The whole truth and nothing but the truth

I have been trying to write the third part of my story for a long time now but the truth is I am not the type to sit down, think about it and then put it into words. Good or bad, emotions drive me so that’s exactly what I am going to do. Just let the emotions write the last part of my story.

The whole reason I started this blog is because I needed someone to hear my story and validate it, to say … “man oh man that’s tough!” Yea I know how it sounds like… like I was just looking for attention? But I was… I AM! And this is why…
Part 1 here
Part 2 here

A few months after my wedding, things in my parents house was getting unbearable. There was an argument that broke out between my parents and I and this was the first one we had had since my sister left the house. So it was BIG. In my moment of anger I asked my mum If she remembered the day I told her about my uncle. Mind you, we don’t talk about anything taboo in my family and in my question to her, I never specified which uncle or what day.

Mum says “Yea, I do. You were around 6. You were wearing your light pink dress, you were standing in the lounge and I was sitting in the dining room with your grandmother… you told me he touched you”

Continue reading The whole truth and nothing but the truth


Being me

i just want a couple of people to die or at the very least leave me so i can be myself without having to apologise for being me or worrying about ruining their lives by being me.

Apparently my personality is so bad, it ruins people’s lives

I’ve got to be able to make money off being the worst human being in the world somehow?

Or is that how a horrid human being would think?

Oh well 🤷‍♀️

Genesis 1

Before Bible starts talking about us, it focuses on God.

It’s all about him

He had no competition (not like Thor)

All verses starts with God. No peers No rivals

Isaiah – He will not share his glory with another

Theres no evidence presented through the whole text. it is just “here it is”

The Chapter is ordered. Moses wrote it to show there is order to everything God does there is a purpose.

Not chronological order – day 1 light and day. day 4 its moon and sun etc. 1 2 3 space. 4 5 6 fills space. (could it be that he did the space and then did living things)

God is not part of creation – He was there in the begining. hes outside creation.

How did he create? Simply speaks. ( Like Father Like son – Jesus calms storms by speaking).

Moses wrote Genesis (16BC) to prove the people of the time and the ancient cultures (babylonian creation) that there is one God without Chaos, calmly and not to show you how.

There are 2 days he doesnt say “it was good”. one when Man was created and the other the 2nd day – which is a Monday.

Everything God created was good. but we make it bad. for eg purpose of knife.

Isaiah 56 – 26? gods word is powerful.

Verse 1 – He created from absolute starting point (Heavens and the Earth) Does this mean its an act of Grace. He is the God of everything we can see and cant see. Physical and Spiritual (demons and Angels)

Verse 2 – He brings calm to chaos.

Verse 26 – Hint of trinity – spirit of God. Let US make humanity in OUR image.

Menendez Brothers

It’s been awhile. A very long while. 

The last time I was here, I was almost aethist and I was contemplating talking to my sister. 

6 months later and I got to Church every Sunday without fail. I go to my Pastors house every Friday night, without fail, for church group. I volunteer in Church activities and I even pray with my kids. My kids will be going to a Christian school next year and I might even have a Christian girl come live with us soon as a roommate. 

I also did reconnect with my sister. She came over to see us. We talked. We social media’d it and then we had a fight and I didn’t even care. At least I tried right?

I am contemplating talking to my parents but I am planning my game plan. Because you need a game plan with those ones. 
So that’s whats been happening. 

Now I just watched a doco on The Menendez Brothers. And I heard one of them say “I don’t understand why they could kill their mother”. Killing their mother makes perfect sense to me. She was actually worse than the dad. She did nothing and felt sorry for herself while she knew her kids were being molested.

She’s actually worse than him.

Why doesn’t anyone get that? It makes me so angry!!!!


Happiness is not a feeling

It’s an ability

– Dan in Real Life

When your Best friend has moved away

But even if she was here, she wouldnt have been able to help

When your mother is just non-existent and so is dad

When your siblings keep a distance

And your partner too

You can’t help but think “what did I do?”

I have realised that I could fill a small room full of people who will love me and miss me if I am gone. Yet, none of those people really know me. 

There are ones that see me as an adviser, and others that see me as clown, there are ones that see me as stubborn and others, blunt. I am always just one part of a whole to all of these people. 

I guess this is why people need families. Because they know you as a whole and accept you none the less. But, No such luck for me.

I am extremely and utterly lonely and these thoughts of wanting to run away or just not be here  anymore have come back and is starting to sound good again. 

I keep thinking back to this one day where i’d just had enough of life. My parents had locked me in the house for a month already and I pushed all my friends away because I knew no one would understand a family going through drug issues. I walked around the house one day when my parents had gone shopping and picked up whatever pill I could find. My parents blood pressure pills, various codine and ibuprofens and paracetamols and anti bacterials and glaucoma meds. Anything I could find. Roughly about 15 to 20 of them. I waited till everyone went to sleep and I laid them out on the table. At first, I swallowed them 2 by 2 and it was almost therapeutic… but then as the pile got smaller I started panicking. I didn’t stop though and kept going. I finished it all. I fell asleep almost straight away and my last thought was a little prayer for me to wake up again. “Sorry I did this God” I thought. 

I woke up the next day, almost in the afternoon. I had an unbelievable stomach ache for the next week that I silently endured. But I was both relieved and miserable that I was awake. 

I had not tried to kill myself since. 

For the sake of my kids, I probably won’t ever again. So I keep thinking… this is it. This is me until I die. Lonely, no one to share a thing with. Just a working mum who could never be happy her entire life.

I am so wasted here.

Dedicated to my Algebra Teacher

I was 13 when I moved to Australia. Before then, I had lived in the same house, on the same street with the same neighbours and went to the same school in India since I was about 2 or 3 years old. Leaving my friends whom I had known since 2 was difficult to say the least. Some of them I had known since before we could even walk or talk.  There were about 5 of us who all grew up together and we were all the “teachers kids”. We would spend the hours before and after school together. Each ones mum would take turns feeding us breakfast or dinner because every single one of our mothers worked overtime. 

My very first best friend, lets call her AJ, she has always been with me. Through sickness and in health. We’ve had our falling outs and we have grown apart but yet the few times we did say hello over the years since I moved to Australia it has been as though we’ve never left each others side. While I might not feel the same way or connection with her at times, shes always been proud of me. I know that. 

Her mum, Mrs. A, was the first person to feed me other than my mum or dad. Her mum always had a smile on her face. She was also my maths teacher in year 8. She was the first one to introduce me to the world of Algebra. I.HATED.IT. 

I used to sleep in her class, whinge, make witty comments. Honestly I have no idea how I passed her class. I have a funny feeling she might have tweeked my grades a little bit. 

On April 30th 2017, Mrs. A passed away. I hadn’t seen her in decades. I was not there when she got sick, I was not there when she was struggling with her sickness, I was not there when AJ was struggling with her moms sickness, I was not there in the last few days when she looked like she was getting better and I was not there when she fell asleep and never woke up. 

I called AJ yesterday and she told me that her mum would keep asking about my kids and ask to see them and ask what silly things they have been upto during the last few days. 

I have no idea why. And it’s weird to know that someone out there, even though it’s been decades, thought of me enough to care what my kids are doing. 

Maybe it’s  a teacher thing.

To all you teachers out there. Keep doing what you’re doing. It honestly saves lives. 

A Look Back

I’ve been thinking about my parents lately. It’s officially been a year since I walked away from my entire family and I guess I am just re-analysing everything. 

Did I make the right decision to walk away?

I am still standing on a big YES when it comes to my mum and dad. I even thought about what I would do if I heard news of one of them passing away. I guess I would be sad but not because they are gone but because they never understood me and what I wanted from them before they passed. I have even wondered if they would go to heaven or hell (if one believes in such things of course) and as much as I cannot judge (For all I know I could be going to hell for kicking my 65 yr old dad and punching him on his head) I hope they realise the full potential of the Bible before they pass, and not just pick and choose what fits them. On the opposite spectrum, I have even wished they would pass quickly so I don’t have to keep wondering if they would ever come back and say they are sorry. It’s all a bit bittersweet for me still. 

My sister, on the other hand, I am wondering if things have settled enough to go back and reconnect with her. A part of me is scared that she is still going to ask me to “get over it” as she so nicely put it the last time we spoke. Yet a part of me also realises that I never really gave her a chance. The biggest reason I stopped all connection with her is because she was a direct link to my parents, which means all my “updates” will go to my parents and I didnt want them to have the satisfaction of knowing I am alright. 

I wonder if I explain to her the reason why she might understand but I am still scared that she might not. And honestly I am not sure if I am willing to put myself through the pain of realising that I am truly alone in this world. 

I guess it’s just a conversation I need to have with my husband because he is just as much a part of this drama whether I want it or not. 

I’ve also taught about what I will tell my kids. My daughter is already asking the question of who my mum and dad are. She’s already forgotten my dad and thinks I never had a dad. I don’t think she’ll ever forget my mum but for now she thinks she doesn’t see her anymore because “Grandma doesn’t like us”. I’ve prepared conversations in my head of what I’ll tell my kids when they are older and leave it upto them whether they want to talk to them or not. It’s all I can do. 

All in all though,  this  peace that I feel right now of making my own decisions or even something as simple as cleaning my own bathroom whenever I wanted and not having this voice in my head constantly telling me what a horrible person I am for not cleaning my house is nice. Its made me rely on myself more and grow more confident. 


This is me relating to a Disney Song

**When I started uni after my parents locked me in the house for 5 weeks**

The window is open!
So’s that door!
I didn’t know they did that anymore!
Who knew we owned eight thousand salad plates?

For years I’ve roamed these empty halls
Why have a ballroom with no balls?
Finally they’re opening up the gates!

There’ll be actual real live people
It’ll be totally strange
But wow! Am I so ready for this change

‘Cause for the first time in forever
There’ll be music, there’ll be light!
For the first time in forever
I’ll be dancing through the night
Don’t know if I’m elated or gassy
But I’m somewhere in that zone!
‘Cause for the first time in forever
I won’t be alone

I can’t wait to meet everyone!
What if I meet. The one?

Tonight, imagine me gown and all
Fetchingly draped against the wall
The picture of sophisticated grace

**When I met my ex**

I suddenly see him standing there
A beautiful stranger, tall and fair
I wanna stuff some chocolate in my face!

But then we laugh and talk all evening
Which is totally bizarre
Nothing like the life I’ve lead so far!

For the first time in forever
There’ll be magic, there’ll be fun!
For the first time in forever
I could be noticed by someone
And I know it is totally crazy
To dream I’d find romance
But for the first time in forever
At least I’ve got a chance!

**When I was walking down the aisle to marry a stranger**

Don’t let them in
Don’t let them see
Be the good girl
You always have to be
Don’t feel
Put on a show
Make one wrong move
And everyone will know

But it’s only for today

It’s only for today!

It’s agony to wait

It’s agony to wait!

Tell the guards to open up the gate!

The gate!
For the first time in forever

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see

I’m getting what I’m dreaming of!

Be the good girl you always have to be

A chance to change my lonely world


A chance to find true love!

Conceal, don’t feel
Don’t let them know

I know it all ends tomorrow
So it has to be today!
‘Cause for the first time in forever
For the first time in forever
Nothing’s in my way!

#frozen #thankyoudisney

Three posts in a day… Yes yes I know!

A middle class working Mother’s wish.

I made a Mummy friend.

We don’t know many people with kids. Infact we only know one family and they live quite far away so it’s only the birthdays and special occasions we meet up and they are close friends but the distance makes catching up a bit hard to do. 

My daughter went to her “first” birthday for a kid at her childcare. It was rather exciting for me because I never thought I’d get to be one of those you know, drop off the kids, chat to the moms around the playground kind of mum. I am a through and through working mum. I wake up the kids, kiss them goodbye and head out the door at 6am and I come home 630 – 7pm spend 30 -60 minutes with them giving them a bath and putting them to bed. A Working mother. I have never seen my daughter interact with other kids. I only know how to say her friends and teachers names through her baby accent. So being invited and having a chance to interact with other moms and see how my daughter fairs with other kids was exciting. Turns out I was the only mom who worked all day, everyday. Of course, I think I knew that. I thought when the other moms started talking together and complaining about their lives I would feel jealous/ roll my eyes but it was nice. It was a general “I am here for my kid rather be home folding the laundry” kind of attitude (lol).

Anyway, I started small talk with this young mom and she was just as shy as I was and the conversation didn’t lead anywhere so I just sat, looking around. My daughter had completely disappeared into a pool of giggling kids and I ended up in this room with colouring activities and my daughters left over burger. I see these two mums come in and start chatting and I kind of joined in on the conversation and turns out one of the moms, who also happens to be my daughters “best friends” (do 4 year olds know what best friend is?) mom, lived right behind my house! What are the chances! And the one thing that has never happened to me before happened – she asked for my number. 

It wasn’t a, you know, ugh I Have to get your number now type of thing. It was a genuine, I want to get to know you better, lets be friends! type of thing. And when I got home after the party, I had a message from her! So exciting. I got my kids dressed convinced my husband to smile and off we went for a 2 second walk behind my house to meet them for dinner. As I was walking, I realised that I was doing something that I never thought I would do. Something normal. There were no dramas. I made this friend on my own. I wasnt forced to make this friend or do it because my parents know them somehow. This is me interacting with humans ON MY OWN… and without drama. Not because I want someone in my life to love me but because its normal. This is what normal people do, they go to parties and make friends and go to dinner parties, talk about their kids and their life and work over a couple of bottles of wine and good food while the kids run up and down the house playing. This was a moment in my life that was going to go down in history. 

I have since gone over twice, and now she is my walking buddy in the morning. No agenda, no drama. Just what normal people do. 

I never thought I’d get here you know. And even though there is still a voice in the back of my head that’s saying “it’s not going to last long” and “don’t screw it up”. I am going to try hard to keep this. I want my kids to grow up normal. No pedaphiles, no rapist, no jail and drug drama. All they are going to see is neighbours who are kind. Family who is middle class. That’s it. That’s all I want. 

A boring life.

What makes a Christian

*****I know there are extremeists in every religion but this post is going to focus on the opposite of extreme.******'_Church,_Vepery
I used to go here when I was a baby. My very first church

Every religion has a thing. Buddhists are known to be peaceful. Hindus- mythical stories like the greeks. Muslims- never wavering beliefs and the strength to keep at it. Christians on the other hand, in the century I have been living in at least, have always been the quiet ones. They all seem to be in their own little happy world. Like a clique that you can get into but you always seem to be the one who is missing the point of every conversation. You don’t hear on the news that a Christian was killed so the pastors of the world had something to say about it. You know? Everyone cares if its a catholic or hindu priest or a buddhist monk or a muslim imam but no one cares if its a christian pastor. You have the odd idiot quoting the Bible to get into politics. But I am not talking about that, I am talking about what happens when you hear a missionary was killed or a nun was raped (just look into Indian News….it’s all there)

I have seen and know too much to not leave Christianity altogether. But then I have also seen too much to stay with it completely.

I go to church every week now with the family. We even went over for dinner to the pastors house once. 

I want to know what these people have that make them so happy and smiley and full of positivity. What do they do when they know that there is no one in this world that loves them? Perhaps I am missing something and I have in the last 30 years of being a “christian” and I just need to find out what it is.

They always seem to be smiling and sure that God will give them what they need and content with what they have now. How can you be like that? What do they know that we are missing? Some kind of secret karma place in their minds that we haven’t seem to have tapped into? A happy gas perhaps? Is it just plain ignorance maybe? What is it?