Issues

​I’m jealous, I’m overzealous

When I’m down, I get real down

When I’m high, I don’t come down
I get angry, baby, believe me
I could love you just like that
And I could leave you just as fast

But you don’t judge me
‘Cause if you did, baby, I would judge you too

‘Cause I got issues
But you got ’em too
So give ’em all to me
And I’ll give mine to you
Bask in the glory
Of all our problems
‘Cause we got…

Maybe not

Blabber

It is 2:19am Thursday the 26th of January. Very early in the morning on Australia day in other words.

Why I’m awake? cuz my son kicked me square in the face while we were in bed, so hard infact, that my earrings ripped out of my ear and fell across to the other side of the bed. Yep. I Screamed of course but no one woke up…of course . Who cares about mum really?  Also, I have bad indigestion and have been running from the kitchen (to have water) and the toilet all night. TMI? Maybe.   Meh

I am so going to regret not trying to sleep, in about 3 hours when my son wakes up and asks for “chokate bed mumma chokate bed” *aka Chocolate bread aka Nutella Toast.

I get the train to work now. The most exciting thing that has happened to me in awhile because I get my own time to read my books and go through blogs, something that I havent been able to do for almost 5 years now. Anyway, I came across this post this afternoon and I thought it brilliant. I have been going through looking for these people who have been through the same things that I have, since I started this blog, and here i found it right on my facebook feed

http://www.scarymommy.com/motherless-mother-mental-illness/

My mother doesnt have any Mental Illness (nothing diagnosed anyway) but everything in this article feels like, like the author saw inside my head and just wrote it down.

I wanted to message her on Facebook and tell her how much this article put me at ease to know that I am not the only one with these feelings, but I thought she might think I’m creepy? SO I am just going to rave about it in here, where Nobody (I know) would see.

I wish I could tell people in my life, how I feel. But I can never find the words. I just get angry that they dont understand…which is ridiculous because how can they without you explaining it to them?

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This week was a good week. I have had lots of good weeks this month, which is rare. and I think I have figured out what my depression trigger is, so next month, when it does come along, I can, if i can, push it out of my mind or do something to keep it together for my kids. you know ?

Fingers crossed anyway

Beginning of the end

I knew the minute I fell in love that once it ended I would never love again. I knew it would end too… no matter how much I tried to push that thought away, I knew it would.

My husband unfortunately, wrong place, wrong time got caught in my disaster of a life. I don’t even know if his life was better before he met me. I don’t know much about his life. We’ve been married 9 years.

Our anniversary was on the 7th. When he didn’t get what he wanted, he started being generally grumpy… swearing under his breath, the usual deal. I get that I ask too much, but it doesn’t help that you don’t ask me if I am okay at all. Maybe the reason I ask too much is because I don’t get asked anything at all. 
About 2 years ago, I told him that I cannot give him what he wanted. I cannot love. It is not within my ability to love. My kids, thats different that comes from a place I don’t fully understand or ever felt before but friendships and relationships… I’m not good at. I am a horrible friend and an even worse wife. I told him this. But he refused to leave. 

So here we are… and he tells me he will make sure we don’t get to 10. I know he wants to do it but he is also lazy. He needs someone to do the paperwork etc for him so he won’t do it. He’ll tell me later on that he didn’t do it because of the kids. 

I’m sad because this is happening but I will also be sad if it doesn’t happen. Either way, no one is winning this because none of us should have been here to begin with.

Sometimes it’s quite difficult to see the point of anything because your life has been a whole series of “no points”. What was the point of giving me such parents? What was the point of making me go through a molestation? What was the point of making me go through the pain and guilt and abuse of having someone with a drug problem in the family? What was the point of forced marriage?

God doesn’t exist. If He did… I would have seen the point already.

What a girl wants

 

I never really thought about the moment I said yes to getting married. For anyone who asked my story, I told them that I didn’t have a choice. But that is not the truth. I could have very well said no. Gone through the whole drama with my parents, come home, finished my degree, most likely would have got a job my parents would have forced me into and stayed in it till I made some money and then first chance, I would have left home and been on my own. At least thats what I wish would have happened. Maybe reality or that path not taken, was much worse than the one I am on. I guess I’d never know. I would have most likely, fended them off until I finally succumbed to them. I think the reason I said yes is because I knew, if I didn’t now, then I would eventually. So Why Fight? I think I just gave in. It was either go in circles with the same abusive life or leave by any means possible and hope for a better future.

So this future…why am I not happy with it? It did save me from the circle after all. This future, did save me from everything that was holding me back. Well If I write what I think, then it will be proof that I realised very soon after my wedding that I had made a mistake. That I had backed myself into a corner. Nevertheless It has been awhile now and I should have moved on from that right? I guess I tried…but my trust issues…well….that is another thing altogether.

All people see when they see my life is a husband, a job, 2 kids and a house. And they tell me, “look at you, you’ve accomplished so much without even trying. I know your parents didn’t do it right, but now you’ve got it all, without even trying”. What they wouldn’t dare ask me is “what do you love about your husband?” because all people want to see is the happy ending. They want that for themselves so they see only that. They don’t want to see the bad relationship I have with my parents, or the carefully strategic plans we have made to act like husband and wife. Just concentrate on the kids and be good parents, no one will notice the rest. and they haven’t. we’ve faked it pretty good.

What do I want? I want someone… anyone to just tell me its okay to be just me. Not tell me to shut up when I talk because I’m too loud. I want someone to say Thank you because I wake up in the morning, get the breakfast ready and get the kids ready and take them to school and then do it all over again in the afternoon after work. I want someone to do the dishes and cook dinner and not because they have to, I’d already done everything else and they don’t want to feel guilty. I want someone who will put the kids to sleep with me and then ask me how my day was and actually care that the people at work annoy the crap out of me and not whinge that I do this at every job I go to. I want someone who will hug me when we are sitting under the stars at a camp not tell me, they’ll do it in a minute after a smoke or when they do finally come sit down, complain that they cant sit on the ground. I want to be loved. thats it. that is all I have ever wanted. With my parents, with my husband,. Just love me. For me. And try to stop changing me into someone else. I am loud, I am weird, I am a control freak, I wear bright colours, I listen to music for the lyrics and I freakin’ love Michael Jackson! I am a through and through 90s gal and I love to read books for hours on end. I love watching  scifi and CSI and anything to do with serial killers type of TV shows and I Love comics. I Love to bake and try new recipes and I just want…I just want someone to love me for me.

But that will never happen though. I’ll get over it, I will. Next week will be better than today. Waves. I just have to ride this one out.

Lonely

 This is the first Christmas without my parents. There is nothing to miss really. Our tradition was always to go to church – just because and then come home and eat an Indian feast – just because.  We never really had a tree or opened presents…. never believed in Santa…. we got new clothes that my mum would dress us in when she thought it appropriate. 

Like I said. .. nothing to miss… Yet … there is this emptiness. .. this numbness inside of me that I can’t seem to shake.

I was never really close to my dad.  I never really let older men touch me because I never really trusted them. So hugs from my dad was never really welcome.  My mum’s hugs were rare but whenever she did hug me she would do this thing with her nails ( she had beautiful long nails back then) by running them through my hair… that feeling. I miss that.  I’ve missed it even when I was talking to her,  because after a while,  even when she hugged me,  i knew it wasn’t genuine.  She did it because I forced her to. When I look back on all my relationships, I can see it now.  I can see now when they all stopped loving me.  My first crush,  my first love, my first boyfriend. …The only reason the breakdown of my relationship with my parents hurts the most is because I realise now that they never really loved me.  There was no one time that I can think back on when they stopped because they never really started. 

The reason my relationship with my husband hurts is because I can see the same thing happening in him.  Whatever he thinks is love,  it’s not.  It’s just what people do to keep up appearances. If he’s fooled himself into thinking that’s love.. well… I’ll just have to go with it.

Happy Birthday Jesus.  Here’s to getting away from bad relationships and entering into another one. I hope you have fun watching my drama unfold.  Because that’s what I am to you right?  Entertainment?

Films

I am at home sick today and decided to binge watch “How to get away with a murder”.

To some of you that have kind of bothered to read my blog from the beginning would know that my story is a unique one. Which is why, sometimes I find it hard to digest it all because I don’t know of anyone or even heard stories about people who have gone through the same things that I have.

So there I am watching HTGAWM and this plot line hits me out of nowhere, the Lawyer, sets her boyfriend up for her husbands murder and calls her Mom (who she supposedly haven’t had contact with in years) to stay with her at her time of extreme Vulnerability. At a time where she has no one.

At first it just seems like a normal, mother daughter whinging fight and then they show you the truth and it kind of took me by surprise. Not because the plot was so good I didn’t see that coming but because, the relationship between them was exactly the relationship between my Mom and I and I didn’t see that coming.

It is my general assumption, that for a plot to be in a movie or TV show, there has to be some of kind of truth to it. Or it has happened somewhere and they just exaggerate a little for the movie. So this relationship between the Mother and Daughter must be true somewhere, otherwise who would think of this shit?

Someone out there has a Mom, just like mine, who knew their daughter was abused but did nothing. Just ignored it, hoping it would go away. And somewhere, there is a daughter, just like me, who had the same reaction as I did. Hate for their own Mother but wanting to feel the Love they hope they’ll get someday but secretly know will never come. Someone, somewhere, has the same parents as I do, where food and shelter and education is more important than Love.

That made me feel better, I know I am not alone. There are people out there with the same fucked up parents as I have.

Of course they finished the story off to say that the Mother did kill the Daughter’s abuser in the end. But that’s Movies, Fairy tales. This is reality. So my Mother talks to my abuser everyday as if it is the most normal thing in the world. She would even throw me under the bus, if it means to protect him. Reality. Its a bitch.

I also watched Bad Moms the other night and there is this scene where all the Moms are talking about what they would love to do for one day and Kristen Bell’s character says “I sometimes wish i get into an accident on the way to pick up my kids, not like a major one with fire and stuff but like a little one and they take me to the hospital and the nurse’s look after me and i get to eat Jello all day and just get pampered” … or something along those lines. All the other characters look at her horrified and there I was thinking sitting in my seat “Don’t worry Kristen, I’ve felt that way too, too many times”

I’m Crazy AF ya’ll

And on that note

 

I bid you adieu

 

This darkness of mine

I wake up and it’s another day of repeating the same thing I did the day before, the week before that and the one before that….

I get up and think, right.. gotta start breakfast and pack lunches. But at the back of my head, the place where I send things that I don’t want to deal with, I can hear a small, somewhat loud voice that says “No just go back to bed… they can survive a few hours without you”

I am waking up the kids and giving them hugs.  I’m singing songs and warming up the milk but my brain is saying “You think they are really going to like you?  They are going to catch on to how fake you are.They are going to hate you just like you hate your mother.  History always repeats itself”

And then I am alone with my kids,  my husband has left for the day.  And all of a sudden i feel more naked, like my kids can see right through my facade and know that I don’t really want to be here.  “I just want them to go away and i just want to be in bed…. no you can’t think that way.  They rely on you.  You have to push through this. Don’t let them see it”

I’m driving now to daycare and I’ve already lost my patience on my kids a few times while getting them ready but I’m smiling,  singing a song with them, getting them to count the cars and the buses “just distract them from you. Don’t let them see it” 

My daughter aks me a question.  I answer “oh put a happy spin on it. God i dont think that sounded convincing…. she’s gonna see right through it…. she’s quiet now.  She’s probably figured out that I’m in one of my moods… say something happy”

“You want the music on baby? ”

“Yes”

“Oh God she’s acting so I won’t be upset”

“Come on baby sing!”

“She can see right through this…. you know she can.  That’s the same face you used to make when you knew your mum wasn’t up to it….. history, always repeats”

By the time I get to work I’m exhausted. “Just keep going, you’re almost there. Once you sit at work you should be okay”

“Another day of going to work without brushing my hair.  God did I brush my teeth today?  I’ll just do it at work.  Thank God for the spare brush!  Why am I thanking God?  What did he ever do? Give you crappy parents and no one who loves you? ” 

Switching on my computer i wonder why no one ever loved me.  “Well if mum couldn’t love you…God no! No! Don’t get into this thinking!  This is how depression starts… right work. .. why does this computer take so long to start?! Finally! Emails…. ”

I am making breakfast and having little chit chats with colleagues “Just don’t say anything abnormal. Just say things that others would say” I know talking would help.  I wish I could talk to someone.  Don’t tell anyone how you are feeling.  It’s not normal to feel this way.  You cannot show people that you are breaking.  Just don’t break.  If you say it,  you’ll break.  Dont break!  

Going to pick up the kids “Alright here we go.  15 minutes of relaxing before the kids get in. I am so tired. .. but I got to keep going” 

Oh she’s asking a million questions again.  Just don’t get angry.just keep answering  them. I am just so tired.  Once the kids get home,  it should be fine.  

Right, bags in, kids in, gate closed. .. here we go. Mac and cheese…. done… milk…. ah! Husband  home. Good. Breathe. Just breathe… youre almost there.  Just don’t think about tomorrow.  If you’re lucky…. it might not come. 

Little things

I fell holding my daughter and my husband just watched. He didn’t run to me, he didnt have a surprised look in his eye, he didnt even laugh. He just stood there….trying to find his keys.

It’s the little things that say a lot

Lonely

I have finally done it. I have left my parents, my entire family behind. I’ve told the people that need to know about my parents everything. I am finally free to deal with my husband and my relationship the way I see fit.

I knew before all of this happened that it was going to be hard. I like to think that this is why it took me so long to put a distance between my parents and I. However, even knowing this has not made it easier to do this alone.

I am currently completely alone to deal with the fact that I have no parents and never did. My husband either doesnt want to talk about it or thinks it will hurt me if he does…either way, hes not there. Nothing unusual, he’s never there anyway.

So everyday, i get up. I do my duty as a mother and love my kids and I do my duty as a wife and pretend to love my husband and I do my duty and pretend to care about my work. I clean the house. I cook when I can. I do the laundry. I exist.

I’m existing. I’m here. I’ve put everything I can behind me and I am finally free…. to just exist.

No Manuals

I need to know how to react to something, otherwise I won’t know what to do. Everything I know is learnt…. there is no originality here whatsoever.

The problem is…. my life is quite…. unique so an answer to some of the questions my brain asks me is hard to find. Some originality is needed most of the time.

I was the only one in my circle of friends to be bullied
I was the only one to go through a crisis of having a drug addict in the family
I was the only one to get forced married
I was the first one TO get married
I am the only one to go through the pain of being told that I could not have children
I am the first one to have kids
I am the only one that I know of that have parents who blatantly dislike me…. very much

I feel like I am the only one with so much drama in my life day in and day out that I just cannot talk to anyone. Because no one will understand how hard it is to move on from these situations…. and then when you finally do move one another one hits you like a ton of bricks…. one after another… theres always been something.

I know I can do this. I know I’ll make it. I know I won’t give into this depression but I don’t know if I’ll ever let myself be happy and that scares me.