I’ve done it

It is quite obvious to me now that I have only ever wanted one thing in my life – leave it. I never realised that this is what I wanted, denial is an incredible thing. I am 30 years old now and you could even say I have been in denial/ not realising for more than 2 decades.

It explains the depression, the need to do something but not knowing what it is, the suicide attempt, the constant questioning of everything I ever did because I never really knew myself, the fact that I never really knew myself…. just everything. I went through all of this because I was stuck in place that just wasn’t right for me. Nothing I did could fix it because no one can change the environment they live in. The only thing they can do is leave it.

My favourite song growing up was the old Ugly duckling song from Timless tales.

I mean at the age of 9 I was obsessed with it and cried everytime I heard that song. I never got into any of the princesses. Just that duckling. A few years later Anastasia came out. I read up on her before i watched the movie – family betrayed and killed and she makes it out on her own. I used to think WOW what a badass! I was incredible annoyed when I watched the movie because it was just so princessy. My mate growing up was the little papaya tree in the garden that mum said would die soon… so I would go and talk to it everyday after school. How obvious can it get that I was trying to flee from my family? That I was attracted to the things that had no one and weren’t loved?

There are moments though, my mum laughing when I told her I wanted to just please her but I get so tired, her hugging me and telling me all she wanted was for me to get good grades. Sleeping on her lap some afternoons, her running her fingers through my hair. My dad teaching me to tie my shoe laces and feeding my sister and I breakfast… it was all little moments in my life where I thought to myself “see its not so bad. This is all you need”

It didnt take much for those hugs and those cuddles to stop. I can’t remember my sister and my dad in most of my memories. But then I found faith through my grandma. She would tell me stories from the Bible and teach me songs and once again I had family. Someone to rely on… so denial… once again. “Im fine, this is all I need”. Even in the Bible… Joseph is my favorite character. The one with the 11 brothers. Betrayed and sold as a slave, he becomes a pharoah and saves his family. Ha!

The signs were all there.

But it took 2 decades of this constant back and forth and FINALLY for me to see my parents watching TV while my 1 year old son bleeding on the floor for me to realise “I am not supposed to be here. I need to get out”

I had to get out.

I stand here at the bus stop now. It is 6.10am, Tuesday the 11th of April 2017. A year after I finally did it. It is freezing cold morning here in Sydney. I have just said goodbye to my kids and walked out of the house my husband and I built. And this is my view

For anyone who is reading. This is a house in a construction zone. Just another house. I mean there is rubbish everywhere and bricks still strewn about in the front lawn.

To me, this was my ticket out. Away from a horrible life that was suffocating me since before I can remember. This is hope, that leaving a life doesnt have to mean killing myself but just simply walking away. This is my blood. My sweat. My tears. 30 years in the making. Its not much but its all I have and it’s more of a start than I had hoped for. If I believed in God I would thank him for bringing me finally to this state of mind. Where I know why things happened the way they did.

For those of you who have been following my blog. This is it. I cannot explain anything that happened to me before my marriage but I know now I wasn’t forced to marry. I needed to marry him. I needed to see my in laws working together to know what a family is supposed to be like.  My kids were not accidents. I needed my daughter to be my pillar of stronghold at a time of utter betrayal. I needed my son to be my positivity at a time when all I could see was death and destruction.

I do not believe in God because I don’t understand why I had to have such parents to begin with. But I believe now If he is true, he might have actually paved a way for me to get out of it long before I even realised.

Nothing

You know those movies that have this mother figure, that was never there for the kids. When she was there she was great but she was battling something else. So she runs away. One kid ends up hating the mother and the other kids ends up searching for the mother, only to be disappointed in the end.

I feel like I’m that mother.

I am trying so hard to be there for my kids. But it is becoming clear, more and more each day, that I am not right for them.

I think I have been using band aids all my life to try and fix what was broken. Honestly, I think my kids were a type of band aid for me to try and fix a broken marriage. I think they were that love that I had been craving all my life (Indian arranged marriage cliche anyone?) But kids only mimic what you do, and it’s kind of hard to keep up an appearance of love when you are not getting it yourself.

I keep thinking, if I run away, they are still too young, they will learn to live with it. It’s harder to watch them get hurt every time I have an episode, but then I think.. What if I want to come back someday… what happens then?

To be honest, I don’t know if what I am feeling is depression. I have never been officially diagnosed. I am too scared to be officially diagnosed, because if I do, then it’s just another excuse for family around me to tell me how insignificant I am.

I cannot, I CANNOT, see anything happy around me. Nothing. Not even my kids.I only see fake, made up happiness around me that was done to mask whatever bad deed that was done before. I don’t see love around me, I only see selfish people using the name of love to get what they want from others. I definitely don’t see peace, I don’t think any of us do. All I see is ignorance.

I have been here before, the last time, it took me months to ignore these thoughts and move on to whatever hope I had left. The last time this happened, I had a baby to mask the thoughts of death.

This time around, I have kids, who are hurt because of me and I am running out of time. I don’t have months to fix myself, Months means the kids would be hurting for all of those months. I cannot mask it either, because it is just going to come back stronger than it is now.

But I have no support to help me either. 

I don’t think I am going to make it this time.