son and get my kids a haircut. Maybe even splurge a little and get some Bbq wipes and tea towels for the kitchen! And some pants and jackets for the kids!

Is the mother in me showing? Sorry.

My heads been less depressed in the last couple of days than it has been in the last 3 weeks, which is also good. I’m going to cherish this because its nice to have a clear mind. 

——

In other news… I’m going to be 30 in 5 months and 1 day. Dirty 30. Dirty THIRTY 

Thirty, married for 9 years, two kids 4 and under, maybe a house (if it gets built on time) and MAYBE I’ll get to leave this job, go part time and spend more time with the kids. These are my goals. I don’t know how I turned into such a parent but somehow I have and I am actually okay with it. I dont even want to go back to my single life. It was boring and complicated and confusing anyway. 

No Manuals

I need to know how to react to something, otherwise I won’t know what to do. Everything I know is learnt…. there is no originality here whatsoever.

The problem is…. my life is quite…. unique so an answer to some of the questions my brain asks me is hard to find. Some originality is needed most of the time.

I was the only one in my circle of friends to be bullied
I was the only one to go through a crisis of having a drug addict in the family
I was the only one to get forced married
I was the first one TO get married
I am the only one to go through the pain of being told that I could not have children
I am the first one to have kids
I am the only one that I know of that have parents who blatantly dislike me…. very much

I feel like I am the only one with so much drama in my life day in and day out that I just cannot talk to anyone. Because no one will understand how hard it is to move on from these situations…. and then when you finally do move one another one hits you like a ton of bricks…. one after another… theres always been something.

I know I can do this. I know I’ll make it. I know I won’t give into this depression but I don’t know if I’ll ever let myself be happy and that scares me.

Fight or flight

Do you ever feel disconnected from the whole world?

Like it wont matter if you stay or you go. Like it wont matter if you cared or you didnt. Like you just can’t be bothered to even try because you already know you won’t be happy with the outcome?

I always keep coming back to one thing – I need a break from my family. Yea I know that makes me sound like a bad mother. It is this taboo thing to say that you need a break from your kids. I am just going to make that statement a little bit worse by saying – If i take a break, if I ever do get the chance to take a break, I am not sure I will be willing to come back. I know that sounds bad. I cannot tell you why I feel this way.

Maybe it is just as easy and simple as I just didnt have enough days off after having my kids. Maybe I went back to work too quickly. Maybe I just work too hard and not enough relaxing with my kids. Or Maybe it’s not that simple and I… and its hard for me to say this because it feels like admitting to something very real… or maybe this is me realising I made a mistake by choosing this life and I’m running away. Maybe this is me trying to start my life again.

I don’t know what I’m doing and i am a lost little … woman? Mother? Bitch? Devil?

Whatever
Whatever

I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in weeks

Reflection

I started writing a post a week ago about what my husband did one night when the kids were more trouble than they should have been.

As I was writing the post I realised that there were somethings that I did that night that were pretty childish. My mind immediately started making excuses for being childish..

Well I wouldn’t be this way if it wasn’t for. …

But then I knew that was ridiculous because no matter what happened to me… I have a choice not to be a bitch or just plain immature.

Anyway before I could finish that post… things got in the way and I forgot about it.

Yesterday my husband and I had our counselling session and it was full on.  A part of me felt like she was picking on me but a tiny part of me knew she was right.  Again my brain started making excuses… well she’s a shitty counselor anyway

No she’s not.  She is right. 

I need to stop blaming people.  Yes it was their fault but no you didn’t have to react that way.  Yes it is a scary thought that people might take advantage of you if are nice to them but that is on them.  NOT YOU. 

Its going to be a long road ahead.  For a long time I kept telling myself that I need to stay alive and sane for my kids but that’s not true. ..

I need to stay alive and sane for me.  ME. Because I can’t let the past define who I am. 

The whole truth and nothing but the truth

I have been trying to write the third part of my story for a long time now but the truth is I am not the type to sit down, think about it and then put it into words. Good or bad, emotions drive me so that’s exactly what I am going to do. Just let the emotions write the last part of my story.

The whole reason I started this blog is because I needed someone to hear my story and validate it, to say … “man oh man that’s tough!” Yea I know how it sounds like… like I was just looking for attention? But I was… I AM! And this is why…
Part 1 here
Part 2 here

A few months after my wedding, things in my parents house was getting unbearable. There was an argument that broke out between my parents and I and this was the first one we had had since my sister left the house. So it was BIG. In my moment of anger I asked my mum If she remembered the day I told her about my uncle. Mind you, we don’t talk about anything taboo in my family and in my question to her, I never specified which uncle or what day.

Mum says “Yea, I do. You were around 6. You were wearing your light pink dress, you were standing in the lounge and I was sitting in the dining room with your grandmother… you told me he touched you”

Continue reading The whole truth and nothing but the truth

Nothing

You know those movies that have this mother figure, that was never there for the kids. When she was there she was great but she was battling something else. So she runs away. One kid ends up hating the mother and the other kids ends up searching for the mother, only to be disappointed in the end.

I feel like I’m that mother.

I am trying so hard to be there for my kids. But it is becoming clear, more and more each day, that I am not right for them.

I think I have been using band aids all my life to try and fix what was broken. Honestly, I think my kids were a type of band aid for me to try and fix a broken marriage. I think they were thatĀ love that I had been craving all my life (Indian arranged marriage cliche anyone?) But kids only mimic what you do, and it’s kind of hard to keep up an appearance of love when you are not getting it yourself.

I keep thinking, if I run away, they are still too young, they will learn to live with it. It’s harder to watch them get hurt every time I have an episode, but then I think.. What if I want to come back someday… what happens then?

To be honest, I don’t know if what I am feeling is depression. I have never been officially diagnosed. I am too scared to be officially diagnosed, because if I do, then it’s just another excuse for family around me to tell me how insignificant I am.

I cannot, I CANNOT, see anything happy around me. Nothing. Not even my kids.I only see fake, made up happiness around me that was done to mask whatever bad deed that was done before. I don’t see love around me, I only see selfish people using the name of love to get what they want from others. I definitely don’t see peace, I don’t think any of us do. All I see is ignorance.

I have been here before, the last time, it took me months to ignore these thoughts and move on to whatever hope I had left. The last time this happened, I had a baby to mask the thoughts of death.

This time around, I have kids, who are hurt because of me and I am running out of time. I don’t have months to fix myself, Months means the kids would be hurting for all of those months. I cannot mask it either, because it is just going to come back stronger than it is now.

But I have no support to help me either.Ā 

I don’t think I am going to make it this time.Ā 

Daily Update #2

This is going to be a mothers rant.

I’ve warned you

I have an almost 3 year old daughter and an almost 1 year old son. Yes, that’s right – 2 under 3. For awhile it was 2 under 2.

Don’t do my mistake – Unless you have a nanny and can take 2 years off work and are willing to live in a cluttered house. Case in point:

clutter

When my kids don’t eat properly, they don’t sleep. When they don’t sleep, they go hyper. When they go hyper – they fight, they cry, they chuck tantrums and are generally just like, for lack of a better word, babies! Now imagine 8 hours of just this, all weekend.

Can’t wait for Monday, where I can go sit on my chair at work and stare at a computer screen that doesn’t demand for me to make it a watermelon, carrot pie and then refuse to eat it.

My writing updates are going well, the second part is taking longer because IĀ don’t have time for one and secondly, I cannot get my head in the right space. I keep adding in too much detail and as complicated my life was is, I don’t want to confuse the reader. I need to make sure I have an end goal to that part of the story and ensure from the very beginning I take the reader the right way.

I am having to read everything over and over again and making so much changes. But it’s all therapeutic in a way. The more IĀ read it and the more IĀ write, IĀ am feeling relieved.

And the whole point of this WordPress Blog was to have a positive way to get the negative out.