Family

So my husband had a seizure this morning and this is a list of my thoughts when he was flailing like a fish out of water:

What the fuck?

Ambulance!

Mum…no…Kids!

Shit! The kids! 

****calling ambulance**** mum need mum… no no no 

How am I gonna do this alone? Whats the number for ambulance? Dammit just type! “NSW AMBULANCE PLEASE!” 

it’s okay the paramedics should know what to do.

—–

My husband woke up 3 hours later and told me off for calling the ambulance. I came back to the hospital an hour after that to find him unconscious on his bed and the doctor says “well it’s good you called the ambulance cuz he just had another seizure 10 minutes ago. I’ve knocked him out”

When I heard the doctor tell me that, I just wanted a hug from anybody. I would have taken anything just to feel safe. But I don’t have anyone. I kept looking through my phone to see if I can call someone but my best friend moved overseas, her mum has a father who is sick anyway and my in laws are overseas.

I have no family. So I called work and told them I won’t be coming. I called the baby sitter and said she might have to look after the kids a little longer. I called my husbands work and lied that he fell out of bed and I am sitting here now….completely alone hoping he doesn’t have another seizure and wondering if it is safe for the kids to be around him right now.

Its just the 2 of us though.

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Films

I am at home sick today and decided to binge watch “How to get away with a murder”.

To some of you that have kind of bothered to read my blog from the beginning would know that my story is a unique one. Which is why, sometimes I find it hard to digest it all because I don’t know of anyone or even heard stories about people who have gone through the same things that I have.

So there I am watching HTGAWM and this plot line hits me out of nowhere, the Lawyer, sets her boyfriend up for her husbands murder and calls her Mom (who she supposedly haven’t had contact with in years) to stay with her at her time of extreme Vulnerability. At a time where she has no one.

At first it just seems like a normal, mother daughter whinging fight and then they show you the truth and it kind of took me by surprise. Not because the plot was so good I didn’t see that coming but because, the relationship between them was exactly the relationship between my Mom and I and I didn’t see that coming.

htgawmcicely

It is my general assumption, that for a plot to be in a movie or TV show, there has to be some of kind of truth to it. Or it has happened somewhere and they just exaggerate a little for the movie. So this relationship between the Mother and Daughter must be true somewhere, otherwise who would think of this shit?

Someone out there has a Mom, just like mine, who knew their daughter was abused but did nothing. Just ignored it, hoping it would go away. And somewhere, there is a daughter, just like me, who had the same reaction as I did. Hate for their own Mother but wanting to feel the Love they hope they’ll get someday but secretly know will never come. Someone, somewhere, has the same parents as I do, where food and shelter and education is more important than Love.

That made me feel better, I know I am not alone. There are people out there with the same fucked up parents as I have.

Of course they finished the story off to say that the Mother did kill the Daughter’s abuser in the end. But that’s Movies, Fairy tales. This is reality. So my Mother talks to my abuser everyday as if it is the most normal thing in the world. She would even throw me under the bus, if it means to protect him. Reality. Its a bitch.

I also watched Bad Moms the other night and there is this scene where all the Moms are talking about what they would love to do for one day and Kristen Bell’s character says “I sometimes wish i get into an accident on the way to pick up my kids, not like a major one with fire and stuff but like a little one and they take me to the hospital and the nurse’s look after me and i get to eat Jello all day and just get pampered” … or something along those lines. All the other characters look at her horrified and there I was thinking sitting in my seat “Don’t worry Kristen, I’ve felt that way too, too many times”

I’m Crazy AF ya’ll

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And on that note

 

I bid you adieu

 

Run away

I love my car because I can just drive anywhere I wanted and leave all my problems behind. 

I’m sitting in my car right now, outside my house because….. because inside the house I have to face my kids who have just witnessed their mother have an angry meltdown. So i sit here pretending I’m on my way somewhere where I can be alone and peaceful.

Can’t buy my love

This came for me today along with flowers and chocolates (currently in the bin)

These are the reasons why I don’t give a shit:

1. “We hope everything is okay” no it’s  not.  You sold me to a pedafile and haven’t apologised for it or at the very least acted guilty, you forced me into marriage and then you SIGHED when i got pregnant AND you tried to separate me from my husband. .. so no everything is NOT okay. 

2. “Often in our thoughts” of…. giving you money?  You running out of money?  Your older daughter not being nice to you huh?

3. “Love” hahahahahha  yea okay

4. And the biggest joke of all “Mum and Dad” Sure. 

I thought I’d be emotional if I hear from my parents again.  I thought they might still hold the power to reel me back in. It’s safe to say “HELL FUCKING NO”
EDIT: Also can I just add, this proves that they think I am not capable of making my own decisions and hence think I am currently estranged from them because of my husband.  NO GUYS I’m estranged from you because of you. 

Ok rant over 

Parenting life

So I realised I don’t really share my funny parenting moments here like I do on facebook. So here’s one:

Last night I washed my hair (rarely get to do this nowadays). Walk out of the bathroom to dry it and my 3 year old daughter decides she’ll help me style it. A whole lot of hairspray and COCONUT OIL later…

I’m greasy AF this morning…only on the top though… we good for the rest

😣

Chased

After almost 6 months of nothing my Mum has called me twice in the last 3 weeks. 

The first time,  it was 7 in the morning on a weekend and I was still in bed.  My first thought was that maybe she was in trouble so I picked up.  She asks me how I am and I stated the fact that it was 7 in the morning and I hung up. 

I walked around feeling guilty for picking up the phone call for the next week and a half. I honestly felt like I won a battle but lost the war just cuz I showed her that I cared by picking up the phone.  The whole point of moving away from my past was to show them that I didn’t care as much as the didn’t care about me.  The whole point was to show them that I won’t be there when they really needed me.  And here I was picking up the phone call cuz I thought something was wrong.  7am wasn’t that early anyway!  

I had to remind myself over and over again that the people I missed were only people I made up on my head.  They weren’t real.  Reality was them being okay with me being abused by a pedaphile. Reality was,  I hadn’t had a hug since I was 10 or 11. Reality was no I love you, it was always – I gave you food and education.

She called again yesterday when I was at work. As soon as I saw the number,  I had a panic attack.  That second of my heart stopping and my palms sweating.  The realisation that I still care hit me like a ton of bricks and my mother’s face. … 

I hope she never calls again because I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this fake bravado

This is it