Below Average

When you are poor:

You are stressed so you want to surround yourself with your mates who will make you feel better but you cant go out (no money) and you cant bring them over either because you dont have food in your house.

You dont have food in your house and you find methods to not feel that hunger in your gut or that smell in your mouth. Free biscuits and tea at work. Refill. But its not enough and your body is still starved to a certain degree so you are constantly tired and yawning. You manage to skip breakfast and blame it on lack of time, you manage to put off lunch till 2pm and you use the excuse that its busy at work… and you eat the boiled potato that you have now had for 2 weeks… by the time you go home at 6 you are starved. When you feed your kids, it take every ounce of you to stop yourself from just “tasting” their food and you hope they dont eat all of it. You dont fight them when they dont finish their plate and hastily eat over the sink, licking every morsel clean.

Repeat

You can have a house, a husbad, kids and a job and still be poor.

Welcome to Australia. It costs half our salaries to feed our families and 4 weeks worth of pay for babysitters. Its either babies or a house.

You choose.

This Mama is happy today

My daughter’s 4th birthday is coming up and we had a party for her today. My husbands cooking was probably the star of the show but By GOD I am damn proud of the cake I made. My daughter asked me 2 weeks ago to make a heart shaped pink cake with rainbows on it. I couldn’t quite get the rainbow topper, but I thought I’d put a surprise in there for her.

My daughters face when she cut the cake and the M&Ms fell out was just priceless. I know I made a memory for her that she will forever cherish and I can sleep well tonight knowing that those 6 hours I spent trying to bake and decorate this cake was completely worth it. Its not going to win baking competitions but it won my daughters heart and that is what I wanted. I even got 2 hugs and multiple kisses and Thank yous for it!

I am so damn proud of my kids. I know every parents says this and it sounds cliche but I really am. They have turned out to be better than what I wished for…and I have pretty high standards. I am so proud of my daughter especially because she is so strong. She’s a drama queen when it comes to kid things, I’ll give her that. She was a relentless picky eater until a few months ago and she always wants things NOW. “I Want it NOW Mama!” “Its taking for a long time Mama!” but shes got this side to her that I have only seen in grown woman, like the way she carries herself when she knows I am upset or if her dad is upset. Her hugs come straight from the heart and she puts her whole being into it, I cant even explain. Like a hug from your grandma, thats the only thing I can compare it to.  The way she deals with other kids in the playground when they are being mean to her or her brother. Its amazing. I am so proud.

My son wears his heart on his sleeve  I worry a lot about him because he gives his heart and when he doesn’t get it back he absolutely crushes and turns into more of an introvert than he already is . But he never lets go, He’ll try again with them, no matter how badly they hurt him. It takes some kind of strength to do that. I know he didn’t get that from me! He will do anything to make people laugh and He is just Gorgeous! My little 2 year old that came to me just to make me laugh everyday. I am so very proud!

I absolutely Love my Babies!

I normally dont like putting personal pictures up on this website. But I want to share this moment, because this was the best moment of the day for us.

 

I am not my mother.

Blabber

It is 2:19am Thursday the 26th of January. Very early in the morning on Australia day in other words.

Why I’m awake? cuz my son kicked me square in the face while we were in bed, so hard infact, that my earrings ripped out of my ear and fell across to the other side of the bed. Yep. I Screamed of course but no one woke up…of course . Who cares about mum really?  Also, I have bad indigestion and have been running from the kitchen (to have water) and the toilet all night. TMI? Maybe.   Meh

I am so going to regret not trying to sleep, in about 3 hours when my son wakes up and asks for “chokate bed mumma chokate bed” *aka Chocolate bread aka Nutella Toast.

I get the train to work now. The most exciting thing that has happened to me in awhile because I get my own time to read my books and go through blogs, something that I havent been able to do for almost 5 years now. Anyway, I came across this post this afternoon and I thought it brilliant. I have been going through looking for these people who have been through the same things that I have, since I started this blog, and here i found it right on my facebook feed

http://www.scarymommy.com/motherless-mother-mental-illness/

My mother doesnt have any Mental Illness (nothing diagnosed anyway) but everything in this article feels like, like the author saw inside my head and just wrote it down.

I wanted to message her on Facebook and tell her how much this article put me at ease to know that I am not the only one with these feelings, but I thought she might think I’m creepy? SO I am just going to rave about it in here, where Nobody (I know) would see.

I wish I could tell people in my life, how I feel. But I can never find the words. I just get angry that they dont understand…which is ridiculous because how can they without you explaining it to them?

---

This week was a good week. I have had lots of good weeks this month, which is rare. and I think I have figured out what my depression trigger is, so next month, when it does come along, I can, if i can, push it out of my mind or do something to keep it together for my kids. you know ?

Fingers crossed anyway

Woes of a working Mother

I have the flu. The kind that weakens you. I took 2 days off and I went back to work, I was still sick but I still went back and worked till 7pm. By the time I got home, I couldn’t keep my head up and almost collapsed on the train. If I was not a mother, I could have taken the whole week off and no one would have said a thing. But Alas, I have toddlers which automatically puts me in the “She’s not great at her job pool”. So you work hard. Harder than anyone else to at least be seen.

I’m back to work this morning and while getting my kids ready for school, they wanted lots of cuddles. Now getting a cuddle from my 2 yr old son is very rare and something I cherish. Any other day I would have asked him to hurry up and put his pants on cuz I was running late – no time for cuddles boy – but today I took the time to give him a cuddle and I even managed to get a “I love you mama” from him! (Super excited) and now I am 15 minutes late to work. Do I feel like this could have been avoided? Sure, I could have got up at 4:30am instead of the 5:00am I usually do. But 4:30 though…Am I looking forward to the long sigh and eye roll I will get from my boss when I apologise for running late? Nope not really. Do I regret cuddling him? Most definitely not. It was bloody worth it. Your eye roll does not compare to his “I love you”. 

I went back to work within 4 months of giving birth to my daughter and 3 months of giving birth to my son. None of which was easy. I would cry on the way to work and the guilt… oh the guilt! While all other mothers had time to get their kids to swimming classes by the time they turned 1. My kids, 4 and 2, are yet to learn that skill. My kids childcare workers know more about them, than I do. It’s not right. But then again, I can’t afford to stay at home. I have a mortage and bills to pay. So here I am. All I can do is rant…while life just keeps rolling. So I wish every morning when I wake up that my kids dont hate me for working and they turn out alright and hope one day they would understand why I did the things I did. 

Terrible Twos

A Background on my greatest Accomplishments:

My Kids are 20 months apart. Now I know it seems ridiculous when I say this in months, I could just say 2 years and get it over and done with. But I say 20 Months because those extra 4 months (or lack thereof) to make up the 2 years, makes a WHOLE lot of difference in Baby world.

Anxiety

My son’s second Birthday party is tomorrow. I have to make the cake, clean the house and make the “ice cream” (fro yo basically).

After work, I’ve cleaned 3 out of the 8 rooms that the guests could potentially be in the house. I wanted to make a cake in the shape of a bus but my bottom half has collapsed. My MIL also kept repeating how much it smelt like baking soda so now I have to make another one. I am so tired… my knees hurt,  my spinal cord and shoulders are blazing in pain (thank you to the 2 kids I gave birth to). I have managed to get my husband to leave the house with the kids to buy the ingredients for the fro yo and the sausage rolls and lollies etc.

Oh btw we still haven’t got my son a present so we gotta do that tomorrow before the party. My husband has promised to make the pasta tomorrow as well (lets see how that goes!) And I am so stressed…. all I want to do is curl up in bed and never wake up. 

But I can’t make a little cake defeat me no matter how much my brain wants me to…. This is my son’s only 2nd bday. We’ll never get this back and it’s got to be the best. I have to get that bus! I can’t just give him a chocolate cake with a bus on it….. can I?…

Ugh! I’m so tired! What good is this anyway I am going to regret everything I did or didn’t do or didnt get to do tomorrow anyway!

Inevitable

My mum showed up at work today.

I knew it was going to happen… I knew what i had to do and I didnt blink for a second when I asked her to leave. 

I didnt blink when I saw her face change when she realised that she was never getting me back. 

I didnt blink when I opened the door for her to leave.

I didnt blink when I walked back to my desk.

And I knew it was going to happen…I knew i would question everything that happened (again) when I sat back at my desk.

Enough now.

No more…. never again. History will never repeat itself. Not now. Not ever.

Films

I am at home sick today and decided to binge watch “How to get away with a murder”.

To some of you that have kind of bothered to read my blog from the beginning would know that my story is a unique one. Which is why, sometimes I find it hard to digest it all because I don’t know of anyone or even heard stories about people who have gone through the same things that I have.

So there I am watching HTGAWM and this plot line hits me out of nowhere, the Lawyer, sets her boyfriend up for her husbands murder and calls her Mom (who she supposedly haven’t had contact with in years) to stay with her at her time of extreme Vulnerability. At a time where she has no one.

At first it just seems like a normal, mother daughter whinging fight and then they show you the truth and it kind of took me by surprise. Not because the plot was so good I didn’t see that coming but because, the relationship between them was exactly the relationship between my Mom and I and I didn’t see that coming.

It is my general assumption, that for a plot to be in a movie or TV show, there has to be some of kind of truth to it. Or it has happened somewhere and they just exaggerate a little for the movie. So this relationship between the Mother and Daughter must be true somewhere, otherwise who would think of this shit?

Someone out there has a Mom, just like mine, who knew their daughter was abused but did nothing. Just ignored it, hoping it would go away. And somewhere, there is a daughter, just like me, who had the same reaction as I did. Hate for their own Mother but wanting to feel the Love they hope they’ll get someday but secretly know will never come. Someone, somewhere, has the same parents as I do, where food and shelter and education is more important than Love.

That made me feel better, I know I am not alone. There are people out there with the same fucked up parents as I have.

Of course they finished the story off to say that the Mother did kill the Daughter’s abuser in the end. But that’s Movies, Fairy tales. This is reality. So my Mother talks to my abuser everyday as if it is the most normal thing in the world. She would even throw me under the bus, if it means to protect him. Reality. Its a bitch.

I also watched Bad Moms the other night and there is this scene where all the Moms are talking about what they would love to do for one day and Kristen Bell’s character says “I sometimes wish i get into an accident on the way to pick up my kids, not like a major one with fire and stuff but like a little one and they take me to the hospital and the nurse’s look after me and i get to eat Jello all day and just get pampered” … or something along those lines. All the other characters look at her horrified and there I was thinking sitting in my seat “Don’t worry Kristen, I’ve felt that way too, too many times”

I’m Crazy AF ya’ll

And on that note

 

I bid you adieu

 

Parenting life

So I realised I don’t really share my funny parenting moments here like I do on facebook. So here’s one:

Last night I washed my hair (rarely get to do this nowadays). Walk out of the bathroom to dry it and my 3 year old daughter decides she’ll help me style it. A whole lot of hairspray and COCONUT OIL later…

I’m greasy AF this morning…only on the top though… we good for the rest

😣

This darkness of mine

I wake up and it’s another day of repeating the same thing I did the day before, the week before that and the one before that….

I get up and think, right.. gotta start breakfast and pack lunches. But at the back of my head, the place where I send things that I don’t want to deal with, I can hear a small, somewhat loud voice that says “No just go back to bed… they can survive a few hours without you”

I am waking up the kids and giving them hugs.  I’m singing songs and warming up the milk but my brain is saying “You think they are really going to like you?  They are going to catch on to how fake you are.They are going to hate you just like you hate your mother.  History always repeats itself”

And then I am alone with my kids,  my husband has left for the day.  And all of a sudden i feel more naked, like my kids can see right through my facade and know that I don’t really want to be here.  “I just want them to go away and i just want to be in bed…. no you can’t think that way.  They rely on you.  You have to push through this. Don’t let them see it”

I’m driving now to daycare and I’ve already lost my patience on my kids a few times while getting them ready but I’m smiling,  singing a song with them, getting them to count the cars and the buses “just distract them from you. Don’t let them see it” 

My daughter aks me a question.  I answer “oh put a happy spin on it. God i dont think that sounded convincing…. she’s gonna see right through it…. she’s quiet now.  She’s probably figured out that I’m in one of my moods… say something happy”

“You want the music on baby? ”

“Yes”

“Oh God she’s acting so I won’t be upset”

“Come on baby sing!”

“She can see right through this…. you know she can.  That’s the same face you used to make when you knew your mum wasn’t up to it….. history, always repeats”

By the time I get to work I’m exhausted. “Just keep going, you’re almost there. Once you sit at work you should be okay”

“Another day of going to work without brushing my hair.  God did I brush my teeth today?  I’ll just do it at work.  Thank God for the spare brush!  Why am I thanking God?  What did he ever do? Give you crappy parents and no one who loves you? ” 

Switching on my computer i wonder why no one ever loved me.  “Well if mum couldn’t love you…God no! No! Don’t get into this thinking!  This is how depression starts… right work. .. why does this computer take so long to start?! Finally! Emails…. ”

I am making breakfast and having little chit chats with colleagues “Just don’t say anything abnormal. Just say things that others would say” I know talking would help.  I wish I could talk to someone.  Don’t tell anyone how you are feeling.  It’s not normal to feel this way.  You cannot show people that you are breaking.  Just don’t break.  If you say it,  you’ll break.  Dont break!  

Going to pick up the kids “Alright here we go.  15 minutes of relaxing before the kids get in. I am so tired. .. but I got to keep going” 

Oh she’s asking a million questions again.  Just don’t get angry.just keep answering  them. I am just so tired.  Once the kids get home,  it should be fine.  

Right, bags in, kids in, gate closed. .. here we go. Mac and cheese…. done… milk…. ah! Husband  home. Good. Breathe. Just breathe… youre almost there.  Just don’t think about tomorrow.  If you’re lucky…. it might not come.