Disney

This is me relating to a Disney Song
#thankyoukids

**When I started uni after my parents locked me in the house for 5 weeks**

The window is open!
So’s that door!
I didn’t know they did that anymore!
Who knew we owned eight thousand salad plates?

For years I’ve roamed these empty halls
Why have a ballroom with no balls?
Finally they’re opening up the gates!

There’ll be actual real live people
It’ll be totally strange
But wow! Am I so ready for this change

‘Cause for the first time in forever
There’ll be music, there’ll be light!
For the first time in forever
I’ll be dancing through the night
Don’t know if I’m elated or gassy
But I’m somewhere in that zone!
‘Cause for the first time in forever
I won’t be alone

I can’t wait to meet everyone!
What if I meet. The one?

Tonight, imagine me gown and all
Fetchingly draped against the wall
The picture of sophisticated grace
Ooh!

**When I met my ex**

I suddenly see him standing there
A beautiful stranger, tall and fair
I wanna stuff some chocolate in my face!

But then we laugh and talk all evening
Which is totally bizarre
Nothing like the life I’ve lead so far!

For the first time in forever
There’ll be magic, there’ll be fun!
For the first time in forever
I could be noticed by someone
And I know it is totally crazy
To dream I’d find romance
But for the first time in forever
At least I’ve got a chance!

**When I was walking down the aisle to marry a stranger**

Don’t let them in
Don’t let them see
Be the good girl
You always have to be
Conceal
Don’t feel
Put on a show
Make one wrong move
And everyone will know

But it’s only for today

It’s only for today!

It’s agony to wait

It’s agony to wait!

Tell the guards to open up the gate!

The gate!
For the first time in forever

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see

I’m getting what I’m dreaming of!

Be the good girl you always have to be

A chance to change my lonely world

Conceal

A chance to find true love!

Conceal, don’t feel
Don’t let them know

I know it all ends tomorrow
So it has to be today!
‘Cause for the first time in forever
For the first time in forever
Nothing’s in my way!

#frozen #thankyoudisney

Three posts in a day… Yes yes I know!

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Issues

I’m jealous, I’m overzealous

When I’m down, I get real down

When I’m high, I don’t come down
I get angry, baby, believe me
I could love you just like that
And I could leave you just as fast

But you don’t judge me
‘Cause if you did, baby, I would judge you too

‘Cause I got issues
But you got ’em too
So give ’em all to me
And I’ll give mine to you
Bask in the glory
Of all our problems
‘Cause we got…

Maybe not

Terrible Twos

A Background on my greatest Accomplishments:

My Kids are 20 months apart. Now I know it seems ridiculous when I say this in months, I could just say 2 years and get it over and done with. But I say 20 Months because those extra 4 months (or lack thereof) to make up the 2 years, makes a WHOLE lot of difference in Baby world.

Continue reading Terrible Twos

What a girl wants

 

I never really thought about the moment I said yes to getting married. For anyone who asked my story, I told them that I didn’t have a choice. But that is not the truth. I could have very well said no. Gone through the whole drama with my parents, come home, finished my degree, most likely would have got a job my parents would have forced me into and stayed in it till I made some money and then first chance, I would have left home and been on my own. At least thats what I wish would have happened. Maybe reality or that path not taken, was much worse than the one I am on. I guess I’d never know. I would have most likely, fended them off until I finally succumbed to them. I think the reason I said yes is because I knew, if I didn’t now, then I would eventually. So Why Fight? I think I just gave in. It was either go in circles with the same abusive life or leave by any means possible and hope for a better future.

So this future…why am I not happy with it? It did save me from the circle after all. This future, did save me from everything that was holding me back. Well If I write what I think, then it will be proof that I realised very soon after my wedding that I had made a mistake. That I had backed myself into a corner. Nevertheless It has been awhile now and I should have moved on from that right? I guess I tried…but my trust issues…well….that is another thing altogether.

All people see when they see my life is a husband, a job, 2 kids and a house. And they tell me, “look at you, you’ve accomplished so much without even trying. I know your parents didn’t do it right, but now you’ve got it all, without even trying”. What they wouldn’t dare ask me is “what do you love about your husband?” because all people want to see is the happy ending. They want that for themselves so they see only that. They don’t want to see the bad relationship I have with my parents, or the carefully strategic plans we have made to act like husband and wife. Just concentrate on the kids and be good parents, no one will notice the rest. and they haven’t. we’ve faked it pretty good.

What do I want? I want someone… anyone to just tell me its okay to be just me. Not tell me to shut up when I talk because I’m too loud. I want someone to say Thank you because I wake up in the morning, get the breakfast ready and get the kids ready and take them to school and then do it all over again in the afternoon after work. I want someone to do the dishes and cook dinner and not because they have to, I’d already done everything else and they don’t want to feel guilty. I want someone who will put the kids to sleep with me and then ask me how my day was and actually care that the people at work annoy the crap out of me and not whinge that I do this at every job I go to. I want someone who will hug me when we are sitting under the stars at a camp not tell me, they’ll do it in a minute after a smoke or when they do finally come sit down, complain that they cant sit on the ground. I want to be loved. thats it. that is all I have ever wanted. With my parents, with my husband,. Just love me. For me. And try to stop changing me into someone else. I am loud, I am weird, I am a control freak, I wear bright colours, I listen to music for the lyrics and I freakin’ love Michael Jackson! I am a through and through 90s gal and I love to read books for hours on end. I love watching  scifi and CSI and anything to do with serial killers type of TV shows and I Love comics. I Love to bake and try new recipes and I just want…I just want someone to love me for me.

But that will never happen though. I’ll get over it, I will. Next week will be better than today. Waves. I just have to ride this one out.

Family

So my husband had a seizure this morning and this is a list of my thoughts when he was flailing like a fish out of water:

What the fuck?

Ambulance!

Mum…no…Kids!

Shit! The kids! 

****calling ambulance**** mum need mum… no no no 

How am I gonna do this alone? Whats the number for ambulance? Dammit just type! “NSW AMBULANCE PLEASE!” 

it’s okay the paramedics should know what to do.

—–

My husband woke up 3 hours later and told me off for calling the ambulance. I came back to the hospital an hour after that to find him unconscious on his bed and the doctor says “well it’s good you called the ambulance cuz he just had another seizure 10 minutes ago. I’ve knocked him out”

When I heard the doctor tell me that, I just wanted a hug from anybody. I would have taken anything just to feel safe. But I don’t have anyone. I kept looking through my phone to see if I can call someone but my best friend moved overseas, her mum has a father who is sick anyway and my in laws are overseas.

I have no family. So I called work and told them I won’t be coming. I called the baby sitter and said she might have to look after the kids a little longer. I called my husbands work and lied that he fell out of bed and I am sitting here now….completely alone hoping he doesn’t have another seizure and wondering if it is safe for the kids to be around him right now.

Its just the 2 of us though.

Clear

It’s 14° C and sunny outside. I’ve caught Pikachu (that’s right I’m almost 30 and a Pokemon Goer). The Government just gave us back a 4 digit number $$ back that they owe us and I can finally get those shoes for my son and get my kids a haircut. Maybe even splurge a little and get some Bbq wipes and tea towels for the kitchen! And some pants and jackets for the kids!

Is the mother in me showing? Sorry.

My heads been less depressed in the last couple of days than it has been in the last 3 weeks, which is also good. I’m going to cherish this because its nice to have a clear mind. 

——

In other news… I’m going to be 30 in 5 months and 1 day. Dirty 30. Dirty THIRTY 

Thirty, married for 9 years, two kids 4 and under, maybe a house (if it gets built on time) and MAYBE I’ll get to leave this job, go part time and spend more time with the kids. These are my goals. I don’t know how I turned into such a parent but somehow I have and I am actually okay with it. I dont even want to go back to my single life. It was boring and complicated and confusing anyway. 

No Manuals

I need to know how to react to something, otherwise I won’t know what to do. Everything I know is learnt…. there is no originality here whatsoever.

The problem is…. my life is quite…. unique so an answer to some of the questions my brain asks me is hard to find. Some originality is needed most of the time.

I was the only one in my circle of friends to be bullied
I was the only one to go through a crisis of having a drug addict in the family
I was the only one to get forced married
I was the first one TO get married
I am the only one to go through the pain of being told that I could not have children
I am the first one to have kids
I am the only one that I know of that have parents who blatantly dislike me…. very much

I feel like I am the only one with so much drama in my life day in and day out that I just cannot talk to anyone. Because no one will understand how hard it is to move on from these situations…. and then when you finally do move one another one hits you like a ton of bricks…. one after another… theres always been something.

I know I can do this. I know I’ll make it. I know I won’t give into this depression but I don’t know if I’ll ever let myself be happy and that scares me.