Please show me the way to get this relationship right

Luke 1 26 to 38

Be more mindful

How to love without looking for loyalty

Work with my husband

Not to judge

Work more on my friendzone skills

No swearing

No bitching

Be more organised at home

Be okay with change of plans

Less angry

Meditate on the Bible

I had this thought….

I am not a good person. I scream. I am short tempered. I get angry. Im never satisfied. Im selfish. Im not great at my job. Etc etc

I cant find love. All i have been doing is looking for it and i cant find it. I miss my parents…. or rather the idea of them. I know if i go back i still wont get the love i need. Ill just end up feeling more lonely if i go back.

Everytime I see people all i can think is… god what crap are you going through or how can you be so happy?

Everytime i interact with them there is always this constant thought that I am not good enough or that think they would never understand. I come with a lot of baggage… i cant drag them into it. I push people away and when they dont try harder to get to know me i tell myself i was right to push them away because they didnt try harder.

I cant find love because i am too scared to find love. Im scared its going to disappoint me so i disappoint before it even has a chance to get near me.

Im rude because i dont want you to like me but i do. I want you to fall in love woth me. Like we are best friends and cannot be separated. Like you cant live without me and everytime you come home you want to kiss me or me being born was the best thing ever because i make you proud of everything i have achieved.

But i dont have enough money or time to spend with a best friend. I have a husband who is comfortable without me and my parents are …. well they rejected me a long time ago.

Dear Jo,

I am not quite sure why you are angry this week. Or why you scream all the time. I know the cards dealt for you weren’t exactly great but you shouldn’t have to act this way because of it. That feeling in your chest of something pushing down on your heart will go away if you stopped acting this way.

Its been a while since I wrote. I’ve had a pretty good run in the last few months since I started talking to my sister. But this week… well I know my biggest issue right now is money so the other things seem worse but this one problem has brought into light all the other problems that my husband and I had pretended never existed.

It hurts everytime I realise that there is no one really in my life that loves me. That I will never have this opportunity to find it. Not even a friendship because I dont trust myself. I will screw it up somehow. There is always going to be this voice in my head that reminds me that no one loves me and no one ever will so I pull back before I have a chance.
———–

4th Jan 2018

I am having issues getting motivated. I look at my kitchen and it’s a mess. Everything I cleaned up 2 days ago meant nothing because it looks exactly the same. The Laundry smells so bad because I havent had time to even get to the kitty litter. I have half cleaned the kids room to make room for chelsea but there is so much more to do in that room with the curtains and the drawers i feel dejected before I even get to it. the kids havent had anything to eat because they keep saying no to everything i give them so i just dont bother feeding them.

The best part is I know ill be the only one to eventually do it. Sabeesh will come in. walk around and wipe the floors and tell everyone that he cleans the house all the time.

Being me

i just want a couple of people to die or at the very least leave me so i can be myself without having to apologise for being me or worrying about ruining their lives by being me.

Apparently my personality is so bad, it ruins people’s lives

I’ve got to be able to make money off being the worst human being in the world somehow?

Or is that how a horrid human being would think?

Oh well 🤷‍♀️

Genesis 1

Before Bible starts talking about us, it focuses on God.

It’s all about him

He had no competition (not like Thor)

All verses starts with God. No peers No rivals

Isaiah – He will not share his glory with another

Theres no evidence presented through the whole text. it is just “here it is”

The Chapter is ordered. Moses wrote it to show there is order to everything God does there is a purpose.

Not chronological order – day 1 light and day. day 4 its moon and sun etc. 1 2 3 space. 4 5 6 fills space. (could it be that he did the space and then did living things)

God is not part of creation – He was there in the begining. hes outside creation.

How did he create? Simply speaks. ( Like Father Like son – Jesus calms storms by speaking).

Moses wrote Genesis (16BC) to prove the people of the time and the ancient cultures (babylonian creation) that there is one God without Chaos, calmly and not to show you how.

There are 2 days he doesnt say “it was good”. one when Man was created and the other the 2nd day – which is a Monday.

Everything God created was good. but we make it bad. for eg purpose of knife.

Isaiah 56 – 26? gods word is powerful.

Verse 1 – He created from absolute starting point (Heavens and the Earth) Does this mean its an act of Grace. He is the God of everything we can see and cant see. Physical and Spiritual (demons and Angels)

Verse 2 – He brings calm to chaos.

Verse 26 – Hint of trinity – spirit of God. Let US make humanity in OUR image.

Menendez Brothers

It’s been awhile. A very long while. 

The last time I was here, I was almost aethist and I was contemplating talking to my sister. 

6 months later and I got to Church every Sunday without fail. I go to my Pastors house every Friday night, without fail, for church group. I volunteer in Church activities and I even pray with my kids. My kids will be going to a Christian school next year and I might even have a Christian girl come live with us soon as a roommate. 

I also did reconnect with my sister. She came over to see us. We talked. We social media’d it and then we had a fight and I didn’t even care. At least I tried right?

I am contemplating talking to my parents but I am planning my game plan. Because you need a game plan with those ones. 
So that’s whats been happening. 

Now I just watched a doco on The Menendez Brothers. And I heard one of them say “I don’t understand why they could kill their mother”. Killing their mother makes perfect sense to me. She was actually worse than the dad. She did nothing and felt sorry for herself while she knew her kids were being molested.

She’s actually worse than him.

Why doesn’t anyone get that? It makes me so angry!!!!

These Relationships

28-02-2017

So my mum showed up at home yesterday. She came bearing gifts – bags – for my daughter. My Husband opened the door first, unfortunately the kids were with him.  I heard my him yell out my name “PROBLEM!” before I heard her voice “please,  please just listen to me” “No leave my house” he was saying while closing the door and I was running over to get the kids. I rushed them off with my husband inside the house.  It was a little bit chaotic and my son fell and started crying.  My husband carried him off and I saw my daughter was already at the end of the hallway. She didn’t look back. I heard my husband asking me not to yell just as I opened the door.

There she was. The same clothes she was wearing last time she came to see me “God doesnt she have anything else? Probably trying to play on the fact that she is heart broken. Look I’m so heart broken I haven’t even paid attention to my clothes” “Please leave or I’ll call the police” “Just take these” she says while trying to shove them through the small gap in the door. “Leave or I will call the police” Her hands began to shake and her face fell. For a second, just a second, I felt bad. I felt like the worst human being in the world. But then I saw it… her whole arm was shaking. You know like when you want to make sure people know you’re upset, you give your hands that extra little bit of a shake. I looked up to see her face and I saw the anger behind those eyes that are trying terribly hard to look sad. And my brain said “close the door” as my hands were pushing the door shut. I ran to my daughter to see if she was okay even though every part of my being just wanted to crawl into a corner. My son was playing already in the lounge room, he had no idea. My daughter looked like she had just seen a ghost. “I don’t want to leave this house mama” My husband assures her that we won’t be leaving as this is our house. “There are monsters” “No honey, Monsters can’t come inside this house, come on lets go have a bath” my husband tried to reassure her and distract her. She protested at first but when I agreed to come in with her she agreed reluctantly. That was the quietest and the quickest bath my kids have ever had. I took her to her room and started working on some writing exercises hoping to distract her, but I knew I had to acknowledge it. 

“How do you feel baby?” 

– silence – 

“happy, scared, angry or sad?” 

“Scared” 

“you dont need to be. Nothing bad can come into this house because mama wont let them in…why are you scared?”

“The fights”

“I know! Thats why we had to leave because grandma was not being nice to mama and dada and you and your brother too. Don’t you think we are happier now since we left?”

– silence-

“How do you feel now?”

“Sad”

“Why baby?”

-silence-

“I miss grandma too you know”

“Me too mama”

“But Grandma wasn’t nice to mama. Do you understand? ”

“Yes mama”

“Do you have any questions?”

“No”

“Ill always be here for you no matter what”

—-

Maybe I could have given my mum a chance. Maybe she came to apologise but I know deep down that these thoughts are coming from the child in me, still waiting for that fantasy to come true. The reality was the fake arm shake, the anger in those eyes, that all too familiar you moron look she gave me, the fact that my dad was not with her, the fact that she started saying please please quite loudly to my husband before he said anything. The fact is – she did not show up like this for my sons bday or my husbands. The fact is, my parents still think that gifts would bring me back to them. That charity money is what I need. Reality is, she went overseas, had the time of her life, bought all these gifts because she thought I’d come back to her without her having to do anything, maybe even got gifts from people that have no idea and just wanted me to have it. So it won’t go to waste. There was no love there. Just money and not wanting to waste it. And as bad as I feel now for closing the door on my mothers face for the second time, I know I made the right choice for my kids. They deserve a better role model.

————-

06-04-2017

I saw the whatsapp message first. 

The email was next and then the letter this morning.

I will leave this here and let you judge what type of person my dad is. 

———

The Cultural Difference

I am a Not quite Australian Born confused Desi.

Which basically means I was born in India but grew up in Australia so I fall into the “neither here nor there” category. There are a few of us, trust me. We don’t fit in anywhere in India because we were babies when we were there and we don’t fit in anywhere in Australia because well…. you’re “black”…OMG how do you speak english so well? 😒

I watch Bollywood movies and Hollywood Movies. I enjoy both…no not enjoy… i APPRECIATE both. I also APPRECIATE both cultures. It is however true that, in some instances, one culture in me stands out the most. For example, I don’t quite understand the Aussie dream. Not sure what it is either… go to the beach and eat a pie? Not sure? Have a beach house maybe?

 Anyway… the Indian in me screams “OH no… that’s  just lazy! How about education and a good job????” 

But it also goes the other way around… when I got married I wasn’t quite sure why I couldn’t speak to some respected family members the way I usually do. My husband’s grandfather is a very respected man in South India. He is a bad ass real estate agent (you only need to delve into the politics in India to know what this means). Everytime he walked in and out of a room people stood up and said hi to him the respectful way (put your hands together in the praying position or fall at his feet..no…really). Male… female.. babies who couldn’t walk…seriously it was insane. And then along came little ole’ me. I walk into the house to meet him for the first time and he is standing there in his traditional clothes (always wears it)

And I said “Hi”… everyone giggles like the way you giggle at a baby for doing something wrong but it’s cute. I look around at my mother in law and she asks me to fall at his feet. I said out loud “Seriously?” and she nods… so I do this awkward fall feet thing and everyone is in a silent laughter fit (even the kids!)

I was more confused than embarrassed because I had no idea why I had to do that. When I got up, he smiles at me and says “We won’t do that again. How about we just let you be you?” 

It took a few more months of me living with my mother in law for me to realise why people in India did the things they did and it made sense… most of it has a scientific reasoning behind it… some of it just a matter of respect. None the less I came out of that experience thinking I knew who I was and where I fit. 

9 years later….

I was rewatching Kal Ho Na Ho. For those of you who don’t know what this is… please do Google it. There are some really fantastic videos out there that I cannot access due to copyright issues.

It is a story about a boy who is about to die meets a girl and they fall in love but her best friend is also in love with her. When she comes to tell the boy that they should go out…he says no and instead sets her up with the best friend and they live happily ever after. Except for the boy….he dies.

I asked an aussie mate of mine what she would do if she was the one that was dying and had to make a choice. Would she set her love up with someone else or be selfish? And she said to me “I would make the person I like make the choice” 

This blew my mind. 

In all my years of watching and rewatching this movie I never EVER thought about this choice. What about the girl and what she wants? The Indian in me came out and just said well he did whats best for her. He gave up his love so she would be happy isn’t that sweet? But how could I think this when I have been in kind of the same situation?? I have been forced into a marriage because people thought that was what was best for me. They never made me make a choice and here I am thinking it is okay for another (fictional) girl!!!!! I am quite shocked at myself. 

I won’t deny that there is a difference in the way women are treated in India. You walk behind a girl not hand in hand, because you can keep an eye and make sure no one touches her inappropriately while you’re walking down the street. It’s just something you do. Not taught, it’s just natural now. This is not necessarily a dominance thing for the male population as some would make you believe. It’s just as hard for them because they have this duty to forever be the “manly” one. Until recently men were not allowed in the labour ward. Can you imagine that? Not being able to watch your baby being born? 
Maybe it’s just a matter of which characters percpective you watch the movie from and not really a cultural thing. (We can argue that one’s percpective is influenced by their culture).

Whatever it is percpective or cultural difference… the fact that I never thought about the girl just threw me off. 

I am 30 years old but I am still learning so much about myself. Growing up I thought I’d know it all by 30. Now I know the people who taught me when I was younger had no idea what they were doing either.