I’ve done it

It is quite obvious to me now that I have only ever wanted one thing in my life – leave it. I never realised that this is what I wanted, denial is an incredible thing. I am 30 years old now and you could even say I have been in denial/ not realising for more than 2 decades.

It explains the depression, the need to do something but not knowing what it is, the suicide attempt, the constant questioning of everything I ever did because I never really knew myself, the fact that I never really knew myself…. just everything. I went through all of this because I was stuck in place that just wasn’t right for me. Nothing I did could fix it because no one can change the environment they live in. The only thing they can do is leave it.

My favourite song growing up was the old Ugly duckling song from Timless tales.

I mean at the age of 9 I was obsessed with it and cried everytime I heard that song. I never got into any of the princesses. Just that duckling. A few years later Anastasia came out. I read up on her before i watched the movie – family betrayed and killed and she makes it out on her own. I used to think WOW what a badass! I was incredible annoyed when I watched the movie because it was just so princessy. My mate growing up was the little papaya tree in the garden that mum said would die soon… so I would go and talk to it everyday after school. How obvious can it get that I was trying to flee from my family? That I was attracted to the things that had no one and weren’t loved?

There are moments though, my mum laughing when I told her I wanted to just please her but I get so tired, her hugging me and telling me all she wanted was for me to get good grades. Sleeping on her lap some afternoons, her running her fingers through my hair. My dad teaching me to tie my shoe laces and feeding my sister and I breakfast… it was all little moments in my life where I thought to myself “see its not so bad. This is all you need”

It didnt take much for those hugs and those cuddles to stop. I can’t remember my sister and my dad in most of my memories. But then I found faith through my grandma. She would tell me stories from the Bible and teach me songs and once again I had family. Someone to rely on… so denial… once again. “Im fine, this is all I need”. Even in the Bible… Joseph is my favorite character. The one with the 11 brothers. Betrayed and sold as a slave, he becomes a pharoah and saves his family. Ha!

The signs were all there.

But it took 2 decades of this constant back and forth and FINALLY for me to see my parents watching TV while my 1 year old son bleeding on the floor for me to realise “I am not supposed to be here. I need to get out”

I had to get out.

I stand here at the bus stop now. It is 6.10am, Tuesday the 11th of April 2017. A year after I finally did it. It is freezing cold morning here in Sydney. I have just said goodbye to my kids and walked out of the house my husband and I built. And this is my view

For anyone who is reading. This is a house in a construction zone. Just another house. I mean there is rubbish everywhere and bricks still strewn about in the front lawn.

To me, this was my ticket out. Away from a horrible life that was suffocating me since before I can remember. This is hope, that leaving a life doesnt have to mean killing myself but just simply walking away. This is my blood. My sweat. My tears. 30 years in the making. Its not much but its all I have and it’s more of a start than I had hoped for. If I believed in God I would thank him for bringing me finally to this state of mind. Where I know why things happened the way they did.

For those of you who have been following my blog. This is it. I cannot explain anything that happened to me before my marriage but I know now I wasn’t forced to marry. I needed to marry him. I needed to see my in laws working together to know what a family is supposed to be like.  My kids were not accidents. I needed my daughter to be my pillar of stronghold at a time of utter betrayal. I needed my son to be my positivity at a time when all I could see was death and destruction.

I do not believe in God because I don’t understand why I had to have such parents to begin with. But I believe now If he is true, he might have actually paved a way for me to get out of it long before I even realised.

The Cultural Difference

I am a Not quite Australian Born confused Desi.

Which basically means I was born in India but grew up in Australia so I fall into the “neither here nor there” category. There are a few of us, trust me. We don’t fit in anywhere in India because we were babies when we were there and we don’t fit in anywhere in Australia because well…. you’re “black”…OMG how do you speak english so well? 😒

I watch Bollywood movies and Hollywood Movies. I enjoy both…no not enjoy… i APPRECIATE both. I also APPRECIATE both cultures. It is however true that, in some instances, one culture in me stands out the most. For example, I don’t quite understand the Aussie dream. Not sure what it is either… go to the beach and eat a pie? Not sure? Have a beach house maybe?

 Anyway… the Indian in me screams “OH no… that’s  just lazy! How about education and a good job????” 

But it also goes the other way around… when I got married I wasn’t quite sure why I couldn’t speak to some respected family members the way I usually do. My husband’s grandfather is a very respected man in South India. He is a bad ass real estate agent (you only need to delve into the politics in India to know what this means). Everytime he walked in and out of a room people stood up and said hi to him the respectful way (put your hands together in the praying position or fall at his feet..no…really). Male… female.. babies who couldn’t walk…seriously it was insane. And then along came little ole’ me. I walk into the house to meet him for the first time and he is standing there in his traditional clothes (always wears it)

And I said “Hi”… everyone giggles like the way you giggle at a baby for doing something wrong but it’s cute. I look around at my mother in law and she asks me to fall at his feet. I said out loud “Seriously?” and she nods… so I do this awkward fall feet thing and everyone is in a silent laughter fit (even the kids!)

I was more confused than embarrassed because I had no idea why I had to do that. When I got up, he smiles at me and says “We won’t do that again. How about we just let you be you?” 

It took a few more months of me living with my mother in law for me to realise why people in India did the things they did and it made sense… most of it has a scientific reasoning behind it… some of it just a matter of respect. None the less I came out of that experience thinking I knew who I was and where I fit. 

9 years later….

I was rewatching Kal Ho Na Ho. For those of you who don’t know what this is… please do Google it. There are some really fantastic videos out there that I cannot access due to copyright issues.

It is a story about a boy who is about to die meets a girl and they fall in love but her best friend is also in love with her. When she comes to tell the boy that they should go out…he says no and instead sets her up with the best friend and they live happily ever after. Except for the boy….he dies.

I asked an aussie mate of mine what she would do if she was the one that was dying and had to make a choice. Would she set her love up with someone else or be selfish? And she said to me “I would make the person I like make the choice” 

This blew my mind. 

In all my years of watching and rewatching this movie I never EVER thought about this choice. What about the girl and what she wants? The Indian in me came out and just said well he did whats best for her. He gave up his love so she would be happy isn’t that sweet? But how could I think this when I have been in kind of the same situation?? I have been forced into a marriage because people thought that was what was best for me. They never made me make a choice and here I am thinking it is okay for another (fictional) girl!!!!! I am quite shocked at myself. 

I won’t deny that there is a difference in the way women are treated in India. You walk behind a girl not hand in hand, because you can keep an eye and make sure no one touches her inappropriately while you’re walking down the street. It’s just something you do. Not taught, it’s just natural now. This is not necessarily a dominance thing for the male population as some would make you believe. It’s just as hard for them because they have this duty to forever be the “manly” one. Until recently men were not allowed in the labour ward. Can you imagine that? Not being able to watch your baby being born? 
Maybe it’s just a matter of which characters percpective you watch the movie from and not really a cultural thing. (We can argue that one’s percpective is influenced by their culture).

Whatever it is percpective or cultural difference… the fact that I never thought about the girl just threw me off. 

I am 30 years old but I am still learning so much about myself. Growing up I thought I’d know it all by 30. Now I know the people who taught me when I was younger had no idea what they were doing either. 

Thanks

They are going to shut our water if we dont pay 300 in 24 hours.

My husband has not had his epilepsy medication in 3 months

My sons asthma is getting worse as the weather changes and the medication has run out

We owe the council 1500 dollars, if not paid we officially go into debt with the government 

We owe childcare 2100 dollars or my kids cant go to school anymore

All of this is due in the next day or week. 

We have exactly 50 dollars in our account

Wont get paid till the 10th.

Despite all this. I would rather this than the life i had with my parents in it.

I have never been more grateful 

Below Average

When you are poor:

You are stressed so you want to surround yourself with your mates who will make you feel better but you cant go out (no money) and you cant bring them over either because you dont have food in your house.

You dont have food in your house and you find methods to not feel that hunger in your gut or that smell in your mouth. Free biscuits and tea at work. Refill. But its not enough and your body is still starved to a certain degree so you are constantly tired and yawning. You manage to skip breakfast and blame it on lack of time, you manage to put off lunch till 2pm and you use the excuse that its busy at work… and you eat the boiled potato that you have now had for 2 weeks… by the time you go home at 6 you are starved. When you feed your kids, it take every ounce of you to stop yourself from just “tasting” their food and you hope they dont eat all of it. You dont fight them when they dont finish their plate and hastily eat over the sink, licking every morsel clean.

Repeat

You can have a house, a husbad, kids and a job and still be poor.

Welcome to Australia. It costs half our salaries to feed our families and 4 weeks worth of pay for babysitters. Its either babies or a house.

You choose.

This Mama is happy today

My daughter’s 4th birthday is coming up and we had a party for her today. My husbands cooking was probably the star of the show but By GOD I am damn proud of the cake I made. My daughter asked me 2 weeks ago to make a heart shaped pink cake with rainbows on it. I couldn’t quite get the rainbow topper, but I thought I’d put a surprise in there for her.

My daughters face when she cut the cake and the M&Ms fell out was just priceless. I know I made a memory for her that she will forever cherish and I can sleep well tonight knowing that those 6 hours I spent trying to bake and decorate this cake was completely worth it. Its not going to win baking competitions but it won my daughters heart and that is what I wanted. I even got 2 hugs and multiple kisses and Thank yous for it!

I am so damn proud of my kids. I know every parents says this and it sounds cliche but I really am. They have turned out to be better than what I wished for…and I have pretty high standards. I am so proud of my daughter especially because she is so strong. She’s a drama queen when it comes to kid things, I’ll give her that. She was a relentless picky eater until a few months ago and she always wants things NOW. “I Want it NOW Mama!” “Its taking for a long time Mama!” but shes got this side to her that I have only seen in grown woman, like the way she carries herself when she knows I am upset or if her dad is upset. Her hugs come straight from the heart and she puts her whole being into it, I cant even explain. Like a hug from your grandma, thats the only thing I can compare it to.  The way she deals with other kids in the playground when they are being mean to her or her brother. Its amazing. I am so proud.

My son wears his heart on his sleeve  I worry a lot about him because he gives his heart and when he doesn’t get it back he absolutely crushes and turns into more of an introvert than he already is . But he never lets go, He’ll try again with them, no matter how badly they hurt him. It takes some kind of strength to do that. I know he didn’t get that from me! He will do anything to make people laugh and He is just Gorgeous! My little 2 year old that came to me just to make me laugh everyday. I am so very proud!

I absolutely Love my Babies!

I normally dont like putting personal pictures up on this website. But I want to share this moment, because this was the best moment of the day for us.

 

I am not my mother.

Money Money Mooooney

There is this memory that came to me this morning from when I was about 2 or 3 years old – summer 1988 or 89?, Chennai, India. My dad woke me up from my sleep early one morning and asked me to get ready quickly so we can go downstairs to see his surprise for us. I vaguely remember my (much older) sister (maybe my mum) saying “Oh! It’s a car!” I remember running upto the window of our small apartment bedroom and looking outside and seeing a blue Fiat.

I remember my eyes widening and me asking my dad “Is that ours?” “Yes” “That one in the blue pa? Next to the wall?” “Yes, that one” 

Up until that moment I never realised how poor we were or how hard my parents worked or how easy life could be with money. That moment was when I realised how most of the family and friends around us had cars but we only just got one. 

But it also took me a few years, before I realised how this want for an easier life with money would change my parents and our family dynamics. So much so that my mum and dad are basically just roomates and my sister has done everything in her power to distance herself from all of us and I speak to exactly 0 people in my family.

Right now you could say, given that expenses far outweigh the income in Sydney, My husband and I are just as middle class as my parents were back then. We earn more than what my parents did, yes, but we are still just Middle class.

Lack of money puts a strain in relationships that even the little things get really irritating. 

My mate bought me a beautiful passport wallet for my birthday that would have easily cost her a hundred bucks. Two weeks later I had exactly 50 dollars to spend for her birthday which I had to use at the restaurant that her party was at. I had no money to buy her a gift. Now She is not the type of mate to point it out but you still don’t do that do you? You dont go to someone’s party with nothing. 

My daughter’s birthday is in 2 weeks. I have only 100 dollars to spend for the party and her gift. Anymore spent will mean we will need to delay one of our bills. 

It’s constant strain. But while that extra bit of ease IS tempting. Is it really worth spending extra time at work for that extra money when I could take my kids to the park? But to take my kids to the park means spending 10 bucks that they would want for ice cream that I can’t give them… then I do need that extra time at work…

It’s like a vicious cycle.

My Teenage Werewolf

I have been binge watching Teen wolf for the past few weeks. The acting is not so great (sans Stiles) but the plot, I love. 
I like the pace of it and the way they tell the story. It’s not as teenage angsty as I expected it to be. Yes, I am justifying why I watch this show. I don’t know why. Ok fine… I watch it for Dylan. There I said it!

Now what I actually came on here to say is that….There is this recurring theme that I have noticed throughout the series. They are always unable to control their inner werewolf and the only way they succeed is by calming their emotions. It is a change in attitude that they surround their inner self with in order to control the beast. 

I am also in the middle of reading Fish!. It is a great little book about keeping up the morale in order to create a better environment for people around you and in turn yourself. It talks about being present, in the moment and not allowing negativity affect the way you operate. 

I think the book and the TV show have a similar concept. While the book has taught me that attitude is everything, the TV show has shown me how to do this. The sun, the moon and the truth…alpha, beta, omega. Chants. Repeatedly reminding your brain that the moment is temporary only if you allow it. 

I am using this attitude to perhaps try and curb my anger issues. Practice makes perfect right? Now I just have to learn to pick myself up when I slip up.

I will leave you with one of my favourite quotes that resonates with me:

Stiles: [to Malia] I’m not going to run, because I don’t think you’re going to hurt me. And, I think maybe you’re so afraid of hurting me because of what you did to your family. I know what that’s like. I remember everything that I did. And, the worst part is I remember liking it. Because I felt powerful. I felt fearless. And, most of all, in control. But, when I came through it, I learned something else– Control is overrated.

Issues

​I’m jealous, I’m overzealous

When I’m down, I get real down

When I’m high, I don’t come down
I get angry, baby, believe me
I could love you just like that
And I could leave you just as fast

But you don’t judge me
‘Cause if you did, baby, I would judge you too

‘Cause I got issues
But you got ’em too
So give ’em all to me
And I’ll give mine to you
Bask in the glory
Of all our problems
‘Cause we got…

Maybe not

Blabber

It is 2:19am Thursday the 26th of January. Very early in the morning on Australia day in other words.

Why I’m awake? cuz my son kicked me square in the face while we were in bed, so hard infact, that my earrings ripped out of my ear and fell across to the other side of the bed. Yep. I Screamed of course but no one woke up…of course . Who cares about mum really?  Also, I have bad indigestion and have been running from the kitchen (to have water) and the toilet all night. TMI? Maybe.   Meh

I am so going to regret not trying to sleep, in about 3 hours when my son wakes up and asks for “chokate bed mumma chokate bed” *aka Chocolate bread aka Nutella Toast.

I get the train to work now. The most exciting thing that has happened to me in awhile because I get my own time to read my books and go through blogs, something that I havent been able to do for almost 5 years now. Anyway, I came across this post this afternoon and I thought it brilliant. I have been going through looking for these people who have been through the same things that I have, since I started this blog, and here i found it right on my facebook feed

http://www.scarymommy.com/motherless-mother-mental-illness/

My mother doesnt have any Mental Illness (nothing diagnosed anyway) but everything in this article feels like, like the author saw inside my head and just wrote it down.

I wanted to message her on Facebook and tell her how much this article put me at ease to know that I am not the only one with these feelings, but I thought she might think I’m creepy? SO I am just going to rave about it in here, where Nobody (I know) would see.

I wish I could tell people in my life, how I feel. But I can never find the words. I just get angry that they dont understand…which is ridiculous because how can they without you explaining it to them?

---

This week was a good week. I have had lots of good weeks this month, which is rare. and I think I have figured out what my depression trigger is, so next month, when it does come along, I can, if i can, push it out of my mind or do something to keep it together for my kids. you know ?

Fingers crossed anyway

Beginning of the end

I knew the minute I fell in love that once it ended I would never love again. I knew it would end too… no matter how much I tried to push that thought away, I knew it would.

My husband unfortunately, wrong place, wrong time got caught in my disaster of a life. I don’t even know if his life was better before he met me. I don’t know much about his life. We’ve been married 9 years.

Our anniversary was on the 7th. When he didn’t get what he wanted, he started being generally grumpy… swearing under his breath, the usual deal. I get that I ask too much, but it doesn’t help that you don’t ask me if I am okay at all. Maybe the reason I ask too much is because I don’t get asked anything at all. 
About 2 years ago, I told him that I cannot give him what he wanted. I cannot love. It is not within my ability to love. My kids, thats different that comes from a place I don’t fully understand or ever felt before but friendships and relationships… I’m not good at. I am a horrible friend and an even worse wife. I told him this. But he refused to leave. 

So here we are… and he tells me he will make sure we don’t get to 10. I know he wants to do it but he is also lazy. He needs someone to do the paperwork etc for him so he won’t do it. He’ll tell me later on that he didn’t do it because of the kids. 

I’m sad because this is happening but I will also be sad if it doesn’t happen. Either way, no one is winning this because none of us should have been here to begin with.

Sometimes it’s quite difficult to see the point of anything because your life has been a whole series of “no points”. What was the point of giving me such parents? What was the point of making me go through a molestation? What was the point of making me go through the pain and guilt and abuse of having someone with a drug problem in the family? What was the point of forced marriage?

God doesn’t exist. If He did… I would have seen the point already.