I’ve been thinking about my parents lately. It’s officially been a year since I walked away from my entire family and I guess I am just re-analysing everything.
Did I make the right decision to walk away?
I am still standing on a big YES when it comes to my mum and dad. I even thought about what I would do if I heard news of one of them passing away. I guess I would be sad but not because they are gone but because they never understood me and what I wanted from them before they passed. I have even wondered if they would go to heaven or hell (if one believes in such things of course) and as much as I cannot judge (For all I know I could be going to hell for kicking my 65 yr old dad and punching him on his head) I hope they realise the full potential of the Bible before they pass, and not just pick and choose what fits them. On the opposite spectrum, I have even wished they would pass quickly so I don’t have to keep wondering if they would ever come back and say they are sorry. It’s all a bit bittersweet for me still.
My sister, on the other hand, I am wondering if things have settled enough to go back and reconnect with her. A part of me is scared that she is still going to ask me to “get over it” as she so nicely put it the last time we spoke. Yet a part of me also realises that I never really gave her a chance. The biggest reason I stopped all connection with her is because she was a direct link to my parents, which means all my “updates” will go to my parents and I didnt want them to have the satisfaction of knowing I am alright.
I wonder if I explain to her the reason why she might understand but I am still scared that she might not. And honestly I am not sure if I am willing to put myself through the pain of realising that I am truly alone in this world.
I guess it’s just a conversation I need to have with my husband because he is just as much a part of this drama whether I want it or not.
I’ve also taught about what I will tell my kids. My daughter is already asking the question of who my mum and dad are. She’s already forgotten my dad and thinks I never had a dad. I don’t think she’ll ever forget my mum but for now she thinks she doesn’t see her anymore because “Grandma doesn’t like us”. I’ve prepared conversations in my head of what I’ll tell my kids when they are older and leave it upto them whether they want to talk to them or not. It’s all I can do.
All in all though, this peace that I feel right now of making my own decisions or even something as simple as cleaning my own bathroom whenever I wanted and not having this voice in my head constantly telling me what a horrible person I am for not cleaning my house is nice. Its made me rely on myself more and grow more confident.