The whole truth and nothing but the truth

I have been trying to write the third part of my story for a long time now but the truth is I am not the type to sit down, think about it and then put it into words. Good or bad, emotions drive me so that’s exactly what I am going to do. Just let the emotions write the last part of my story.

The whole reason I started this blog is because I needed someone to hear my story and validate it, to say … “man oh man that’s tough!” Yea I know how it sounds like… like I was just looking for attention? But I was… I AM! And this is why…
Part 1 here
Part 2 here

A few months after my wedding, things in my parents house was getting unbearable. There was an argument that broke out between my parents and I and this was the first one we had had since my sister left the house. So it was BIG. In my moment of anger I asked my mum If she remembered the day I told her about my uncle. Mind you, we don’t talk about anything taboo in my family and in my question to her, I never specified which uncle or what day.

Mum says “Yea, I do. You were around 6. You were wearing your light pink dress, you were standing in the lounge and I was sitting in the dining room with your grandmother… you told me he touched you”

Please show me the way to get this relationship right

Luke 1 26 to 38

Be more mindful

How to love without looking for loyalty

Work with my husband

Not to judge

Work more on my friendzone skills

No swearing

No bitching

Be more organised at home

Be okay with change of plans

Less angry

Meditate on the Bible

I had this thought….

I am not a good person. I scream. I am short tempered. I get angry. Im never satisfied. Im selfish. Im not great at my job. Etc etc

I cant find love. All i have been doing is looking for it and i cant find it. I miss my parents…. or rather the idea of them. I know if i go back i still wont get the love i need. Ill just end up feeling more lonely if i go back.

Everytime I see people all i can think is… god what crap are you going through or how can you be so happy?

Everytime i interact with them there is always this constant thought that I am not good enough or that think they would never understand. I come with a lot of baggage… i cant drag them into it. I push people away and when they dont try harder to get to know me i tell myself i was right to push them away because they didnt try harder.

I cant find love because i am too scared to find love. Im scared its going to disappoint me so i disappoint before it even has a chance to get near me.

Im rude because i dont want you to like me but i do. I want you to fall in love woth me. Like we are best friends and cannot be separated. Like you cant live without me and everytime you come home you want to kiss me or me being born was the best thing ever because i make you proud of everything i have achieved.

But i dont have enough money or time to spend with a best friend. I have a husband who is comfortable without me and my parents are …. well they rejected me a long time ago.

Dear Jo,

I am not quite sure why you are angry this week. Or why you scream all the time. I know the cards dealt for you weren’t exactly great but you shouldn’t have to act this way because of it. That feeling in your chest of something pushing down on your heart will go away if you stopped acting this way.

Its been a while since I wrote. I’ve had a pretty good run in the last few months since I started talking to my sister. But this week… well I know my biggest issue right now is money so the other things seem worse but this one problem has brought into light all the other problems that my husband and I had pretended never existed.

It hurts everytime I realise that there is no one really in my life that loves me. That I will never have this opportunity to find it. Not even a friendship because I dont trust myself. I will screw it up somehow. There is always going to be this voice in my head that reminds me that no one loves me and no one ever will so I pull back before I have a chance.
———–

4th Jan 2018

I am having issues getting motivated. I look at my kitchen and it’s a mess. Everything I cleaned up 2 days ago meant nothing because it looks exactly the same. The Laundry smells so bad because I havent had time to even get to the kitty litter. I have half cleaned the kids room to make room for chelsea but there is so much more to do in that room with the curtains and the drawers i feel dejected before I even get to it. the kids havent had anything to eat because they keep saying no to everything i give them so i just dont bother feeding them.

The best part is I know ill be the only one to eventually do it. Sabeesh will come in. walk around and wipe the floors and tell everyone that he cleans the house all the time.

Being me

i just want a couple of people to die or at the very least leave me so i can be myself without having to apologise for being me or worrying about ruining their lives by being me.

Apparently my personality is so bad, it ruins people’s lives

I’ve got to be able to make money off being the worst human being in the world somehow?

Or is that how a horrid human being would think?

Oh well 🤷‍♀️

Genesis 1

Before Bible starts talking about us, it focuses on God.

It’s all about him

He had no competition (not like Thor)

All verses starts with God. No peers No rivals

Isaiah – He will not share his glory with another

Theres no evidence presented through the whole text. it is just “here it is”

The Chapter is ordered. Moses wrote it to show there is order to everything God does there is a purpose.

Not chronological order – day 1 light and day. day 4 its moon and sun etc. 1 2 3 space. 4 5 6 fills space. (could it be that he did the space and then did living things)

God is not part of creation – He was there in the begining. hes outside creation.

How did he create? Simply speaks. ( Like Father Like son – Jesus calms storms by speaking).

Moses wrote Genesis (16BC) to prove the people of the time and the ancient cultures (babylonian creation) that there is one God without Chaos, calmly and not to show you how.

There are 2 days he doesnt say “it was good”. one when Man was created and the other the 2nd day – which is a Monday.

Everything God created was good. but we make it bad. for eg purpose of knife.

Isaiah 56 – 26? gods word is powerful.

Verse 1 – He created from absolute starting point (Heavens and the Earth) Does this mean its an act of Grace. He is the God of everything we can see and cant see. Physical and Spiritual (demons and Angels)

Verse 2 – He brings calm to chaos.

Verse 26 – Hint of trinity – spirit of God. Let US make humanity in OUR image.

Menendez Brothers

It’s been awhile. A very long while. 

The last time I was here, I was almost aethist and I was contemplating talking to my sister. 

6 months later and I got to Church every Sunday without fail. I go to my Pastors house every Friday night, without fail, for church group. I volunteer in Church activities and I even pray with my kids. My kids will be going to a Christian school next year and I might even have a Christian girl come live with us soon as a roommate. 

I also did reconnect with my sister. She came over to see us. We talked. We social media’d it and then we had a fight and I didn’t even care. At least I tried right?

I am contemplating talking to my parents but I am planning my game plan. Because you need a game plan with those ones. 
So that’s whats been happening. 

Now I just watched a doco on The Menendez Brothers. And I heard one of them say “I don’t understand why they could kill their mother”. Killing their mother makes perfect sense to me. She was actually worse than the dad. She did nothing and felt sorry for herself while she knew her kids were being molested.

She’s actually worse than him.

Why doesn’t anyone get that? It makes me so angry!!!!

Lonely

Happiness is not a feeling

It’s an ability

– Dan in Real Life

When your Best friend has moved away

But even if she was here, she wouldnt have been able to help

When your mother is just non-existent and so is dad

When your siblings keep a distance

And your partner too

You can’t help but think “what did I do?”

I have realised that I could fill a small room full of people who will love me and miss me if I am gone. Yet, none of those people really know me. 

There are ones that see me as an adviser, and others that see me as clown, there are ones that see me as stubborn and others, blunt. I am always just one part of a whole to all of these people. 

I guess this is why people need families. Because they know you as a whole and accept you none the less. But, No such luck for me.

I am extremely and utterly lonely and these thoughts of wanting to run away or just not be here  anymore have come back and is starting to sound good again. 

I keep thinking back to this one day where i’d just had enough of life. My parents had locked me in the house for a month already and I pushed all my friends away because I knew no one would understand a family going through drug issues. I walked around the house one day when my parents had gone shopping and picked up whatever pill I could find. My parents blood pressure pills, various codine and ibuprofens and paracetamols and anti bacterials and glaucoma meds. Anything I could find. Roughly about 15 to 20 of them. I waited till everyone went to sleep and I laid them out on the table. At first, I swallowed them 2 by 2 and it was almost therapeutic… but then as the pile got smaller I started panicking. I didn’t stop though and kept going. I finished it all. I fell asleep almost straight away and my last thought was a little prayer for me to wake up again. “Sorry I did this God” I thought. 

I woke up the next day, almost in the afternoon. I had an unbelievable stomach ache for the next week that I silently endured. But I was both relieved and miserable that I was awake. 

I had not tried to kill myself since. 

For the sake of my kids, I probably won’t ever again. So I keep thinking… this is it. This is me until I die. Lonely, no one to share a thing with. Just a working mum who could never be happy her entire life.

I am so wasted here.

Dedicated to my Algebra Teacher

I was 13 when I moved to Australia. Before then, I had lived in the same house, on the same street with the same neighbours and went to the same school in India since I was about 2 or 3 years old. Leaving my friends whom I had known since 2 was difficult to say the least. Some of them I had known since before we could even walk or talk.  There were about 5 of us who all grew up together and we were all the “teachers kids”. We would spend the hours before and after school together. Each ones mum would take turns feeding us breakfast or dinner because every single one of our mothers worked overtime. 

My very first best friend, lets call her AJ, she has always been with me. Through sickness and in health. We’ve had our falling outs and we have grown apart but yet the few times we did say hello over the years since I moved to Australia it has been as though we’ve never left each others side. While I might not feel the same way or connection with her at times, shes always been proud of me. I know that. 

Her mum, Mrs. A, was the first person to feed me other than my mum or dad. Her mum always had a smile on her face. She was also my maths teacher in year 8. She was the first one to introduce me to the world of Algebra. I.HATED.IT. 

I used to sleep in her class, whinge, make witty comments. Honestly I have no idea how I passed her class. I have a funny feeling she might have tweeked my grades a little bit. 

On April 30th 2017, Mrs. A passed away. I hadn’t seen her in decades. I was not there when she got sick, I was not there when she was struggling with her sickness, I was not there when AJ was struggling with her moms sickness, I was not there in the last few days when she looked like she was getting better and I was not there when she fell asleep and never woke up. 

I called AJ yesterday and she told me that her mum would keep asking about my kids and ask to see them and ask what silly things they have been upto during the last few days. 

I have no idea why. And it’s weird to know that someone out there, even though it’s been decades, thought of me enough to care what my kids are doing. 

Maybe it’s  a teacher thing.

To all you teachers out there. Keep doing what you’re doing. It honestly saves lives.