Lonely

Happiness is not a feeling

It’s an ability

– Dan in Real Life

When your Best friend has moved away

But even if she was here, she wouldnt have been able to help

When your mother is just non-existent and so is dad

When your siblings keep a distance

And your partner too

You can’t help but think “what did I do?”

I have realised that I could fill a small room full of people who will love me and miss me if I am gone. Yet, none of those people really know me. 

There are ones that see me as an adviser, and others that see me as clown, there are ones that see me as stubborn and others, blunt. I am always just one part of a whole to all of these people. 

I guess this is why people need families. Because they know you as a whole and accept you none the less. But, No such luck for me.

I am extremely and utterly lonely and these thoughts of wanting to run away or just not be here  anymore have come back and is starting to sound good again. 

I keep thinking back to this one day where i’d just had enough of life. My parents had locked me in the house for a month already and I pushed all my friends away because I knew no one would understand a family going through drug issues. I walked around the house one day when my parents had gone shopping and picked up whatever pill I could find. My parents blood pressure pills, various codine and ibuprofens and paracetamols and anti bacterials and glaucoma meds. Anything I could find. Roughly about 15 to 20 of them. I waited till everyone went to sleep and I laid them out on the table. At first, I swallowed them 2 by 2 and it was almost therapeutic… but then as the pile got smaller I started panicking. I didn’t stop though and kept going. I finished it all. I fell asleep almost straight away and my last thought was a little prayer for me to wake up again. “Sorry I did this God” I thought. 

I woke up the next day, almost in the afternoon. I had an unbelievable stomach ache for the next week that I silently endured. But I was both relieved and miserable that I was awake. 

I had not tried to kill myself since. 

For the sake of my kids, I probably won’t ever again. So I keep thinking… this is it. This is me until I die. Lonely, no one to share a thing with. Just a working mum who could never be happy her entire life.

I am so wasted here.

Dedicated to my Algebra Teacher

I was 13 when I moved to Australia. Before then, I had lived in the same house, on the same street with the same neighbours and went to the same school in India since I was about 2 or 3 years old. Leaving my friends whom I had known since 2 was difficult to say the least. Some of them I had known since before we could even walk or talk.  There were about 5 of us who all grew up together and we were all the “teachers kids”. We would spend the hours before and after school together. Each ones mum would take turns feeding us breakfast or dinner because every single one of our mothers worked overtime. 

My very first best friend, lets call her AJ, she has always been with me. Through sickness and in health. We’ve had our falling outs and we have grown apart but yet the few times we did say hello over the years since I moved to Australia it has been as though we’ve never left each others side. While I might not feel the same way or connection with her at times, shes always been proud of me. I know that. 

Her mum, Mrs. A, was the first person to feed me other than my mum or dad. Her mum always had a smile on her face. She was also my maths teacher in year 8. She was the first one to introduce me to the world of Algebra. I.HATED.IT. 

I used to sleep in her class, whinge, make witty comments. Honestly I have no idea how I passed her class. I have a funny feeling she might have tweeked my grades a little bit. 

On April 30th 2017, Mrs. A passed away. I hadn’t seen her in decades. I was not there when she got sick, I was not there when she was struggling with her sickness, I was not there when AJ was struggling with her moms sickness, I was not there in the last few days when she looked like she was getting better and I was not there when she fell asleep and never woke up. 

I called AJ yesterday and she told me that her mum would keep asking about my kids and ask to see them and ask what silly things they have been upto during the last few days. 

I have no idea why. And it’s weird to know that someone out there, even though it’s been decades, thought of me enough to care what my kids are doing. 

Maybe it’s  a teacher thing.

To all you teachers out there. Keep doing what you’re doing. It honestly saves lives. 

A Look Back

I’ve been thinking about my parents lately. It’s officially been a year since I walked away from my entire family and I guess I am just re-analysing everything. 

Did I make the right decision to walk away?

I am still standing on a big YES when it comes to my mum and dad. I even thought about what I would do if I heard news of one of them passing away. I guess I would be sad but not because they are gone but because they never understood me and what I wanted from them before they passed. I have even wondered if they would go to heaven or hell (if one believes in such things of course) and as much as I cannot judge (For all I know I could be going to hell for kicking my 65 yr old dad and punching him on his head) I hope they realise the full potential of the Bible before they pass, and not just pick and choose what fits them. On the opposite spectrum, I have even wished they would pass quickly so I don’t have to keep wondering if they would ever come back and say they are sorry. It’s all a bit bittersweet for me still. 

My sister, on the other hand, I am wondering if things have settled enough to go back and reconnect with her. A part of me is scared that she is still going to ask me to “get over it” as she so nicely put it the last time we spoke. Yet a part of me also realises that I never really gave her a chance. The biggest reason I stopped all connection with her is because she was a direct link to my parents, which means all my “updates” will go to my parents and I didnt want them to have the satisfaction of knowing I am alright. 

I wonder if I explain to her the reason why she might understand but I am still scared that she might not. And honestly I am not sure if I am willing to put myself through the pain of realising that I am truly alone in this world. 

I guess it’s just a conversation I need to have with my husband because he is just as much a part of this drama whether I want it or not. 

I’ve also taught about what I will tell my kids. My daughter is already asking the question of who my mum and dad are. She’s already forgotten my dad and thinks I never had a dad. I don’t think she’ll ever forget my mum but for now she thinks she doesn’t see her anymore because “Grandma doesn’t like us”. I’ve prepared conversations in my head of what I’ll tell my kids when they are older and leave it upto them whether they want to talk to them or not. It’s all I can do. 

All in all though,  this  peace that I feel right now of making my own decisions or even something as simple as cleaning my own bathroom whenever I wanted and not having this voice in my head constantly telling me what a horrible person I am for not cleaning my house is nice. Its made me rely on myself more and grow more confident. 

A middle class working Mother’s wish.

I made a Mummy friend.

We don’t know many people with kids. Infact we only know one family and they live quite far away so it’s only the birthdays and special occasions we meet up and they are close friends but the distance makes catching up a bit hard to do. 

My daughter went to her “first” birthday for a kid at her childcare. It was rather exciting for me because I never thought I’d get to be one of those you know, drop off the kids, chat to the moms around the playground kind of mum. I am a through and through working mum. I wake up the kids, kiss them goodbye and head out the door at 6am and I come home 630 – 7pm spend 30 -60 minutes with them giving them a bath and putting them to bed. A Working mother. I have never seen my daughter interact with other kids. I only know how to say her friends and teachers names through her baby accent. So being invited and having a chance to interact with other moms and see how my daughter fairs with other kids was exciting. Turns out I was the only mom who worked all day, everyday. Of course, I think I knew that. I thought when the other moms started talking together and complaining about their lives I would feel jealous/ roll my eyes but it was nice. It was a general “I am here for my kid rather be home folding the laundry” kind of attitude (lol).

Anyway, I started small talk with this young mom and she was just as shy as I was and the conversation didn’t lead anywhere so I just sat, looking around. My daughter had completely disappeared into a pool of giggling kids and I ended up in this room with colouring activities and my daughters left over burger. I see these two mums come in and start chatting and I kind of joined in on the conversation and turns out one of the moms, who also happens to be my daughters “best friends” (do 4 year olds know what best friend is?) mom, lived right behind my house! What are the chances! And the one thing that has never happened to me before happened – she asked for my number. 

It wasn’t a, you know, ugh I Have to get your number now type of thing. It was a genuine, I want to get to know you better, lets be friends! type of thing. And when I got home after the party, I had a message from her! So exciting. I got my kids dressed convinced my husband to smile and off we went for a 2 second walk behind my house to meet them for dinner. As I was walking, I realised that I was doing something that I never thought I would do. Something normal. There were no dramas. I made this friend on my own. I wasnt forced to make this friend or do it because my parents know them somehow. This is me interacting with humans ON MY OWN… and without drama. Not because I want someone in my life to love me but because its normal. This is what normal people do, they go to parties and make friends and go to dinner parties, talk about their kids and their life and work over a couple of bottles of wine and good food while the kids run up and down the house playing. This was a moment in my life that was going to go down in history. 

I have since gone over twice, and now she is my walking buddy in the morning. No agenda, no drama. Just what normal people do. 

I never thought I’d get here you know. And even though there is still a voice in the back of my head that’s saying “it’s not going to last long” and “don’t screw it up”. I am going to try hard to keep this. I want my kids to grow up normal. No pedaphiles, no rapist, no jail and drug drama. All they are going to see is neighbours who are kind. Family who is middle class. That’s it. That’s all I want. 

A boring life.

What makes a Christian

*****I know there are extremeists in every religion but this post is going to focus on the opposite of extreme.******

I used to go here when I was a baby. My very first church

Every religion has a thing. Buddhists are known to be peaceful. Hindus- mythical stories like the greeks. Muslims- never wavering beliefs and the strength to keep at it. Christians on the other hand, in the century I have been living in at least, have always been the quiet ones. They all seem to be in their own little happy world. Like a clique that you can get into but you always seem to be the one who is missing the point of every conversation. You don’t hear on the news that a Christian was killed so the pastors of the world had something to say about it. You know? Everyone cares if its a catholic or hindu priest or a buddhist monk or a muslim imam but no one cares if its a christian pastor. You have the odd idiot quoting the Bible to get into politics. But I am not talking about that, I am talking about what happens when you hear a missionary was killed or a nun was raped (just look into Indian News….it’s all there)

I have seen and know too much to not leave Christianity altogether. But then I have also seen too much to stay with it completely.

I go to church every week now with the family. We even went over for dinner to the pastors house once. 

I want to know what these people have that make them so happy and smiley and full of positivity. What do they do when they know that there is no one in this world that loves them? Perhaps I am missing something and I have in the last 30 years of being a “christian” and I just need to find out what it is.

They always seem to be smiling and sure that God will give them what they need and content with what they have now. How can you be like that? What do they know that we are missing? Some kind of secret karma place in their minds that we haven’t seem to have tapped into? A happy gas perhaps? Is it just plain ignorance maybe? What is it?

I NEED TO KNOW!!!!

Just one reason why

Soon after I left my parents, I was in this…mood. I didn’t really talk to anyone at work. Everytime I saw someone I know walk past, I would do my best to ignore them. I would literally think “Ugh” when I saw someone. It got to a point where it affected my job. This lady in particular at work was annoying the shit out of me with her fake attitude.
You know when you dislike someone, you start seeing only their annoying traits? I did that. So much so that I went to my boss’ office and told her that xx was being a little bleep (not in so many colourful words of course) and my boss – kid you not – says “thats cuz your being a little bleep (not that colourful)”. I was taken aback. How dare you put this on me! Don’t you know what I have been through!!!!! And she says, yes but not in detail. It sucks but everyone elses life sucks as well. Maybe less than yours, maybe just as bad, maybe even worse (to which i scoffed) but sucks none the same. Doesn’t mean you have to make everyone else feel the same pain. You walk with a black cloud around you, she said. It shows in your emails, in your phone mannerisms, your lack of care is showing. If you don’t care about this or at least try… she said you are eventually not going to care about anyone. 

3 hours I was in her office. 3 hours. 

Often when life gets us down we think and rethink about our problem so much that we forget about other things…. other people. 

A smile goes a long way

It’s hard to smile when your parents hate you and you are as poor as poor can get but a smile goes a long way. You’d never know… maybe the answer to your problems is in the person you’ve just smiled at, or had that small talk with at the bus stop or even just the smile. 

You simply just fake it till you make it. 

I know 13 reasons why has been a huge topic these days (as it should be!). I haven’t watched all of it but *SPOILERS AHEAD* I read up on it. 
If Jason and Alex had thought about the girl for a change instead of them just wanting to fit in/ depressed about rejection Hannah would not have been in the firing line. 

Every Character in there were so engrossed in their own problems that they didnt even think about others. Perhaps if Jason had thought about Hannah he would have been with her and therein lies his answer of needing someone to love as he never got it at home. See where I am going with this?

There is just one common reason in all the 13 and it could have been easily avoided.

One in a million

I have never really fit in anywhere. I have always had this sense that the only reason I was in “groups” in school was because people thought they would be at an advantage if they were friends with the teachers daughter (primary) and just felt sorry for me (high school). The mates I had in university were all my boyfriends mates. I never really had anyone of my own. The one girl that was my mate stopped talking to me and never told me why. I assumed it was because of me. I was just being me. No one really likes me.

This theory of mine was only proved more accurate when in my first job, I was bullied by every single co worker of mine (all 6 of them) to the point where I would get panic attacks everyday and would have to run to the clinic downstairs to get a brown paper bag to breathe into. 

Truth or not, since then, I could never brush off this feeling that people could never handle too much of me. 24/ 7. 365 days a year of me was just too much for them. 

Didn’t help that my parents never really cared about me either. Or my sister told me to “get over it”. 

I told my ex-fiancee once that if I didnt marry him, I will not marry anyone else unless I was forced into it. For a very long time I thought it was because of how much I loved him, but as I write this now, I realise it’s  because I knew that no one would ever put me up for that long. He was hard enough to pin down. I would never be able to do that again. 
Needless to say, I kept that promise because this guy saw a picture of me, read the notes my parents wrote about me and liked it. Now we’re married.

There is always this thing in the back of my head no matter how much I ignore it. Every little thing that people say and do only solidifies the fact that they just put up with me. I always sense it. Always. Even when I am having a conversation with someone,  I can tell even with the blink of their eyes that, that would be the last conversation I will have with them. And most of the time I am right. 

This morning my husband was looking for scissors to cut up some sausages. The knife and fork right in front of him he didn’t want to use. He wanted scissors. He had already ruined 2 scissors like this and he reached out for the only clean one in the house. So I said no. He says 

“I can’t wait!”

“Wait for what?”

“Wait for the day you’ll change”

He didn’t say for the better, he didnt say normal. But I know what he meant. 

I understand that this is just one of those things that husband and wives bicker about and exchange words. He probably didn’t mean it maybe. But it hurts. 

I’ve done it

It is quite obvious to me now that I have only ever wanted one thing in my life – leave it. I never realised that this is what I wanted, denial is an incredible thing. I am 30 years old now and you could even say I have been in denial/ not realising for more than 2 decades.

It explains the depression, the need to do something but not knowing what it is, the suicide attempt, the constant questioning of everything I ever did because I never really knew myself, the fact that I never really knew myself…. just everything. I went through all of this because I was stuck in place that just wasn’t right for me. Nothing I did could fix it because no one can change the environment they live in. The only thing they can do is leave it.

My favourite song growing up was the old Ugly duckling song from Timless tales.

I mean at the age of 9 I was obsessed with it and cried everytime I heard that song. I never got into any of the princesses. Just that duckling. A few years later Anastasia came out. I read up on her before i watched the movie – family betrayed and killed and she makes it out on her own. I used to think WOW what a badass! I was incredible annoyed when I watched the movie because it was just so princessy. My mate growing up was the little papaya tree in the garden that mum said would die soon… so I would go and talk to it everyday after school. How obvious can it get that I was trying to flee from my family? That I was attracted to the things that had no one and weren’t loved?

There are moments though, my mum laughing when I told her I wanted to just please her but I get so tired, her hugging me and telling me all she wanted was for me to get good grades. Sleeping on her lap some afternoons, her running her fingers through my hair. My dad teaching me to tie my shoe laces and feeding my sister and I breakfast… it was all little moments in my life where I thought to myself “see its not so bad. This is all you need”

It didnt take much for those hugs and those cuddles to stop. I can’t remember my sister and my dad in most of my memories. But then I found faith through my grandma. She would tell me stories from the Bible and teach me songs and once again I had family. Someone to rely on… so denial… once again. “Im fine, this is all I need”. Even in the Bible… Joseph is my favorite character. The one with the 11 brothers. Betrayed and sold as a slave, he becomes a pharoah and saves his family. Ha!

The signs were all there.

But it took 2 decades of this constant back and forth and FINALLY for me to see my parents watching TV while my 1 year old son bleeding on the floor for me to realise “I am not supposed to be here. I need to get out”

I had to get out.

I stand here at the bus stop now. It is 6.10am, Tuesday the 11th of April 2017. A year after I finally did it. It is freezing cold morning here in Sydney. I have just said goodbye to my kids and walked out of the house my husband and I built. And this is my view

For anyone who is reading. This is a house in a construction zone. Just another house. I mean there is rubbish everywhere and bricks still strewn about in the front lawn.

To me, this was my ticket out. Away from a horrible life that was suffocating me since before I can remember. This is hope, that leaving a life doesnt have to mean killing myself but just simply walking away. This is my blood. My sweat. My tears. 30 years in the making. Its not much but its all I have and it’s more of a start than I had hoped for. If I believed in God I would thank him for bringing me finally to this state of mind. Where I know why things happened the way they did.

For those of you who have been following my blog. This is it. I cannot explain anything that happened to me before my marriage but I know now I wasn’t forced to marry. I needed to marry him. I needed to see my in laws working together to know what a family is supposed to be like.  My kids were not accidents. I needed my daughter to be my pillar of stronghold at a time of utter betrayal. I needed my son to be my positivity at a time when all I could see was death and destruction.

I do not believe in God because I don’t understand why I had to have such parents to begin with. But I believe now If he is true, he might have actually paved a way for me to get out of it long before I even realised.

This Mama is happy today

My daughter’s 4th birthday is coming up and we had a party for her today. My husbands cooking was probably the star of the show but By GOD I am damn proud of the cake I made. My daughter asked me 2 weeks ago to make a heart shaped pink cake with rainbows on it. I couldn’t quite get the rainbow topper, but I thought I’d put a surprise in there for her.

My daughters face when she cut the cake and the M&Ms fell out was just priceless. I know I made a memory for her that she will forever cherish and I can sleep well tonight knowing that those 6 hours I spent trying to bake and decorate this cake was completely worth it. Its not going to win baking competitions but it won my daughters heart and that is what I wanted. I even got 2 hugs and multiple kisses and Thank yous for it!

I am so damn proud of my kids. I know every parents says this and it sounds cliche but I really am. They have turned out to be better than what I wished for…and I have pretty high standards. I am so proud of my daughter especially because she is so strong. She’s a drama queen when it comes to kid things, I’ll give her that. She was a relentless picky eater until a few months ago and she always wants things NOW. “I Want it NOW Mama!” “Its taking for a long time Mama!” but shes got this side to her that I have only seen in grown woman, like the way she carries herself when she knows I am upset or if her dad is upset. Her hugs come straight from the heart and she puts her whole being into it, I cant even explain. Like a hug from your grandma, thats the only thing I can compare it to.  The way she deals with other kids in the playground when they are being mean to her or her brother. Its amazing. I am so proud.

My son wears his heart on his sleeve  I worry a lot about him because he gives his heart and when he doesn’t get it back he absolutely crushes and turns into more of an introvert than he already is . But he never lets go, He’ll try again with them, no matter how badly they hurt him. It takes some kind of strength to do that. I know he didn’t get that from me! He will do anything to make people laugh and He is just Gorgeous! My little 2 year old that came to me just to make me laugh everyday. I am so very proud!

I absolutely Love my Babies!

I normally dont like putting personal pictures up on this website. But I want to share this moment, because this was the best moment of the day for us.

 

I am not my mother.

Money Money Mooooney

There is this memory that came to me this morning from when I was about 2 or 3 years old – summer 1988 or 89?, Chennai, India. My dad woke me up from my sleep early one morning and asked me to get ready quickly so we can go downstairs to see his surprise for us. I vaguely remember my (much older) sister (maybe my mum) saying “Oh! It’s a car!” I remember running upto the window of our small apartment bedroom and looking outside and seeing a blue Fiat.

I remember my eyes widening and me asking my dad “Is that ours?” “Yes” “That one in the blue pa? Next to the wall?” “Yes, that one” 

Up until that moment I never realised how poor we were or how hard my parents worked or how easy life could be with money. That moment was when I realised how most of the family and friends around us had cars but we only just got one. 

But it also took me a few years, before I realised how this want for an easier life with money would change my parents and our family dynamics. So much so that my mum and dad are basically just roomates and my sister has done everything in her power to distance herself from all of us and I speak to exactly 0 people in my family.

Right now you could say, given that expenses far outweigh the income in Sydney, My husband and I are just as middle class as my parents were back then. We earn more than what my parents did, yes, but we are still just Middle class.

Lack of money puts a strain in relationships that even the little things get really irritating. 

My mate bought me a beautiful passport wallet for my birthday that would have easily cost her a hundred bucks. Two weeks later I had exactly 50 dollars to spend for her birthday which I had to use at the restaurant that her party was at. I had no money to buy her a gift. Now She is not the type of mate to point it out but you still don’t do that do you? You dont go to someone’s party with nothing. 

My daughter’s birthday is in 2 weeks. I have only 100 dollars to spend for the party and her gift. Anymore spent will mean we will need to delay one of our bills. 

It’s constant strain. But while that extra bit of ease IS tempting. Is it really worth spending extra time at work for that extra money when I could take my kids to the park? But to take my kids to the park means spending 10 bucks that they would want for ice cream that I can’t give them… then I do need that extra time at work…

It’s like a vicious cycle.