A Look Back

I’ve been thinking about my parents lately. It’s officially been a year since I walked away from my entire family and I guess I am just re-analysing everything. 

Did I make the right decision to walk away?

I am still standing on a big YES when it comes to my mum and dad. I even thought about what I would do if I heard news of one of them passing away. I guess I would be sad but not because they are gone but because they never understood me and what I wanted from them before they passed. I have even wondered if they would go to heaven or hell (if one believes in such things of course) and as much as I cannot judge (For all I know I could be going to hell for kicking my 65 yr old dad and punching him on his head) I hope they realise the full potential of the Bible before they pass, and not just pick and choose what fits them. On the opposite spectrum, I have even wished they would pass quickly so I don’t have to keep wondering if they would ever come back and say they are sorry. It’s all a bit bittersweet for me still. 

My sister, on the other hand, I am wondering if things have settled enough to go back and reconnect with her. A part of me is scared that she is still going to ask me to “get over it” as she so nicely put it the last time we spoke. Yet a part of me also realises that I never really gave her a chance. The biggest reason I stopped all connection with her is because she was a direct link to my parents, which means all my “updates” will go to my parents and I didnt want them to have the satisfaction of knowing I am alright. 

I wonder if I explain to her the reason why she might understand but I am still scared that she might not. And honestly I am not sure if I am willing to put myself through the pain of realising that I am truly alone in this world. 

I guess it’s just a conversation I need to have with my husband because he is just as much a part of this drama whether I want it or not. 

I’ve also taught about what I will tell my kids. My daughter is already asking the question of who my mum and dad are. She’s already forgotten my dad and thinks I never had a dad. I don’t think she’ll ever forget my mum but for now she thinks she doesn’t see her anymore because “Grandma doesn’t like us”. I’ve prepared conversations in my head of what I’ll tell my kids when they are older and leave it upto them whether they want to talk to them or not. It’s all I can do. 

All in all though,  this  peace that I feel right now of making my own decisions or even something as simple as cleaning my own bathroom whenever I wanted and not having this voice in my head constantly telling me what a horrible person I am for not cleaning my house is nice. Its made me rely on myself more and grow more confident. 

I’ve done it

It is quite obvious to me now that I have only ever wanted one thing in my life – leave it. I never realised that this is what I wanted, denial is an incredible thing. I am 30 years old now and you could even say I have been in denial/ not realising for more than 2 decades.

It explains the depression, the need to do something but not knowing what it is, the suicide attempt, the constant questioning of everything I ever did because I never really knew myself, the fact that I never really knew myself…. just everything. I went through all of this because I was stuck in place that just wasn’t right for me. Nothing I did could fix it because no one can change the environment they live in. The only thing they can do is leave it.

My favourite song growing up was the old Ugly duckling song from Timless tales.

I mean at the age of 9 I was obsessed with it and cried everytime I heard that song. I never got into any of the princesses. Just that duckling. A few years later Anastasia came out. I read up on her before i watched the movie – family betrayed and killed and she makes it out on her own. I used to think WOW what a badass! I was incredible annoyed when I watched the movie because it was just so princessy. My mate growing up was the little papaya tree in the garden that mum said would die soon… so I would go and talk to it everyday after school. How obvious can it get that I was trying to flee from my family? That I was attracted to the things that had no one and weren’t loved?

There are moments though, my mum laughing when I told her I wanted to just please her but I get so tired, her hugging me and telling me all she wanted was for me to get good grades. Sleeping on her lap some afternoons, her running her fingers through my hair. My dad teaching me to tie my shoe laces and feeding my sister and I breakfast… it was all little moments in my life where I thought to myself “see its not so bad. This is all you need”

It didnt take much for those hugs and those cuddles to stop. I can’t remember my sister and my dad in most of my memories. But then I found faith through my grandma. She would tell me stories from the Bible and teach me songs and once again I had family. Someone to rely on… so denial… once again. “Im fine, this is all I need”. Even in the Bible… Joseph is my favorite character. The one with the 11 brothers. Betrayed and sold as a slave, he becomes a pharoah and saves his family. Ha!

The signs were all there.

But it took 2 decades of this constant back and forth and FINALLY for me to see my parents watching TV while my 1 year old son bleeding on the floor for me to realise “I am not supposed to be here. I need to get out”

I had to get out.

I stand here at the bus stop now. It is 6.10am, Tuesday the 11th of April 2017. A year after I finally did it. It is freezing cold morning here in Sydney. I have just said goodbye to my kids and walked out of the house my husband and I built. And this is my view

For anyone who is reading. This is a house in a construction zone. Just another house. I mean there is rubbish everywhere and bricks still strewn about in the front lawn.

To me, this was my ticket out. Away from a horrible life that was suffocating me since before I can remember. This is hope, that leaving a life doesnt have to mean killing myself but just simply walking away. This is my blood. My sweat. My tears. 30 years in the making. Its not much but its all I have and it’s more of a start than I had hoped for. If I believed in God I would thank him for bringing me finally to this state of mind. Where I know why things happened the way they did.

For those of you who have been following my blog. This is it. I cannot explain anything that happened to me before my marriage but I know now I wasn’t forced to marry. I needed to marry him. I needed to see my in laws working together to know what a family is supposed to be like.  My kids were not accidents. I needed my daughter to be my pillar of stronghold at a time of utter betrayal. I needed my son to be my positivity at a time when all I could see was death and destruction.

I do not believe in God because I don’t understand why I had to have such parents to begin with. But I believe now If he is true, he might have actually paved a way for me to get out of it long before I even realised.

This Mama is happy today

My daughter’s 4th birthday is coming up and we had a party for her today. My husbands cooking was probably the star of the show but By GOD I am damn proud of the cake I made. My daughter asked me 2 weeks ago to make a heart shaped pink cake with rainbows on it. I couldn’t quite get the rainbow topper, but I thought I’d put a surprise in there for her.

My daughters face when she cut the cake and the M&Ms fell out was just priceless. I know I made a memory for her that she will forever cherish and I can sleep well tonight knowing that those 6 hours I spent trying to bake and decorate this cake was completely worth it. Its not going to win baking competitions but it won my daughters heart and that is what I wanted. I even got 2 hugs and multiple kisses and Thank yous for it!

I am so damn proud of my kids. I know every parents says this and it sounds cliche but I really am. They have turned out to be better than what I wished for…and I have pretty high standards. I am so proud of my daughter especially because she is so strong. She’s a drama queen when it comes to kid things, I’ll give her that. She was a relentless picky eater until a few months ago and she always wants things NOW. “I Want it NOW Mama!” “Its taking for a long time Mama!” but shes got this side to her that I have only seen in grown woman, like the way she carries herself when she knows I am upset or if her dad is upset. Her hugs come straight from the heart and she puts her whole being into it, I cant even explain. Like a hug from your grandma, thats the only thing I can compare it to.  The way she deals with other kids in the playground when they are being mean to her or her brother. Its amazing. I am so proud.

My son wears his heart on his sleeve  I worry a lot about him because he gives his heart and when he doesn’t get it back he absolutely crushes and turns into more of an introvert than he already is . But he never lets go, He’ll try again with them, no matter how badly they hurt him. It takes some kind of strength to do that. I know he didn’t get that from me! He will do anything to make people laugh and He is just Gorgeous! My little 2 year old that came to me just to make me laugh everyday. I am so very proud!

I absolutely Love my Babies!

I normally dont like putting personal pictures up on this website. But I want to share this moment, because this was the best moment of the day for us.

 

I am not my mother.

Blabber

It is 2:19am Thursday the 26th of January. Very early in the morning on Australia day in other words.

Why I’m awake? cuz my son kicked me square in the face while we were in bed, so hard infact, that my earrings ripped out of my ear and fell across to the other side of the bed. Yep. I Screamed of course but no one woke up…of course . Who cares about mum really?  Also, I have bad indigestion and have been running from the kitchen (to have water) and the toilet all night. TMI? Maybe.   Meh

I am so going to regret not trying to sleep, in about 3 hours when my son wakes up and asks for “chokate bed mumma chokate bed” *aka Chocolate bread aka Nutella Toast.

I get the train to work now. The most exciting thing that has happened to me in awhile because I get my own time to read my books and go through blogs, something that I havent been able to do for almost 5 years now. Anyway, I came across this post this afternoon and I thought it brilliant. I have been going through looking for these people who have been through the same things that I have, since I started this blog, and here i found it right on my facebook feed

http://www.scarymommy.com/motherless-mother-mental-illness/

My mother doesnt have any Mental Illness (nothing diagnosed anyway) but everything in this article feels like, like the author saw inside my head and just wrote it down.

I wanted to message her on Facebook and tell her how much this article put me at ease to know that I am not the only one with these feelings, but I thought she might think I’m creepy? SO I am just going to rave about it in here, where Nobody (I know) would see.

I wish I could tell people in my life, how I feel. But I can never find the words. I just get angry that they dont understand…which is ridiculous because how can they without you explaining it to them?

---

This week was a good week. I have had lots of good weeks this month, which is rare. and I think I have figured out what my depression trigger is, so next month, when it does come along, I can, if i can, push it out of my mind or do something to keep it together for my kids. you know ?

Fingers crossed anyway

Terrible Twos

A Background on my greatest Accomplishments:

My Kids are 20 months apart. Now I know it seems ridiculous when I say this in months, I could just say 2 years and get it over and done with. But I say 20 Months because those extra 4 months (or lack thereof) to make up the 2 years, makes a WHOLE lot of difference in Baby world.

What a girl wants

 

I never really thought about the moment I said yes to getting married. For anyone who asked my story, I told them that I didn’t have a choice. But that is not the truth. I could have very well said no. Gone through the whole drama with my parents, come home, finished my degree, most likely would have got a job my parents would have forced me into and stayed in it till I made some money and then first chance, I would have left home and been on my own. At least thats what I wish would have happened. Maybe reality or that path not taken, was much worse than the one I am on. I guess I’d never know. I would have most likely, fended them off until I finally succumbed to them. I think the reason I said yes is because I knew, if I didn’t now, then I would eventually. So Why Fight? I think I just gave in. It was either go in circles with the same abusive life or leave by any means possible and hope for a better future.

So this future…why am I not happy with it? It did save me from the circle after all. This future, did save me from everything that was holding me back. Well If I write what I think, then it will be proof that I realised very soon after my wedding that I had made a mistake. That I had backed myself into a corner. Nevertheless It has been awhile now and I should have moved on from that right? I guess I tried…but my trust issues…well….that is another thing altogether.

All people see when they see my life is a husband, a job, 2 kids and a house. And they tell me, “look at you, you’ve accomplished so much without even trying. I know your parents didn’t do it right, but now you’ve got it all, without even trying”. What they wouldn’t dare ask me is “what do you love about your husband?” because all people want to see is the happy ending. They want that for themselves so they see only that. They don’t want to see the bad relationship I have with my parents, or the carefully strategic plans we have made to act like husband and wife. Just concentrate on the kids and be good parents, no one will notice the rest. and they haven’t. we’ve faked it pretty good.

What do I want? I want someone… anyone to just tell me its okay to be just me. Not tell me to shut up when I talk because I’m too loud. I want someone to say Thank you because I wake up in the morning, get the breakfast ready and get the kids ready and take them to school and then do it all over again in the afternoon after work. I want someone to do the dishes and cook dinner and not because they have to, I’d already done everything else and they don’t want to feel guilty. I want someone who will put the kids to sleep with me and then ask me how my day was and actually care that the people at work annoy the crap out of me and not whinge that I do this at every job I go to. I want someone who will hug me when we are sitting under the stars at a camp not tell me, they’ll do it in a minute after a smoke or when they do finally come sit down, complain that they cant sit on the ground. I want to be loved. thats it. that is all I have ever wanted. With my parents, with my husband,. Just love me. For me. And try to stop changing me into someone else. I am loud, I am weird, I am a control freak, I wear bright colours, I listen to music for the lyrics and I freakin’ love Michael Jackson! I am a through and through 90s gal and I love to read books for hours on end. I love watching  scifi and CSI and anything to do with serial killers type of TV shows and I Love comics. I Love to bake and try new recipes and I just want…I just want someone to love me for me.

But that will never happen though. I’ll get over it, I will. Next week will be better than today. Waves. I just have to ride this one out.

Lonely

 This is the first Christmas without my parents. There is nothing to miss really. Our tradition was always to go to church – just because and then come home and eat an Indian feast – just because.  We never really had a tree or opened presents…. never believed in Santa…. we got new clothes that my mum would dress us in when she thought it appropriate. 

Like I said. .. nothing to miss… Yet … there is this emptiness. .. this numbness inside of me that I can’t seem to shake.

I was never really close to my dad.  I never really let older men touch me because I never really trusted them. So hugs from my dad was never really welcome.  My mum’s hugs were rare but whenever she did hug me she would do this thing with her nails ( she had beautiful long nails back then) by running them through my hair… that feeling. I miss that.  I’ve missed it even when I was talking to her,  because after a while,  even when she hugged me,  i knew it wasn’t genuine.  She did it because I forced her to. When I look back on all my relationships, I can see it now.  I can see now when they all stopped loving me.  My first crush,  my first love, my first boyfriend. …The only reason the breakdown of my relationship with my parents hurts the most is because I realise now that they never really loved me.  There was no one time that I can think back on when they stopped because they never really started. 

The reason my relationship with my husband hurts is because I can see the same thing happening in him.  Whatever he thinks is love,  it’s not.  It’s just what people do to keep up appearances. If he’s fooled himself into thinking that’s love.. well… I’ll just have to go with it.

Happy Birthday Jesus.  Here’s to getting away from bad relationships and entering into another one. I hope you have fun watching my drama unfold.  Because that’s what I am to you right?  Entertainment?

Recap on 2016

January to April : Torture by parents, mental games, fights, physical fights with the parents, kids scared and confused, builder raises the price of the house

May: move out of parents house, kids and husband move overseas. I sell all my jewllery to pay off the builder, stay home alone, kids not doing well overseas, dog gets anxiety

April: end of april: daughter and husband come back, son stays on, MIL backs out on offer to come and help, find a daycare to look after daughter

May: go overseas to pick up son, find daycare to look after son and daughter, dog anxiety worsens

June: dog dies, parents try to contact, depression gets worse, husband is promised promotion at work

July: work gets worse, anger gets worse, builder adds extras that cost more, husbands promotion is threatned

August: end of August: husband gets seizures

September: daughter breaks arm, im finding it really hard to keep it together

Family

So my husband had a seizure this morning and this is a list of my thoughts when he was flailing like a fish out of water:

What the fuck?

Ambulance!

Mum…no…Kids!

Shit! The kids! 

****calling ambulance**** mum need mum… no no no 

How am I gonna do this alone? Whats the number for ambulance? Dammit just type! “NSW AMBULANCE PLEASE!” 

it’s okay the paramedics should know what to do.

—–

My husband woke up 3 hours later and told me off for calling the ambulance. I came back to the hospital an hour after that to find him unconscious on his bed and the doctor says “well it’s good you called the ambulance cuz he just had another seizure 10 minutes ago. I’ve knocked him out”

When I heard the doctor tell me that, I just wanted a hug from anybody. I would have taken anything just to feel safe. But I don’t have anyone. I kept looking through my phone to see if I can call someone but my best friend moved overseas, her mum has a father who is sick anyway and my in laws are overseas.

I have no family. So I called work and told them I won’t be coming. I called the baby sitter and said she might have to look after the kids a little longer. I called my husbands work and lied that he fell out of bed and I am sitting here now….completely alone hoping he doesn’t have another seizure and wondering if it is safe for the kids to be around him right now.

Its just the 2 of us though.

Films

I am at home sick today and decided to binge watch “How to get away with a murder”.

To some of you that have kind of bothered to read my blog from the beginning would know that my story is a unique one. Which is why, sometimes I find it hard to digest it all because I don’t know of anyone or even heard stories about people who have gone through the same things that I have.

So there I am watching HTGAWM and this plot line hits me out of nowhere, the Lawyer, sets her boyfriend up for her husbands murder and calls her Mom (who she supposedly haven’t had contact with in years) to stay with her at her time of extreme Vulnerability. At a time where she has no one.

At first it just seems like a normal, mother daughter whinging fight and then they show you the truth and it kind of took me by surprise. Not because the plot was so good I didn’t see that coming but because, the relationship between them was exactly the relationship between my Mom and I and I didn’t see that coming.

It is my general assumption, that for a plot to be in a movie or TV show, there has to be some of kind of truth to it. Or it has happened somewhere and they just exaggerate a little for the movie. So this relationship between the Mother and Daughter must be true somewhere, otherwise who would think of this shit?

Someone out there has a Mom, just like mine, who knew their daughter was abused but did nothing. Just ignored it, hoping it would go away. And somewhere, there is a daughter, just like me, who had the same reaction as I did. Hate for their own Mother but wanting to feel the Love they hope they’ll get someday but secretly know will never come. Someone, somewhere, has the same parents as I do, where food and shelter and education is more important than Love.

That made me feel better, I know I am not alone. There are people out there with the same fucked up parents as I have.

Of course they finished the story off to say that the Mother did kill the Daughter’s abuser in the end. But that’s Movies, Fairy tales. This is reality. So my Mother talks to my abuser everyday as if it is the most normal thing in the world. She would even throw me under the bus, if it means to protect him. Reality. Its a bitch.

I also watched Bad Moms the other night and there is this scene where all the Moms are talking about what they would love to do for one day and Kristen Bell’s character says “I sometimes wish i get into an accident on the way to pick up my kids, not like a major one with fire and stuff but like a little one and they take me to the hospital and the nurse’s look after me and i get to eat Jello all day and just get pampered” … or something along those lines. All the other characters look at her horrified and there I was thinking sitting in my seat “Don’t worry Kristen, I’ve felt that way too, too many times”

I’m Crazy AF ya’ll

And on that note

 

I bid you adieu