This Mama is happy today

My daughter’s 4th birthday is coming up and we had a party for her today. My husbands cooking was probably the star of the show but By GOD I am damn proud of the cake I made. My daughter asked me 2 weeks ago to make a heart shaped pink cake with rainbows on it. I couldn’t quite get the rainbow topper, but I thought I’d put a surprise in there for her.

My daughters face when she cut the cake and the M&Ms fell out was just priceless. I know I made a memory for her that she will forever cherish and I can sleep well tonight knowing that those 6 hours I spent trying to bake and decorate this cake was completely worth it. Its not going to win baking competitions but it won my daughters heart and that is what I wanted. I even got 2 hugs and multiple kisses and Thank yous for it!

I am so damn proud of my kids. I know every parents says this and it sounds cliche but I really am. They have turned out to be better than what I wished for…and I have pretty high standards. I am so proud of my daughter especially because she is so strong. She’s a drama queen when it comes to kid things, I’ll give her that. She was a relentless picky eater until a few months ago and she always wants things NOW. “I Want it NOW Mama!” “Its taking for a long time Mama!” but shes got this side to her that I have only seen in grown woman, like the way she carries herself when she knows I am upset or if her dad is upset. Her hugs come straight from the heart and she puts her whole being into it, I cant even explain. Like a hug from your grandma, thats the only thing I can compare it to.  The way she deals with other kids in the playground when they are being mean to her or her brother. Its amazing. I am so proud.

My son wears his heart on his sleeve  I worry a lot about him because he gives his heart and when he doesn’t get it back he absolutely crushes and turns into more of an introvert than he already is . But he never lets go, He’ll try again with them, no matter how badly they hurt him. It takes some kind of strength to do that. I know he didn’t get that from me! He will do anything to make people laugh and He is just Gorgeous! My little 2 year old that came to me just to make me laugh everyday. I am so very proud!

I absolutely Love my Babies!

I normally dont like putting personal pictures up on this website. But I want to share this moment, because this was the best moment of the day for us.

 

I am not my mother.

Blabber

It is 2:19am Thursday the 26th of January. Very early in the morning on Australia day in other words.

Why I’m awake? cuz my son kicked me square in the face while we were in bed, so hard infact, that my earrings ripped out of my ear and fell across to the other side of the bed. Yep. I Screamed of course but no one woke up…of course . Who cares about mum really?  Also, I have bad indigestion and have been running from the kitchen (to have water) and the toilet all night. TMI? Maybe.   Meh

I am so going to regret not trying to sleep, in about 3 hours when my son wakes up and asks for “chokate bed mumma chokate bed” *aka Chocolate bread aka Nutella Toast.

I get the train to work now. The most exciting thing that has happened to me in awhile because I get my own time to read my books and go through blogs, something that I havent been able to do for almost 5 years now. Anyway, I came across this post this afternoon and I thought it brilliant. I have been going through looking for these people who have been through the same things that I have, since I started this blog, and here i found it right on my facebook feed

http://www.scarymommy.com/motherless-mother-mental-illness/

My mother doesnt have any Mental Illness (nothing diagnosed anyway) but everything in this article feels like, like the author saw inside my head and just wrote it down.

I wanted to message her on Facebook and tell her how much this article put me at ease to know that I am not the only one with these feelings, but I thought she might think I’m creepy? SO I am just going to rave about it in here, where Nobody (I know) would see.

I wish I could tell people in my life, how I feel. But I can never find the words. I just get angry that they dont understand…which is ridiculous because how can they without you explaining it to them?

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This week was a good week. I have had lots of good weeks this month, which is rare. and I think I have figured out what my depression trigger is, so next month, when it does come along, I can, if i can, push it out of my mind or do something to keep it together for my kids. you know ?

Fingers crossed anyway

Terrible Twos

A Background on my greatest Accomplishments:

My Kids are 20 months apart. Now I know it seems ridiculous when I say this in months, I could just say 2 years and get it over and done with. But I say 20 Months because those extra 4 months (or lack thereof) to make up the 2 years, makes a WHOLE lot of difference in Baby world.

This darkness of mine

I wake up and it’s another day of repeating the same thing I did the day before, the week before that and the one before that….

I get up and think, right.. gotta start breakfast and pack lunches. But at the back of my head, the place where I send things that I don’t want to deal with, I can hear a small, somewhat loud voice that says “No just go back to bed… they can survive a few hours without you”

I am waking up the kids and giving them hugs.  I’m singing songs and warming up the milk but my brain is saying “You think they are really going to like you?  They are going to catch on to how fake you are.They are going to hate you just like you hate your mother.  History always repeats itself”

And then I am alone with my kids,  my husband has left for the day.  And all of a sudden i feel more naked, like my kids can see right through my facade and know that I don’t really want to be here.  “I just want them to go away and i just want to be in bed…. no you can’t think that way.  They rely on you.  You have to push through this. Don’t let them see it”

I’m driving now to daycare and I’ve already lost my patience on my kids a few times while getting them ready but I’m smiling,  singing a song with them, getting them to count the cars and the buses “just distract them from you. Don’t let them see it” 

My daughter aks me a question.  I answer “oh put a happy spin on it. God i dont think that sounded convincing…. she’s gonna see right through it…. she’s quiet now.  She’s probably figured out that I’m in one of my moods… say something happy”

“You want the music on baby? ”

“Yes”

“Oh God she’s acting so I won’t be upset”

“Come on baby sing!”

“She can see right through this…. you know she can.  That’s the same face you used to make when you knew your mum wasn’t up to it….. history, always repeats”

By the time I get to work I’m exhausted. “Just keep going, you’re almost there. Once you sit at work you should be okay”

“Another day of going to work without brushing my hair.  God did I brush my teeth today?  I’ll just do it at work.  Thank God for the spare brush!  Why am I thanking God?  What did he ever do? Give you crappy parents and no one who loves you? ” 

Switching on my computer i wonder why no one ever loved me.  “Well if mum couldn’t love you…God no! No! Don’t get into this thinking!  This is how depression starts… right work. .. why does this computer take so long to start?! Finally! Emails…. ”

I am making breakfast and having little chit chats with colleagues “Just don’t say anything abnormal. Just say things that others would say” I know talking would help.  I wish I could talk to someone.  Don’t tell anyone how you are feeling.  It’s not normal to feel this way.  You cannot show people that you are breaking.  Just don’t break.  If you say it,  you’ll break.  Dont break!  

Going to pick up the kids “Alright here we go.  15 minutes of relaxing before the kids get in. I am so tired. .. but I got to keep going” 

Oh she’s asking a million questions again.  Just don’t get angry.just keep answering  them. I am just so tired.  Once the kids get home,  it should be fine.  

Right, bags in, kids in, gate closed. .. here we go. Mac and cheese…. done… milk…. ah! Husband  home. Good. Breathe. Just breathe… youre almost there.  Just don’t think about tomorrow.  If you’re lucky…. it might not come. 

Happiness

This blog/ diary thing I am doing started off as a place to tell people my story. It is a common story in some parts of the world, but most dont speak of it. So I thought, I’ll come here and let the world know.

But a few months down and this blog has turned into a lifestory of someone who is trying to replace depression with Happiness.

Today is a day of clarity. I dont get many of these days. Most days I am stuck in a rut, thinking about the past and driving myself insane. Most days I over analyse everything and get sad. Everyday, it is hard to remember that happiness even exists.

This weekend my husband booked a hotel room for me so I could experience how it would be like if i was without a family. No parents, No sibilings, No husband, No kids. Leading up to this weekend, I had plans of going out, reading books, eating out on my own and watching as many movies on Netflix as I could. I couldnt WAIT to SHOWER AND PEE on my own. It was going to the best. I did worry that I might not want to come back and I think my husband did too but I had to do this, If i didnt want to come back then there is no real point in prolonging this relationship anyway.

Pets are for life

Fight or flight

Do you ever feel disconnected from the whole world?

Like it wont matter if you stay or you go. Like it wont matter if you cared or you didnt. Like you just can’t be bothered to even try because you already know you won’t be happy with the outcome?

I always keep coming back to one thing – I need a break from my family. Yea I know that makes me sound like a bad mother. It is this taboo thing to say that you need a break from your kids. I am just going to make that statement a little bit worse by saying – If i take a break, if I ever do get the chance to take a break, I am not sure I will be willing to come back. I know that sounds bad. I cannot tell you why I feel this way.

Maybe it is just as easy and simple as I just didnt have enough days off after having my kids. Maybe I went back to work too quickly. Maybe I just work too hard and not enough relaxing with my kids. Or Maybe it’s not that simple and I… and its hard for me to say this because it feels like admitting to something very real… or maybe this is me realising I made a mistake by choosing this life and I’m running away. Maybe this is me trying to start my life again.

I don’t know what I’m doing and i am a lost little … woman? Mother? Bitch? Devil?

Whatever
Whatever

I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in weeks

Reflection

I started writing a post a week ago about what my husband did one night when the kids were more trouble than they should have been.

As I was writing the post I realised that there were somethings that I did that night that were pretty childish. My mind immediately started making excuses for being childish..

Well I wouldn’t be this way if it wasn’t for. …

But then I knew that was ridiculous because no matter what happened to me… I have a choice not to be a bitch or just plain immature.

Anyway before I could finish that post… things got in the way and I forgot about it.

Yesterday my husband and I had our counselling session and it was full on.  A part of me felt like she was picking on me but a tiny part of me knew she was right.  Again my brain started making excuses… well she’s a shitty counselor anyway

No she’s not.  She is right. 

I need to stop blaming people.  Yes it was their fault but no you didn’t have to react that way.  Yes it is a scary thought that people might take advantage of you if are nice to them but that is on them.  NOT YOU. 

Its going to be a long road ahead.  For a long time I kept telling myself that I need to stay alive and sane for my kids but that’s not true. ..

I need to stay alive and sane for me.  ME. Because I can’t let the past define who I am. 

Life as I know it

I feel my anger filling me up again because everything is just so unfair

How much do I sound like a teenager right now?

I want to write why I am angry but it’s not just one thing… it’s the little things… like the house being a constant mess, and it’s not just because of the kids, my husband seems to be okay with living in a sty as well. I am getting sick of picking up after everybody. At least if it was my house I would be able to do it later but now I have the added pressure of my mum or my dad nagging about everything dirty the entire time. And they don’t nag me, they expect my husband to clean up… which deep inside I know is fair because he is the one that leaves the coke cans and the laundry everywhere but for goodness sake DON’T TELL HIM THAT! If you do he’ll hate you more… and if he hates you more then he’ll hate me more…. he’ll be in a grumpy mood for the next 6 months… even the slightest thing will make him hate everything even more and then I would have to compromise more and more until I get exhausted and get angry and then the kids would cry and then the kids would hate me and run to their dad….. who was the one who started this all in the first place!!! So I conclude that this is entirely my parents fault for ruining my life.

So…. there it is… my reason for anger….. it’s the little things that make you realise how controlled your life is.

Just you know …. I just need to hang on for like 20 more years till my kids are old enough to move out and then I’ll leave him …

Just hang on for 20 more years… then you can ask your parents to forgive you.

Just 20 more years.

I don’t have much hope for our counselling session because it is just how my life works.

Christmas

Considering it is difficult for me to believe there is a God.

Christmas is going to be quite conflicting this year.

Born is the King of Israel….. hm